posted June 22, 2009 10:43 PM         

I know most of what I have to say is very well known to everyone and it's very hard to offer insights that are new,but still I feel compelled to offer what I can.
Recently I've attmepted, as I have many times before, to live an honest spiritual life. I find it very rewarding and very ,very difficult. I think, in the past, I was not strong enough to keep up the very demanding discpline it involves.
But here I am again,knocking on that door. One thing I do know is that the few times that I have offered love and forgivness it has had a profound effect on myself and other people. It is really something miraculous. But somehow I always eventually lose sight of this and end up being sidetracked by worldly things and anger and even hate. I honeslty don't know how this keeps happening.
But I know in my heart, loving kindness, charity and forgiveness are profound transforming expereinces. But they have to be experiences. I sometimes think, that talking about them or reading about them is the same as living them. It simply isn't. I only wish I knew how to maintain consistancy.
There are people in my life that I have struggles with. In the past I've tried to be loving and forgving,but when I didn't get the response I wanted I lapsed into hate and anger. It did nothing for either party and just reinforces the negative feelings.
I firmly believe that a pure attempt at healing can be life altering. I also believe that everyone at every moment is open to the possibilty of being profoundly changes for the better.
How do I resolved issues with people in my life being imperfect myself? It is a very hard question to answer. I can offer love and forgiveness and people may not want it or believe it . They also may choose not to change in the face of it. The danger is that I will then revert to self righteous hate and anger. Which I don't believe I have a right to.

The potential for serious healing is always there. And I beleive all our souls are seeking it and can have it. It's been hard for me to learn that sometimes it doesn't matter what our intentions are , people have to move at their pace not ours. I know that's been true in my life.

I want to be helped through this process and it seems that the only way I can be helped is to offer unconditional forgiveness to people I'm in conflict with and hope I have a pure enough heart ot mean it and maintain it. At times I think I have . At times I think I have actually made breakthroughs in this kind of love that I can't describe.

So I hope I can inspire people that I'm struggling with to belive me when I offer them this. I hope also that I mean it. Offering these gifts to people guarentee no outcomes ,but I know I become better for it. I also know we have no right to hate and judge. Those are great enemies to our growth as people. Sometimes, also I think we have to realize that we may not be the right people to bring healing into other people's lives no matter how much we think we can be. Then the decent thing to do is move away. But with love,forgiveness and hope that they will get the healing they need elsewhere. I need spiritual healing too and this person may be able to transform me with their attempts at forgiveness and love.Also they may not be able to give that to me. If that is truly the case ,of course, then you try to uphold the goodness you offer in your heart anyway.

When I try ot be a better person and live up to certain ideals I feel an energy around me of so much love and a kind of radiating goodness that I can't even begin to describe it. This is my subjective expereicne, but it feels real. I wish eveyone had this experience if they haven't.

I really believe there are incredible spiritual states available to us. Love, forgiveness, charity and trying to live a pure life open those doors for us. The few times I've been there it really is beyond description. Those ideals are such a small price to pay. I get so happy sometimes with all this that I want desperatley to share it with people. I become hungry for good deeds and offering forgiveness and trying to love becuase it enhnces this state of conciousness. I hope in my heart I am honest regarding this and have endurance. Anyone who wants these things can have them .It really is amazing.

I hope the people I have confict with in my life will join me and end the hurt. If not I have nothing else to offer them except my best wishes and the hope that someone else or some other expereinces will allow them to be closer to these realities!!!!

posted June 24, 2009 05:02 PM         

I completely empathize with you. I feel much the same. These are the hardest ideals to live up to and the most important.

I was tested today. Someone said untrue things about me that could hurt me in a very serious way. I burned so much and wanted to act out in hate so much that I almost cried from frustration! I was agry at G-d and everything! But after my fit I said a prayer and realized that this was a wake up to me to get back to the important things in my life .
Then I started to feel the anger go and I let all the negativity pass. Now I've decided no matter what happens I will deal with it in a mature way without hate. I no longer feel anything negative about anyone. Hoiw can hate ever be the cure for hate?

Also I realise that these things can be tests and if the universe brings this to me it has to be appropriate. I don't think I can assume that I am right and the divine wrong! So it put the responsability back on me. Now I am happy and back on track.

It only took about a half hour to get back. But I was VERY tempted to hate and forget about all my beliefs. I have to admit that. I almost gave up out of frustration and anger. So I learned a lesson. No matter how strong my faith is it can be shaken. Sometimes easily.

I really believe we have to try to live up to these ideals, but it is harder than anything I've ever done. It feels like a sacrificial life,But I don't think it really is. It's really the way we're supposed to live in my opinion. But it is so very difficult. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, with the world just steam rolling ahead with hurt and dishonesty and blind selfishness. Sometimes I want to say , forget it I'll be like that. At least I'll have a moment of pleasure here and there. The life I'm living is so hard and seems so unrewarding. But that is an illusion and my imperfection speaking. I have ultimately seen that the path of love and forgiveness is the best.
I have seen it transform very hardened, jaded, sceptical people and brought out great love from them and enourmous nobility and goodness.

I forget sometimes that I do things too that are wrong and I too have to pay for them. When the payment comes I feel angry ,but if I'm honest, I know I could be so much better than I am. I know my own imperfections and how out of ignorance I make mistakes and also the times I do the wrong thing on purpose because it benefits me.

When I feel anger and hate rise in me I get very stubborn and just say over and over " I won't hate, I won't hate". Most times this helps ,when it doesn't I simply go through my little tantrums till it subsides and then the reasoning I mentioned earlier above tends to wipe the hate away. ( G-d can't be wrong it must be me or it's a test of faith)If all else fails I pray and ask that the hate be taken away from me because I am not strong enough to remove it from my heart and that always wroks.I just pray for guidence and I always get an answer.

The path I am trying to live is so hard and it really takes a kind of superhuman tenacity. I am so often afraid I can't do it. My fears and laziness and human side all seem insurmountable at times. But the few victories I've had show me that there is a miraculous side of life that we can experience and impart to other people through the path of love and forgiveness and charity that is so profound and powerful and transforming that I really believe that any suffering we encounter along the way is not that important. I feel very alone sometimes and forget how much I need people for support and help, so your post is very important to me.

I just know if we hang on with these ideals and more importantly try to put them into practice we can contact such goodness and light and effect the lives of people in ways we could never imagine. I've seem it work so many times. And this is with people that are not easy to convince. To touch such things is a rare and miraculous gift that cannot be equaled in my expereince. It feels like a very loving holy light descends upon you and the people you touch or who touch you. A source of love so perfect and infinite that it brings an indescribable peace. Somehow eveyone knows when they are touched by this or when you come to them throught this conciousness and it always transforms them somehow. Always. It's the only way to live I think and I just hope with all my soul I can progress along this path. It feels like the most worhwhile thing in life. But I need help like everyone else. My human side is so strong and today I was tested more than I ever want to be and almost lost. It shows what a fight it is . I am so afraid, even now, that I am not strong enough to live this way,that my own fear and lack of faith will defeat me. But it's the best fight in the world and worth struggling with to the end , I think!!!!
I hoope this helped you as much as your post helped me!

Thank you Cauldronkitty

posted June 27, 2009 07:04 PM         

I think if we put these principles to work in our lives and see how they transform us we can understand them from an infinitely deeper place than from concepts or ideas. But I don't claim to have any complete knowledge of these things either. I am still trying to understand.

My humble advice is try to live these things and see what effect they have on you. If you are confused or doubtful pray for help to find clarity.

posted June 29, 2009 06:21 PM         

I don't think there is anything more here for me to do.I wish everyone good luck and I hope the person I spoke about in my first post does the right thing. That's all that matters. Why add to the emourmous hurt in this world deliberately. Make peace with yourself and let this all go.

I no longer believe we have anything to share or offer each other. I may not be back here or who knows maybe I'll come back someday. But I will be away for a while,that's for sure.

Please don't feel bad anyone if you reply and I don't answer.It's just that I won't see your posts. Not much more to say.No hard feelings and best wishes! I forgive and hope I am forgiven. There's nothing more.