posted October 31, 2008 01:02 PM            

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You are helping me. Enormously, in fact. More than I can tell you. This is how you help me.

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It doesn't feel like it.

posted October 31, 2008 01:08 PM              

"Someone who can heal whatever i've broken, whatever mess i've made will have me forever. I will be bound with or without my consent."
See, that`s where we are different again.

I don`t believe that any other person can heal my wound. HE can understand me, accept me, love me for what I am, WITH my wound, despite, because of, whatever. Just me, as a complex package. But he cannot heal me.

I have come to believe that the wound is a part of me, and I have accepted it. It can never be healed, not completely.
But the moment I accepted it, I actually started feeling COMPLETE on my own. I was taking back that wounded little girl inside me and saying "Yes" to her and her imperfections, and that was all she had ever been asking of me, but I couldn`t see, because I was so busy judging her as ugly and nasty and STUPID and hiding her away, so noone could see.

I don`t know if I talk too much confusing stuff here, but I feel like I can not only live with her, but that i am actually only whole with her. Even with all the mistakes she (I) made, the dreams that never came true (and I always found HER guilty of that).
But she was only a little girl that carried her heart on her sleeve and believed that fairytales could come true. Hardly can hold it against her now. (Well, she is me of course, or rather, the part of me that got stuck in the past)

posted October 31, 2008 01:10 PM            

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But i don't think i want everyone to see it. I know i don't. I want a select few. I want those i can trust, which... well, isn't a lot of people i'm afraid. I dismiss many candidates. Too demanding am i.

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Not everyone sees it. That's the thing. Only those who can. Who know it themselves, somehow. And you can't control who that is necessarily.

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I want this "Soulmate", this ideal person i keep talking about to know it. I want them to be able to take it on and fix it. That's what i've meant all this time. That's who and what i'm looking for.

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This is what I believe/see. That the only person who can give you that is yourself. You can learn that from others or they can open certain parts of you - but ultimately, the only person who fixes you/loves you is yourself. I know that soulmate to complete/fix you is what you're looking for. I understand that. That's a big task to assign another mortal - to save/rescue you. When they are there to save/rescue/love themselves too. That's my view/understanding.

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Someone who can heal whatever i've broken, whatever mess i've made will have me forever. I will be bound with or without my consent.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:10 PM              

yes, how do we help you?

posted October 31, 2008 01:12 PM            

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Is it bad that i don't want that? Is it bad that i don't want help? Is it an age thing?

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posted October 31, 2008 01:14 PM            

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but we don`t give equally back in return.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:21 PM            

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An Earthangel with a bad taste in men?
Oops, didn`t mean to say it. You know I LOVE RDJ, but I just couldn`t let this opportunity pass

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ROFL - I wouldn't expect or want you too. You know I love it when you take the p1ss out of me as much as when I do it to you. There's nothing more humbling than a good laugh at yourself. And at Rafe!

Bad taste? Umm, well that's going too far!

btw - you didn't answer my questions from the other thread re: the conjunctions.

posted October 31, 2008 01:21 PM            

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I know that soulmate to complete/fix you is what you're looking for. I understand that. That's a big task to assign another mortal - to save/rescue you. When they are there to save/rescue/love themselves too. That's my view/understanding.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:22 PM            

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Besides in the last days I got the impression you were even more gaga over Colin

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posted October 31, 2008 01:22 PM            

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No-one else can heal inside you. They can band-aid it. But that's it - it's superficial. The love that you need - it comes from you. Even if it comes from the belief in you that someone else helps instill into you - your beloved - but it's your own love that heals you. Again, IMO.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:23 PM            

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quote:Is it bad that i don't want that? Is it bad that i don't want help? Is it an age thing?

It's when you get tired of people treating you like sh1t. And you finally tell yourself that deserve better and want better. And when you're ready to accept who you are and give yourself that unconditional love that you're waiting for someone else to give to you.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:25 PM            

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And, umm, I'm not really doing anything - LOL! You make me laugh. I give you a couple of insights and I'm an angel - LOL! Get yourselves together.

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posted October 31, 2008 01:26 PM            

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I have to head off too soon. Nearly 4.30am.

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Yes, i have to go as well.

posted October 31, 2008 01:28 PM              

"Nice thought though - but not true. Very close - yes - kindreds - yes - but not twinflames/soulmates - definitely not."
It`s actually what I feel about Jude.
AStrologically definitely soulmates, maybe even twinflames (Even though you can`t really see it in astrology I think; the only pleace you can find that knowledge is your own soul and heart).

I do feel very very close to him. You know it`s ALMOST like twinsouls, but just the last piece is msising. And I`ve always known. Deep inside. That is why I always held back in my infatuation with him.
But even having said that, I deeply care for him, and I know I could fall in love with him, without any doubt.

I still don`t understand, though, why in that first dream I had, he transformed into Julian. I guess this mystery will never be solved.

Meta,

" But the point is that I save them and THEY save me. I don't want it to be just one-sided."
But couldn`t it be, that a soulmate just opens you up to the possibility of being healed, just through his love and understanding. And that this opening of doors lead to the healing, which would include that you learn to forgive yourself and accept and love yourself?

That is at least how i see it.

But of course everyone has their own experiences, their own timing.

posted October 31, 2008 01:28 PM            

It's not sadistic - it's just where you're at right now. Quit judging yourself and it'll be easier.

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Well i'm not willing or capable of giving that right now.

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Sure - it comes in time - when you are ready. It's just there. It'll come. Don't force. Just let it unfold. Don't hold it in your thoughts - but be mindful of it - without forcing. Just let it be. And just be who you are. The rest just takes care of itself. It's when you resist that you encounter obstacles. Life has a way of taking you where you need to be.

posted October 31, 2008 01:32 PM              

I will take them with me to the store.

Have a great night, both of you.

posted October 31, 2008 01:32 PM            

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Oh but you do...

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I don't see it - but thank you. Learning to accept graciously. Big big lesson.

posted October 31, 2008 01:42 PM            

Enjoy your shopping.

posted October 31, 2008 01:49 PM            

Wow!