posted November 09, 2014 11:04 PM            

In contrast, my BFF is often nervous and yet she's unusually positive about this road trip. She jokes that since I've seen her dysfunctional family and how crazy she can be when with them it's only fair she gets to see me with my dysfunctional family, too.

She's never been to Texas, though her former BFF took me once and told her all about it, so maybe there's something I'm ALMOST seeing (not quite conscious yet) in regard to Texas or my family that she can't. OTOH, she's usually the nervous one, and she's got so much Pisces energy and does a lot of meditation that surely she's more attuned to the psychic vibrations of the trip than I'd be...perhaps her lack of direct experience actually makes it easier for her to get a true vibe for the sitch.

posted November 10, 2014 03:52 AM            

Usually I rather take the trip in stride and often enjoy driving there.

This year however I too have an odd feeling of foreboding.

Not sure why and get good to reasonable readings about the trip.

I, like you, can't shake the feelings.

posted November 10, 2014 07:21 PM            

The moon transiting Cancer with Mars-Pluto in Cap/Uranus in Aries has been rattling my nerves...I just keep saying "It's astrological, it'll pass" and that's how I ride the wave.

posted November 13, 2014 12:40 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by tuxedo meow:
I, like you, can't shake the feelings.

Wonder what is up?

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I wonder if we might not be picking up the fear that I understand is in Texas. Some state politician has been fanning the flames of hysteria over Ebola and making a bunch of silly statements showing over the top fear (whether these are his true feelings or he's just pandering to the state, I don't know) and that probably means there's a lot of unease in the state...and since I know I have some kind of psychic or spirit link with my Granny and a cousin perhaps I sense a little of it that way, and you do with the one you're obligated to help care for, too.

posted November 13, 2014 12:58 AM            

My friend is going to defy expectations of someone black and that might agitate a couple...though what I'm worried about is that they're going to be curious why she's different from expectations, figure it's because she's a devout Christian (since that stereotype also exist) and thus ask. If she then tells the truth about being a Taoist (which she usually does)...and especially how when we first met she pulled me into her Discordian cabal (something else that might come up when asking how we met)...that's not going to go over well to say the least. When I was 13-4 an aunt (not the same one that nearly attacked me in 2011) had me call a friend of hers and hand her the phone because the new phone number had "666" in it (not sure if she figured God would protect me from the imagined consequences of dialing "666" on account of my age or that I was Hellbound anyway ), and compared to the rest of the town they're pretty laid back about religion. (This person would fit right into town.)

I've warned her about this but so far virtually everyone is unprepared for the reality of how intense it can be (they think they are but nope). The ones I'm mainly going to see are okay but the way it works is many other relatives will become involved at some point (which could pull those outside the family in as well, including deputies who might abuse their power). If you're from a large extended family in a small town (talking mostly "cow pastures & church steeples, blink while driving and you'll miss it") then you probably understand, otherwise...just take my word for it.

I want to emphasize that we'll be staying with my Granny and she'll be fine with us, and that we've prepared and made contingency plans as much as possible so we should be ready if something goes wrong. It's just strange that for the first time I'm nervous. It could be some of the esoteric subjects I intend to broach with a couple but I think mostly I'm protective of her and thus worried.

posted November 18, 2014 10:12 AM            

Well, you know what they say, there are hundreds of ways to say, " Howdy! "

posted November 21, 2014 05:18 PM            

But I now know why I had bad feelings, though, and I mean other than my Cappie Lilith whispering doubts to me. It's because last time I visited Granny in 2011 she was recovering from a pulmonary embolism and had visible osteoporosis...and now she's currently 71. As I saw her this time she was better in some ways (and quit smoking) but the osteoporosis was more visible this time, even if she insists it's not that bad (granted, she's not hobbled or crippled with arthritis and never suffered a bone fracture, yet, though neither is she expected to do chores anymore). Her hearing and eyesight are both fading as well (despite cataract surgery she had last year that helped) though she's fine living by herself. She even took offense that I was taking over all the house chores and cooking while I was there. And her memory is definitely fine as she rambled in length in response to questions I asked, even recalling names and faces of people she hadn't seen in over 40 years.

Still, some in our family have lived to be older than 90 so she may be around for another 20 years...maybe. (I have a bad feeling of what she'll do if she ever can't take care of herself, however.) It bothered me more than I like to admit. The awareness of her mortality has now sunk fully into my gut rather than just something I acknowledge in my head. And part of me knew that was going to happen and it's not something I wanted to do...but best done.

posted January 07, 2015 09:19 AM            

And I'm sry that I somehow missed this thread, or that I forgot to recheck it after you had returned from Texas

Then this morning when I saw your recent posts on SPITR I'm pretty sure that just as florence said; This was the one that nobody replied too

Its sad, for someone who has given so much to this community on many different boards, and helped so many people, myself included! That for NOBODY to even offer a single word of comfort to you is just unacceptable!

And I really do understand! As recently I've had to face the painful awareness of my own Dad's mortality as his health is rapidly failing him and I don't think he is going to last another year.

Every time I look at him, (despite our turbulent and sometimes downright awful relationship when I was kid, which thankfully Ive been able to heal quite a bit in recent years) I realize that this is the last “January” I'm going to see him in, the last Christmas just past...

I know he is scared about it, I am too, so I'm just trying to appreciate all the little things and what precious time we have left before he has to leave this world. But I know for sure... like many times before, we will find each other again, and every instance will be a new chance to makes things even better than the last time we knew one another <3

So I can empathize with how much you care for your Granny, and having to face a loved ones mortality is often very painful, but especially so when a person feels as they are carrying the weight of it very much on their own (Hugs).

posted January 07, 2015 10:09 AM            

quote:

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That for NOBODY to even offer a single word of comfort to you is just unacceptable!

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I would have, but PJ ignored my well-wishing prior to the event, and I just figured that she wouldn't care what I said afterwards either. ETA: Maybe I should have been clearer when I said, "Hopefully it's just creepy energy and there's nothing worse on the horizon " I was talking to her.

---

Yes, it's terrible to watch someone you love, dying.

Sorry to hear your father is ill, Lei.

Today is the anniversary of my own father's death ~ I empathize.

posted January 08, 2015 01:53 AM            

As for the "strange feelings" earlier I was analyzing them and trying to put my finger on it and be prepared for whatever I might need to be prepared for rather than a pat on the shoulder (not that I mind it). And when I share many things from my past in other threads I'm trying to explain something rather than trying to win a guest spot on Oprah. It could be that I'm near unique in childhood matters because of the time I spent in self-hypnosis turning my "inner child" into an adult in order to ease my nightmares which were filled with the reality of childhood rather than adulthood and in the process I "got over it" (not to say it was easy!) which is something very difficult for others to understand. (I bet my Scorpio Jupiter helps, too.)

In this specific case it was something bothering me now and yet I was getting very little support or comfort in real life. Many think my family is crazy and I'm better off without them, and in addition many just don't appreciate the elderly because our culture doesn't encourage that...a great many people dispose of their aging parents (let alone grandparents) to forget about them even before they die, and people can't help but adopt that attitude subconsciously when they're immersed in it and thus no sympathy for me who sees Granny as a very special person rather than someone waiting to die so that the wheels of American-style capitalism can continue on. Even many of those who could sympathize with me somewhat typically didn't have family they were close to (those I'm closest to tend to be weird like me which often translates as a distant relationship to the family at best). Therefore I sought a little commiseration here and also to hear from others who had been where I was at that moment.

As I said, I was surprised it didn't happen, but more curious than bothered by it, especially when sympathy or support is offered when I'm not particularly seeking it (not to say I mind it, just it's not the goal), and that includes AFTER this. I figured perhaps as I didn't put the effort into explaining the full extent of my feelings (which I couldn't because I was still working through them myself) that people mistook me for not caring as much, unable to fully understand that when I do go into more detail over past troubles that I'm trying to facilitate other things like understanding rather than because I'm so obsessed with pain from it and therefore sympathize more with those accounts that I've already worked through rather than this one which I was still trying to work through.

It's okay, I don't feel like I was somehow betrayed and as I said I didn't want anyone to feel bad that it did (nor do I want people to start offering condolences or whatever "just to be sure" in the future as it's a burden and also lessens the effect of it in times that it's actually desired, sort of a perfunctory "bless you" when someone sneezes that's more of a reflex than genuine sentiment) and was sure no one would guess that this was the post I was referring to when I mentioned "one post" in another thread (simply trying to illustrate that different people process these things differently, I understood that, and I hoped they realized I meant no harm on that other thread).

posted January 08, 2015 02:17 AM            

I might share another aspect that's proven frustrating for me mainly to help me clarify my own thoughts though it's also why I've been reflecting on how people from different backgrounds can have a very different understanding and approach to certain things. But it won't be tonight, if ever.

Realizing that Saturn is transiting my Sag stellium (including moon and Neptune) I've been wanting to meditate on shattering some illusions (we all have them, they're inevitable) and actually may explain a fic of mine in the making. I meditated on that earlier today rather than coming to LL and may work on that for awhile so I may be scarce for awhile.

Saturn is also part of my Libra (Scorpio cusp) stellium which is sextile to my Sag cusp, and I also believe my 3H stellium is tied to my Gemini MC while Scorpio Jupiter sits to help Gemini MC and my 3H (with Saturn) and the Sag energies (that Saturn is now transiting) to...well I'm not sure what, but I hope to find out!

posted January 12, 2015 02:17 AM            

I was going to respond to this earlier, but you came to mind again tonight, as I was taking down our Christmas stockings.

I remember very well when I first started to become aware (or allow myself to) of the fact that someday, my grandma would pass on.

As she was a huge part of my life, probably the only person who never gave up on me and always treated me with love, I did not want to think about that.

I'll come back and offer a bit more by way of support, but I wanted to stop in and offer some now, while I'm thinking of it.