posted December 05, 2013 11:12 AM            

I knew there was a cliff off which I could fall. It would be an ugly fall into places one would never want to go. When my mother would drive me to the city, I would pass a place like this, the mental hospital. Inside me was my treasure. If I lost it, those places could come up from the pit and drag me in.

Inside me is a strong tree. It has roots that go deep. I would say that my grandmother planted it. She gave me unconditional love. I could not give anything back. I was a child and a brat, as Geminis can be. If we took a family picture, I would stick out my leg at the last minute. If my mother had a box of chocolates for company, I would stick my finger in the bottom of them to find the good ones and leave the others.

If there is nuclear power in this world, it is probably unconditional love. I still cry when I talk about my grandmother. My grandmother told it like it was, 90% of the time, but she never told it like it was about my mother. Once she did, in a way. It was a small statement but not anything compared to what it should have been.

I am trying to broach the topic of intimacy but it has to have a background. I lost my treasure, as you might have guessed. I lost my reality to the point that I had to hang on so tightly that the food in my hand became pulverized. Then, it dripped through my fingers like a baby food mush. Then, I dug my nails into my hands until they were bloody.

The reality became a dot inside me, the size of a golf ball. It was very concentrated, as golf balls are. I used to soak golf balls in vinegar, I think. I am trying to remember how I came to unravel a golf ball. It had an amazing interior with hundreds of elastic bands.

For me, my reality was held so tightly that I could not feel anymore.If I let go, I might come apart like a kaleidoscope where the colors explode such that you are mesmerized. I am trying to find my reality without it being a disaster such that an ambulances takes me away.

I came to believe in Jesus because I would have gone insane without it. One should try to come to Jesus in an easier way. He does not want us to get to this point. He calls us gently. He called me gently for my whole life but I spurned Him like a lover who won’t go away, no matter how many times you tell him you are not interested. I don’t know how I got into how I found Jesus. I guess, I gave you a thumbnail of my background and I can go on with the topic.

The point of the above was that I lost my reality. You can’t have intimacy without a true reality. I started getting my reality back when I saw an uber feminist fall for an uber bad boy. All the feminism drivel fell from her mouth like water from a broken faucet, where it spouts out and you can’t stop it and you start to panic. Then, I started to see how drivel flows from people’s mouths so smoothly that it is like ice.

I started seeing how the “spiritual” people were the lowest and the most petty. I started to see how talk was cheap. My false reality started unraveling like the golf ball, but this time in the right direction. I actually believed these people. That is what happens when you cannot feel. You fall for anything. I don’t judge people who fell for some sort of a mush. It happens when you are lost. They don’t call it lost for no reason.

I did not get lost in one fell swoop. Before I did, I learned about intimacy. I learned that you must have your own reality. Your reality can’t be fluid. It can’t be based on the reality of others. It has to come up from your own gut. Your gut can’t be frozen. It has to be how you perceive the world. That is the point of the above. I have been reminded by a reader how I went off topic. Some topics have to be broached from a different direction. One does not, always, need to be linear when getting from one point to the next.

If you want to take one point from the above, the point is that you must be able to feel reality for yourself. The minute you need to depend on others, you are in trouble. That trouble won’t go away on it’s own. It needs a steam shovel and a plow. If you don’t get them, you will die while you live.

The pursuit of intimacy takes you into the pursuit of your own reality. That is the point. You can skip the rest and start here. Intimacy is like a dance but you can never lose your own footing. If you do, you go backwards from solid food into mush. You never should have been there, except for when you were a baby. The point is that you should have become more solid. Then, you could show yourself to another and it would not become a war game.

I suppose the underlying issue to the topic of intimacy is that we are alone, so very alone, so scarily alone, so deeply alone. Facing this is like looking into the abyss. We will do most anything not to look. That is, probably, from whence addictions arise. Isn’t it more fun to agonize over how many shoes to get at the sale at Macy’s than look into the abyss which will take you to places unknown.

I am reminded of the claw like grip of a girl on my hand when I was twelve. She was dying of a blood disease. It was one of the few times in my life I was mean. I am not mean and I don’t bully. It is the domain of cowards. This girl followed my best friend and I around like glue. We were in the girl’s bathroom and we told her we did not want to be her friend. I can see her face and feel her cold hand. That was the hand of someone a few steps from the abyss. This gets me back to the topic of intimacy because we seek intimacy to avoid facing these kinds of things. We think our beloved can hold back the door to the abyss with the power of his love like we wished our mothers could make it alright. My grandmother made it alright. I was safe for as long as she live

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted December 06, 2013 01:52 PM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted December 06, 2013 03:59 PM            

(I stuck out my tongue)

Especially when we had to go to that boring old cemetery after Church, instead of the ice cream store...

Funny thing is; Gemini, that I just took my daughter to the same cemetery.

In a strange kind of Deja Vu type style, I watched the past unfold...

Oy.

But when I was a child, I spoke as a child...

posted January 27, 2014 08:56 PM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted February 05, 2014 04:35 PM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted February 15, 2014 08:48 AM            

My writing is my heart and soul. When someone gets that, it makes me feel like I have a purpose on this earth.

Thank you, my dear Friend

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted February 15, 2014 03:34 PM            

With a Chiron relationship, I have figured out some more things. Wounds touch and wounds heal but the wounds also push away the people at some point. There is no one to blame and no one who really did "wrong", so to speak. At some point, the wounds that brought people together in a simpatico seem to be too strong to keep them together and as magnets with opposite poles, they seem to repel lol
However, it is good while it lasts

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted August 30, 2014 06:08 PM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted August 30, 2014 06:08 PM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.

posted September 02, 2014 11:18 AM            

------------------
Want To Ask Any Question About Bible Prophecy? Go For it. It is Free, of course.