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Author
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Topic: SNODE conjunct DEJANIRA in Synastry
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Aubyanne
Moderator Posts: 990
From: Tinseltown, Hollyweird, The Multiverse
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted October 21, 2014 06:41 PM
  
So, I'm not sure if I just didn't want to see my own natal DEJANIRA (that's possible) or what exactly, but I've suddenly become aware of how it's aspected. In Ami's NNODE thread, I noticed how my NNODE is conjunct my partner's KARMA (2º), with my KARMA exactly conjunct his SNODE. His SNODE is also conjunct my DEJANIRA -- wide, at around 3º, if we're being conservative. And yet, definitely there. She offered the following interpretation: that there is a natural comfort and expression of vulnerability between us. Perhaps that's my MOON in his 12H, and his in my 8H, as well as some other cross-aspects, or the fact that vulnerability is essentially verboten for both, but it got me thinking more about the fact that I've actually had an overwhelming, inexplicable fear when it comes to being vulnerable to him. Something about him specifically both compels me to explore deep intimacy and sexual relationship, while conversely being terrified of doing so. I thought of the most likely explanation; but there's nothing he's saying, doing, or anything about his character that's unconsciously dredging childhood traumas. It's just a bizarre feeling which I cannot pinpoint. In fact, I've worked very hard to disregard it, because of how important he is to me, and how, logically, he does -- well, he should make me feel safe. I let my brain take over and ignore whatever primal fear I've got going on that's freaking out. So, I'm wondering. Anyone else with SNODE conjunct DEJA in synastry? If so, how's it operating? Maybe it's not that; but since that particular discussion, and it occurring to me, I've had to contemplate it being the cause. IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 21, 2014 06:46 PM
I do.
Except it's his nessus AND deja on my S Node.
Lovely eh?IP: Logged |
Aubyanne
Moderator Posts: 990
From: Tinseltown, Hollyweird, The Multiverse
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted October 21, 2014 07:11 PM
Ahhhh. That to me points to karma from an obsessive, passionate, probably taboo relationship. How interesting!What's the orb? IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 21, 2014 08:02 PM
His deja is 27 taurus
My SNode is 28 Taurus
His nessus is 29 Taurus I'm smack in the middle... IP: Logged |
Aubyanne
Moderator Posts: 990
From: Tinseltown, Hollyweird, The Multiverse
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted October 21, 2014 09:12 PM
Yeah, that's definitely tight. NESSUS/DEJA=SNODE. Well, how do you feel about it? Does it resonate that the two of you have such a history? Do you ever feel inexplicably unnerved? While, no doubt, intensely obsessive. I'm not certain NESSUS conjunct SNODE indicates a past abusive relationship. In some cases, my NNODE conjunct my Twin's NESSUS merely shows how intensely he pursued me -- until he suddenly couldn't take -- something -- anymore. That's when it became abusive; as if he was constantly punishing me. IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 21, 2014 09:23 PM
I'm definitely being punished somehow.
It's a terrible irresistible pull but he just "can't" or won't fully go there.
To twist it a bit more- his Draco Juno sits right on that natal conjunction of my SN/his nessus & deja.
I am surrendering.
I've expended way too much energy into this connection. I'd like to hope for more someday but right now there's major distance (not physical- we live close to each other) but rather "avoidance".
It truly sucks.IP: Logged |
Aubyanne
Moderator Posts: 990
From: Tinseltown, Hollyweird, The Multiverse
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted October 21, 2014 09:46 PM
What are the circumstances? I forget. Both of you are single?IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 21, 2014 10:45 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Aubyanne:
What are the circumstances? I forget. Both of you are single?
I am.
He was seeing someone. Not even sure anymore. But he's not present in my life right now so I'm trying to detatch.
It's painful. IP: Logged |
Aubyanne
Moderator Posts: 990
From: Tinseltown, Hollyweird, The Multiverse
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted October 22, 2014 12:07 AM
You'll have to help me understand a bit more about what happened. Right now, it's just disjointed pieces.IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 22, 2014 07:19 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Aubyanne:
You'll have to help me understand a bit more about what happened. Right now, it's just disjointed pieces.
Basically he refuses to give in to the feelings that exist between us. They're there. He's admitted them.
So he runs. Then peeks around the corner. Then runs again. Then makes his presence known.
Does this make any sense?
He just won't GO there. I'm "scary". Other women are safe. I feel like I'm painful to him. And all I've ever done is love him. I feel punished.
So that's why I'm trying to detatch. And have spent so much time trying to get a grip on our charts to see if there's a story there that I'm not seeing... IP: Logged |
Dancing Maenad
Moderator Posts: 2207
From: The Harvest
Registered: Mar 2014
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posted October 25, 2014 02:36 PM
I am sorry, Intuitive.. The opportunities we fail to acknowledge in life due to immaturity..  ------------------
~the raving one dancing in the nude~ IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 25, 2014 02:46 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Dancing Maenad:
I am sorry, Intuitive.. The opportunities we fail to acknowledge in life due to immaturity..
Thank you DM...
There's nothing more I can do. I am trying to work thru the pain & raw emotion.
It's very tough! IP: Logged |
Aubyanne
Moderator Posts: 990
From: Tinseltown, Hollyweird, The Multiverse
Registered: Sep 2014
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posted October 25, 2014 08:31 PM
quote:
Originally posted by IntuitiveJ:
Basically he refuses to give in to the feelings that exist between us. They're there. He's admitted them.
So he runs. Then peeks around the corner. Then runs again. Then makes his presence known.
Does this make any sense?
He just won't GO there. I'm "scary". Other women are safe. I feel like I'm painful to him. And all I've ever done is love him. I feel punished.
So that's why I'm trying to detatch. And have spent so much time trying to get a grip on our charts to see if there's a story there that I'm not seeing...
I get it. Yes, I think the lesson is to let go. Completely. Mourn it, grieve, and move on. Sometimes the 'reason' is nothing more than to bring us into better touch with ourselves. Especially when we love them, and they punish us. We have to STOP. It may be saintly, but we ain't saints. Not why we're here. Letting go of him was the hardest thing I'd had to in a very long while. I mourned and cried, almost daily, from that day in January until March, when I decided to shelve our project. I remember essentially telling my Guardian that, if we didn't eventually explore our own relationship -- to determine if I HAD buried feelings for him (just as I had with my Twin), and see if we were both running from something, then I felt that we would both suffer. He was still terrified for months, it's a HUGE change of reorientation. But, by October, we were exploring a de facto 'no labels, no expectations' relationship. I'll be damned. It'll be a year tomorrow. We still don't use labels, but we know what they are. We're just too much to define. But very much together. I wonder; is there someone else in your past from which you ran or couldn't deal with before him? From which you'd not gained closure? I know I'll have to deal with my Twin again SOME day. Eventually, I'll have to test the waters. But after so much abuse, (NESSUS conjunct NNODE, 0°) and so much pain -- I had to realise that I kept running because of how much he kept hurting me. Over and over and over again. Until I got out of the way. Finally. After 8 years. We, the 'unsafe ones' need to send these men one message: GROW. UP. IP: Logged |
IntuitiveJ
Knowflake Posts: 697
From:
Registered: Dec 2013
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posted October 26, 2014 07:57 AM
Thank you Auby.
It makes so much sense.
It's really what I'm trying to do- he just haunts me.
I see him once a month at a meeting for an organization we both belong to. We do not work together. It's extremely hard to smile & make small talk because I "have to". I leave the meeting feeling like I've aged 10 years and it takes me a couple of days to feel like myself again.
I've always felt like there will be more. Always.
Maybe it's time to accept I may be wrong.I may still have karma with my ex husband as well. I don't know how to clear it. I was extremely unhappy & I pushed for the divorce. He's still extremely bitter and resentful towards me. Ahhh the drama!!!! How to truly let go. I hope I can figure it out one day....
IP: Logged |
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