posted March 13, 2015 06:49 PM            

The above translated and paraphrased passage from Corinthians is a rather sound approach to love. It's become a mantra for me upon which I call in times of stress; an examplar, to which I hold or compare all interactions.

It wasn't always this way. Once I loved a broken man. I think he loved me, too, in his way, though he only denies ever doing so, and that, in my opinion, is not love. Once we created beautiful things. Now that energy and effort goes into hurting me in order to make himself feel better.

This is not love.

And, so I walked away. After six years, I finally ended the relationship -- though, not formally. I was ambivalent. Someone so dear to me had become someone so awful, and seemingly overnight. As if the man I remembered simply didn't exist. Was my mind playing tricks? I reread all of our old conversations, which seemed to originate from someone else. And for a blissful year, January to November, with the tide beginning to turn in August, we were in sync again, and it felt incredible. I think it hurt us both that we couldn't find a way to realise it in any legitimate fashion, however. By January 2013, it was over. Overnight. In a single deal-breaking, heartrending paragraph of a text message. He still couldn't bring himself to say these things to me, so he wrote them.

It had the unintentional effect of causing me to reevaluate ALL of my relationships, however. And, most heartbreaking, my marriage especially, was coming up short.

To shorten a VERY long story, I was able to realise a Twin Flame relationship properly with a man whom I'd coin 'my Guardian Soul' (for many reasons) even if the relationship with my 'ex-Twin Flame' would devolve into animosity. Through the healing power and elevation (yes, really!) of my relationship with my Guardian, my marriage was able to find legitimate footing. My husband has slowly come to understand the crutch that his emotional and verbal abuse had become, even though my refusing to accept it any further was NOT immediately smooth-going! We all three went through some major growing pains, as is expected.

But my being able to realise a proper Twin Flame relationship has lead to growth and evolution across the board for the three of us.

I hung onto my ex-Twin long enough, feeling a duty or obligation to his awakening, and our fulfilling the terms of a Twin Flame relationship.

It wasn't worth it.

We come into this world knowing, and being able to identify love. But we can forget it over time: abusive childhood, painful and dishonest relating, betrayal and abandonment. The Twin Flame relationship should be a return to that innate understanding; that knowledge of genuine, pure love. If it isn't, then it isn't a Twin Flame relationship. Even if that relationship happens to be with your Twin Flame. They say to 'let go, and let God,' and that's essentially what I did.

While the jury is still out, it seems that a miracle happened. It appears as if my Twin is no longer my Twin -- but that my Guardian has become my Twin. Oh, I can hear you saying, 'what a convenient explanation!' You're absolutely right. I shared your scepticism -- in many ways, I still do. But I also can't deny what I've witnessed, experienced, and what I know. Moreover, how it seems that everything is going along according to some bizarre plan of which I simply wasn't aware.

Whether these are the self-delusions to avoid being wrong about something so significant, or having to alter one's final vote, who can say? The possibilities of each being my Twin Flame seem equally likely, and as far as we know, that's an impossibility. (Though, really, what do we really KNOW about anything?) It merely seems divided; as if, at one particular point in time, my Twin was, indeed, my Twin. Then, since that point, my Guardian has undeniably been my Twin.

posted March 13, 2015 08:35 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by alegna:
I've heard it said, that it's possible for a soul to inhabit more than one body simultaneously. Could this be what is going on here?
Maybe they are BOTH two aspects of your twin?

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Logically, alegna, I'd say that's certainly possible. But my instinct tells me something else is going on. It's leading me to investigate this topic with a greater depth than I ever planned, and that has to be in part why it's going on.

I'd say, were it inconsistent ... although, I can't say for what purpose one would require to 'co-habit' in two separate physical forms, except for a transitional period, which I DO felt occurred from December 2012 to May 2013. Ironically, my 'ex-Twin' and I were having a beautiful progressed synastric synergy that month, around Christmas and the solstice.

My pMOON was conjunct his pSUN conjunct his nASC and my nVERTEX exactly in 0° AQUARIUS. Instead of it being a beautiful merging of mind, body, and soul, it was a tragic ugliness, in which he slaughtered my self-esteem and wrecked my heart. Oh, so deeply. I was gunshy and moderately traumatised for months. I felt half-alive. It was so horrible. When I saw our progressed synastry later January, I thought 'what a tremendous waste!'

It just seemed as if we'd clearly failed to do what we were supposed to, and THAT hurt worst of all. But then starting March 2013, I don't know what was happening. I used to describe it to my husband the only way I could articulate it. It started back in May or so of 2010. My Guardian would 'light up'; he'd be infused with so much passion and spirit ... it was something to behold. It's, honestly, what made me fall for him. It's what pushed me over into being unable to deny it. Oh, I fought so hard to!

But then, November 2010, just as he suddenly ended our relationship (in the most respectful, actually loving way possible) it left him. Sure, I could understand why 'the spark' was gone -- I was a zombie! But it felt like more than that. And when we tried it again, the following April, it just wasn't the same. He wasn't the same. By October, we drifted apart. ... and my Twin suddenly reentered the picture. It felt, inexplicably, that 'it was time' for us to revamp the Twin Flame story we'd written in 2006. And, it turns out, it was. And 2012 was a crazy, tumultuous, bonding, beautiful year ending in frustration and tragic cruelty.

Then, late March, just as inexplicably, my Guardian had 'that look' in his eyes again. He was 'lit up' again. He took my hands in his and an outpouring of emotion spilled forth, as he confessed that nothing had changed, and he felt all of the work he had started the previous summer was allowing him to connect to his emotions again.

He wanted me to know that he still loved me and always will. And that LIGHT was back in his eyes. That ineffable, wonderful energy. I hadn't really felt it in SO long. We had an incredibly warm and loving conversation in the three hours we spent together, and the following day, as my husband and I took off for a week in our hometown, I told him that I may have buried the feelings I had for him, to protect myself from the pain of our breakup. But it wasn't over. It wasn't done. I could FEEL that. He was relieved, as I think we were both tired of my 'Twin's' emotional game playing and runaround. But I knew I needed time. By June, I felt I was ready, but he was slammed with financial hardships and an unremitting schedule.

The day we 'got back together' (as he put it) was a few days before Hallowe'en. It's also the day that tSUN is conjunct my nKARMA, my Guardian's nSNODE, and my ex-Twin's nPLUTO. All 0°.

The first night we were ever together, the tSUN was 0° my ex-Twin's nSUN. Yes. It was on his birthday. And, no, of course that wasn't planned!

I'd say from that December 2012 to May 2013 period, it would be as if they'd 'take turns' being the focus. For the month I was trying to figure things out with my Guardian, I suddenly realised I'd gone the longest ever not speaking with my ex-Twin. He ended up calling me within an hour, saying, 'I just realised it's been a long time since we've spoken.' Like we were both wondering where the time went. So, for a few days, we'd try to 'get back on track', but the pain was too fresh. It was too hard. And he'd fade off into the background again.

It's been that way since. As my Guardian and I began a real relationship, and it's deepened over time, OUR experiences would intensify, and I no longer felt a need to 'check in' with my Twin.

When he was in town late May 2014 for a few hours and wanted to see me, it was complicated, as my Guardian was with us. I could feel how the three of us were somehow dominating the energy at the table with his two coworkers, however.

But afterward, I had this definite sense of ... acceptance. We felt as if we were exes then. We had a history, and it was complicated, and we'd just kind of accepted that a lot of pain existed between us. But nether knew how to really come back from it, so we just pretended for the sake of having ANY time at all with each other, that it didn't exist. For that short duration of time.

Each time I've seen him since, December 2014 and January 2015, it felt as if he'd become more and more of a stranger. I sat beside him in May, and adjacent to him in December, and across from him January. It felt strangely symbolic. He'd still embrace me, but I no longer longed for it.

He wasn't yet one of my dear friends that I could enjoy seeing when I was passing through their city, but he was finally someone it didn't cut like a knife to be leaving. Finally, someone it didn't silently break my heart to be away from.

I felt ... free.

And then I felt sad over the strange freedom. The connexion was gone, but I hadn't actively severed it. I merely allowed it to fade by limiting our contact and redirecting my energy in a positive direction. Towards people who love and appreciate me.

posted March 13, 2015 08:50 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by I'm so cappy:
Imagine that you were wrong about him. If this thought upsets you a lot I think it's a sign that you may be fooling yourself.

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posted March 14, 2015 08:31 AM            

Still this is one of the incidences, where we happen to look at the same thing and do not SEE the same.

Granted I am not living inside your head or heart or soul or spirit, But what I, from this very distanced angle, see and always have seen is that your Guardian has ALWAYS BEEN your twinflame (or what comes closest to it).

I know it is not my place to judge it like that, and yet, I want to just share MY feelings about that.

When you wrote about your Ex-twinflame, all that I received was emotional pain and confusion, but no sense of union.

However how different you sounded when talking about your Guardian. It was like some energy within and outside the words were just sparkling, so bright, that I actually have IMAGES in my head thinking of the two of you. No clue where they come from.

I don`t know about twinflame so much, but what I thought, and maybe did not dare to say cause I would never doubt your feelings, but the thouht I had was: "How on earth can she not feel how this is the one her soul truely loves?"

posted March 15, 2015 01:18 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ceridwen:
Thank you for sharing this.

Still this is one of the incidences, where we happen to look at the same thing and do not SEE the same.

Granted I am not living inside your head or heart or soul or spirit, But what I, from this very distanced angle, see and always have seen is that your Guardian has ALWAYS BEEN your twinflame (or what comes closest to it).

I know it is not my place to judge it like that, and yet, I want to just share MY feelings about that.

When you wrote about your Ex-twinflame, all that I received was emotional pain and confusion, but no sense of union.

However how different you sounded when talking about your Guardian. It was like some energy within and outside the words were just sparkling, so bright, that I actually have IMAGES in my head thinking of the two of you. No clue where they come from.

I don`t know about twinflame so much, but what I thought, and maybe did not dare to say cause I would never doubt your feelings, but the thouht I had was: "How on earth can she not feel how this is the one her soul truely loves?"

I know not my place, maybe i am wrong, but that was what I saw, what I sensed.
Just sharing my perspective without doubting yours.

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I'm right there with you on this, for what it's worth.
Every last word...

I actually remember getting the warm fuzzies and smiling to myself when you first mentioned him, Auby...Even more so now.

Thank you for sharing, I am certainly cheering for you...

quote:

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Originally posted by Aubyanne:

He wanted me to know that he still loved me and always will. And that LIGHT was back in his eyes. That ineffable, wonderful energy. I hadn't really felt it in SO long.

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