posted October 05, 2015 05:16 PM            

As you know by now, my boyfriend and I are two asexual schizoids in recovery, for whom it's also been indicated (a few ways) are also twin flames. For what it's worth, our connexion is deeply empathic, we are eerily identical, and have fully acknowledged our experiencing multiple lifelines together and being 'multidimensionally linked'. Beyond that? I haven't got a clue.

We're both fiercely independent loners; being in a polyamorous arrangement (I'm married; the only time he's ever considered marriage was to me), with all things considered, we're fulfilled and generally happy.

While our overall chemistry is off-the-charts, the logistics of establishing a sexual relationship has been a nightmare. Out of two years of dedicated work, we've made some tremendous discoveries in general, innovated some great techniques which may be of real help in the area of sexual dysfunction (I'm also a therapist), but have almost entirely maintained our passionless, even clinical, caring sexual relationship. For as deeply as we love each other -- and how truly we are in love with one another -- it just hardly ever translates into our shared sexual experience. When it's good, it's phenomenal -- entirely otherworldly. A deep experience of total energetic union. But that's lightning in a bottle. The consistent pattern has instead been the more distanced, clinical, caring approach. It's like 'Masters and Johnson: The Early Years'.

This is not sexy, guys.

And yet, we refuse to give it up -- and it's not even about feelings. We've let each other completely off the hook, with zero hard feelings, and a willingness to accept some bizarre reality: that it's just not translating somehow, and no amount of technical expertise is going to allow us to remove whatever barriers these are which are innate to each of us. He becomes very intense, and panics at the thought that we'd stop. I become very uncomfortable, too. We've acknowledged while, thankfully, we won't actually kill each other, we would absolutely destroy one another. It would wreck our work and our relationship. Allowing the 'distant politesse' to win is therefore just not an option. But what the hell is the alternative?

Further, why are we this way? Why are we so dedicated to maintaining this bare-bones, intercourse relationship that's devoid of passion, and rarely even feels sexual? Am I just too hung up on the surface details to realise something deeper is happening on other levels? It WAS first through this that, each night, I began having dreams of a slew of our alternate / past lifelines together.

If you guys can provide any insight, I'd love it. I'm just totally stumped. He doesn't need sexual release, and, really, neither do I. We're perfectly content to go through our lives without the bothersome addition of sexual relationship or gratification. But together, something happens; we're almost powerless against it. And, it's always the same way, too, a kind of odd routine. A moment of silence will come, once all other 'orders of business' have been addressed, or completed. He'll enquire -- either in a matter-of-fact manner, or a bit dodging, if we should 'begin the beguine', as it were. Typically another hour passes, whilst in this different 'mode', after this mutually agreed-upon gear shift, before we actually do start engaging in intercourse -- but we do.

Only once have we been truly swept up in something so human and much greater. Even passionate. Slightly dark, teasing at the deeper and less 'civilised' emotions. And that came about after months of failed attempts, and was -- I'd say -- purely born of frustration, and the fear that we couldn't. Ever.

And there was something about that just so world-ending; this is absolutely insane for two asexuals, and yet, completely true. We were both terrified of losing it entirely, and it drove us into this frenzied state which led to everything changing. But, we couldn't let it stick. It was too much to handle. He disappeared back into his shell first, (Cancerian, y'know) and I followed suit after my usual attempts at veiled diplomacy failed (all too Libran).

Is it just an intrinsic part of our dynamics? Do we only truly lose control when we fear we're about to lose everything? Is this a part of our 'karmic' baggage through which we're still sorting? Is it just still 'too fresh' for us, somehow?

I also get a feeling that sex led to our mutual downfall. Just an inexplicable, intuitive thing. That it was when we both finally let go, and allowed ourselves to be real and raw with one another, we lost everything. And I'm not sure if it was through no fault of our own, or not. But that's a strange feeling. And it REALLY kicks into gear after these bloody eclipses.

Though, this time, I'm not suddenly afraid of him. ... Or maybe I am and I've just buried it, because I have no reason to be that here. Not with him as he is now. So, I don't let myself.

Complicated, I know. Thoughts? Any idea what's doing this?

Our usual 'sexy ace' charts below.

posted October 05, 2015 07:19 PM            

One thing of which I feel oddly assured, is that we've never had the 'luxury' of being in a conventional, societally-acceptable relationship. Never 'a wife to take out on Sundays', as it were. And yet, I know that it's society we were 'punishing' for one reason or another -- or at least longed to do so. We were each lodged between our own consciences, each other's, and the internal war of acceptance versus ostracism -- and which was even genuinely desired.

And it's not all that different now; we've had to shift our values, reconsider our principles, and bend the inflexible, negotiate the nonnegotiable, in order to have this complicated relationship we do now. And I can't say we aren't grateful for it -- we are. But I think we seek a kind of validation. It's painful to hide the depth and truth of our feelings for one another from the general public, and those who simply won't understand, or are quick to judge. Nonetheless, relationships fit a certain schema; there's a general 'idea' -- a script they follow; a constellatory collection of things associated with them. Some of it's very natural, while other bits are so difficult as to feel impossible at times.

Were we to simply give in to the difficulties and give up fighting to experience congruence of these two presently disparate domains -- a 'poor translation' of our relationship, sexually-speaking -- society would then deem us hardly outside of its bounds of acceptability; we'd be perceived as little more than very affectionate friends. A platonic relationship is of little 'interest' to most in these circumstances. It's only with the potential for scandal that our gossipy tongues long to lash, to the tune of righteous indignation. The mere incite to judge is what often fuels the -- far from evolved, but all too common -- fires of disapproval and all-too-public shaming.

And yet, we didn't come here to hide. We came to grow and evolve ourselves, raise the bar, and demand better -- of each other and everyone around us. It's the fact that society disapproves that's forced us to change in the fundamental ways that we have.

And yet, for all our 'generally accepted unacceptability', we might as well throw in the towel and re-conform to society's norms.

posted October 05, 2015 07:39 PM            

A lot of what you see about sex and love both in the media is BS anyway, which is why there's so much misery, because of all the unrealistic expectations out there that are implausible at best. But then fantasy sells, so it's fantasy over reality. Which isn't bad in of itself but then people start mistaking the fantasy for "realistic" and that's when it becomes a problem.

posted October 05, 2015 08:14 PM            

Oh wait, that doesn't answer your question...

The composite yod of Eros sextile Neptune, both quincunx Cancer Saturn, on his sun, says to me that he is stressing about Eros-Neptune issues...rather than just materializing the erotic dream simply, it's a saturnine *issue* that is clinging to him. It's not like he can shake this off.

Just a guess.

You two okay with kissing and all that?

posted October 08, 2015 02:20 AM            

you always mention about being asexual. I am not sure what you mean. low libido? I am also curious about the school of thought in your therapeutic approach.

just curious. I read your post very often as I find them strange, but eye opening.

posted October 08, 2015 04:31 AM            

PixieJane, I'll clarify my thoughts to better address your very good points soon. Faith, love where you're going with that! And, nordicsoul, let me go ahead and clarify a few things for you now. Interestingly enough, I was just talking about cupiosexuality on Facebook where friends linked me to an article on what's 'replacing' (really, it's just posited at this point) the Kinsey scale.

I could just paste my thoughts here, but instead, I'll be specific and succinct.

Like most things, asexuality is a spectrum; it's a common misconception that asexuals don't and can't engage in sexual activity -- or have relationships. Frankly, when we do, we might be cupiosexual: doing so for a greater reason -- and one that isn't linked to sexual attraction, libido, or even desiring sex. Typically, it's an emotional or psychological need for 'sex' -- which may be very, very specific. Libido is a part of things, yes, and in cupios, libido can develop in direct response to a stimulus that's conditioned with a positive association to a sexual (or sexual themed) activity. It's not as naturally occurring.

I began realising my overall post could be retread as 'what in our synastry denotes our cupiosexuality?' It's fairly rare, and quite amazing that we found one another.