posted January 11, 2020 08:39 PM            

Hi todd and everyone, I’m writing about my marriage and composite here as it helps me think and I also want to contribute back.

Before starting, @todd I want to thank you for all the readings and insights for all these years. You may not remember, but you’ve read this composite a few times and your insights helped me understand this relationship a lot, which helped me grow as an individual as well.
And your reading has always been spot on. Some things I couldn’t relate right away, but by time unraveled. I kept the readings all these years and reread them sometimes.

This is a relationship of almost 15 years, with half the time marriage. We love each other and have affection toward each other, and yet ever since the beginning something was not right. I often felt something was lacking, which I came to realize is an emotional connection.
I often wondered if I was being too emotional or expecting unrealistically,a and how I should accept his lack of emotional expression. I often tried to communicate how I felt, but I couldn’t even explain clearly as I was not sure what was lacking, and yet he would react defensively and critically,
We are indeed blocked in terms of communication and feelings (Saturn/Pluto mp square Nessus and Mercury/Psyche), and coldness and criticism has often been there (Chiron on the Node and AC, with Neptune/Pluto forming a yod, as well as Chiron/Moon sextile yod with Pluto). The pain is quite clear in these patterns. And yet I have always been confuse and hopeful (Moon sauare Neptune). I really don’t know the real him nor he understands me deeply (Moon square Neptune mp square Saturn).

The problem is that we both have deep issues. My childhood restrictive and cold, even abusive environment led me to perceive this as normal, so it was blind to me. He is emotionally blocked and unable to empathize or be in touch with emotions, even his own. This is probably why we can’t emotionally connect (Pluto square Sun). There is harshness and criticism as well as negativity, coldness.

We do get along superficially, there were joyous moments. Strong commitment feelings. Physical intimacy had intense moments, and yet because emotional connection didn’t precede, it faded by time.

Saturn/Uranus mp on DC and south Node, plus square Sun/Moon mp should be telling. To make it worse, even Split is there. Is there any clearer aspect in a chart than this?
For years I tried to ignore it. Look at the positive sides.

And yet by time I understood bit by bit. As I learned about my own issues and now in therapy, I’m beginning to see clearer.

Sometimes I wonder, if I give up, then all of our dreams and everything we built will be gone. All that could ever come to be, won’t be anymore. We have a child together too.

But past years has been so hard. Feeling alone, trying to survive a difficult phase and being shown harshness and further pain. Even thought I tried hard to swim up, I feel being pushed down again. He tried hard to improve too, but some things just never really changed and I can’t see myself in this for the rest of the time.

In hope that he’d change, the one who changed the most is myself. I molded and repressed my own needs so that we could continue.
So I realized thst what I’m giving up is not dreams and hopes tha can come to be but rather more pain.

Marriage vows means promising to take care of each other, and my decision will probably hurt him a lot, but I just can’t hang on anymore. I do hope to remain friendly, at least for the sake of our child. I do have affection for him as well and don’t want to see him suffer much.

Transit Node has been squaring my Aries stellium for a while, and I think it has been activating parts of myself which were dormant and numbed. I realized that I want to live life passionately and intensely, and with this relationship I’d just be numbed.

I’m worried that I may not be able to finalize this decision and continue clinging on the relationship, but I must be strong. It has always been there, I often doubted about us despite loving each other.

I hope this post can help others who are curious of composite aspects.

I will post the chart in the next post.

posted January 11, 2020 08:52 PM            

With other objects:

posted February 11, 2020 12:29 PM            

Somehow, now my feelings for him are clearer. I do love him and feel affection for him, and no doubt he loved me dearly all this time. It’s just our baggages and lessons are too painful.

But now I can see the theme of healing. With him, I learned a lot, and learning to break up for our sake, my sake, is needed. On the other hand, I pushed him out of his comfort zone, and breaking up is needed for him to transform. Breaking up is needed for both of us to be set free and become better selves each.

It’s as if we fitted like puzzle and went through this process of healing each of us.

posted February 11, 2020 12:31 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hikaru29:
Hi AriesLilith

Can you share more on your cSun square Pluto? I also have this with my guy and the interpretations said it shows a lot of control issues and trying to change each other. I haven't experienced much of these though.

---