posted May 30, 2023 06:26 PM
Hi everyone!I'm in need of opinions.
I'm 39. Since 3 days.
A little background if you'd like:
This man was pretty much my first love but I ran away. from him, without being able to truly let him go, because the intensity of my feelings terrified me (I was 12 years old when we met - it was love at first sight for him - we dated 4 days (after a year of him trying to win my heart) and I sent a friend to break up). We played cat and mouse. He dated my friends when he thought I was playing with him. We were trying to make each other jealous until he actually fell for a friend. Broke my heart. But I wanted to see him happy so we became friends. We stayed friends for years.
Attempted one or two more times but each time, it couldn't go through. I thought he didn't love me enough (only physically and since I had issues with my body, I felt terrified to opening myself completely to him). He thought I was playing with him and that I didn't know what I wanted.
We lost touch 15 years ago. I told him I would kiss him for real one day. Didn't expect we would lose each other for years. I left our country. In retrospect, I feel I should have kiss him that day but we actually never were single at the same time. I think between the age of 15 and 39, we were single at the same time for a month... During which I went to his house after a break up but he wasn't there. There were a lot of missed opportunities like this.
We both got together with other significant (17 years and 13 years relationships) and had kids. We became friends again a few years back (2017). at the end of last year, he had a terrible break up and was very depressed. He's the guy with all the red flags (drinking, smoking, gambling - his ex says cheating - I can't know this one.) My reason is telling me to run away. His ex of 17 years left him for his cousin. He was so devastated, I couldn't leave him. And when he opened up to me, and I got scared for him, all my feelings came crashing back in. I didn't feel those feel those feelings for years, I don't know where they came from but it was like, something got activated by his walls being down, and that reopened my heart to him of something.
So despite my reason, I ran towards him after a month of chatting. I crossed half the planet for a kiss. It felt like it was our last chance. It was driving me crazy, the idea that maybe this was our last chance.
Sorry, it's so long, but I'm considering moving back to my country and be with him at the end of this year for 3 months - to be sure. Then for real at the end of 2024. I am afraid of the depth of this relationship. I try to be as honest as possible to avoid any more misunderstanding between us. This time, we have our walls down for the first time. It took 27 years for me to finally be with him. I take - we both take this relationship as a potential "until we die" kind of thing. AKA very seriously.
But I'm still uncomfortable because he makes me more vulnerable than anyone else in my entire life. And he says he wouldn't be alive if I wasn't in his life.
I don't want to play games with him, we've lost each other many times, I loved him, and I think he did love me. I want us to not make a mistake. I don't like all the neptune (goes both ways, too, My Neptune opposing his Venus and my Venus quincunx his Neptune. )
Also worried about the Pluto-Venus aspect - My pluto trines his Venus and my Venus quincunx his Pluto - do they balance each other a little? I want a relationship that's healthy. Strong/intense doesn't bother me. I think?
We lost each other because of our egos/pride. Because of misunderstandings. Because of imbalance of power. Because we never showed each other how vulnerable we were in front of one another. Now we do. But - maybe because of how he aspects my ascendant (square Pluto), I feel extremely vulnerable with his criticism. I feel like he does want to own me and while I like his possessiveness (I am, too), I am very independant and I don't like him potentially attempting of controlling me?
I've helped him a lot during this hard time of his. And I'm ok with helping him. I do want to give him a lot. I want to give him the rest of my life. But most importantly, I do want a healthy and positive relationship. This one feels so intense than I'm scared of being blinded.
The stakes are too high - I would have to give up everything (country, work, divorce...) and start from scratch in order to be with him. I need points of views about our synastry.
I'm terrified because my reason is screaming "are you crazy? How many red flags do you need to run away?"
and my heart "I loved him in all of my relationships. No one makes my body vibrate like he does. No one soothes me like him. No one's pain tugs at my heart like his"
Other things:
- When we were together (February, for only a few days) the attraction was indeed intense. Magnetic. Deep.
- Sex was natural, easy, intense and also liberating.
- There's an incredible pull between us. I could never get close enough. I had to touch him whenever I could.
- There's a deep trust and a sense of soothing when we're together.
- We can talk for hours of anything. We do. It's currently long distance and will have to be for many more months. We can 1 to 8hours a day.
- it's extremely hard not to talk to him for a day or two. Haven't managed more since the beginning of the year.
- There's a fear in me that he's manipulating me although I do trust him. I don't know if that's accurate or not. Or if I could see through it.
- Also, I must admit that I fear that there is more love on my side for him than the other way around. I've got no doubts about desire... But desire fades (even with pluto, right? I mean, we're about 40 years old now, how long can desire be this intense???) so that's another point that I can't find reassurance in the stars with my little knowledge. I always seem to find more love on me end...
so there. Thoughts?
Thank you 
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posted May 30, 2023 06:26 PM
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