posted March 17, 2021 05:45 AM            

So basically my lifelong dream has been to GTFO of the corrupted state I've lived in my whole life. Before I was born my parents just decided to move here because my Dad was starting a business & was just following the $$. States away from any family members. I'm from one of the largest cities in the US & honestly I just feel like I was born out of my element. Don't get me wrong, I do love my home town & am proud to be a native of this crooked place..you know, its my home. But none the less I have always wanted to move but life happens & time slips away from us all.

A few months ago my sister move clear across the country. TBH I miss her. More than I thought I would. We both moved back home a few years ago around the same time. We always have had that sibling bond & have always had each other's back & were there when it really mattered, but we were never really close before or really active in one anothers lives. We've become the best of friends since living together. Anyway she moved last fall. & while the lower levels of estrogen & less traffic in the house is nice, its boring AF. My mom & i have been at each other's throats more than usual. Ik she wants me out possibly even more than I do.

I ended things with my exhusband about 5 years ago & moved out of his house about 6mos later. He was pretty much my first everything. I was with him since I was 18 & he was 21 until I was 29. I became estranged from my family at 18, it was family drama completely unrelated to my ex, just the timing of the 2 separate events. He came from a large, close knit Italian family. Something I had never experienced but so badly wanted. Just an entirely different world than that of the tiny, dysfunctional broken family I understood. His family & friends became mine. It was like losing everyone I knew when we split. If I am being completely honest, it has taken forever to adapt & remember myself from before him. I don't miss him or anything like that, I had been emotionally checked out years before I left him. But idk..I feel like that life experience built me in many ways so its like part of my foundation that was able to fill in some essential pieces that I wasn't able to find in my own upbringing.

In December 2015, When I had silently decided to leave my marriage, before I told him or anyone. I was putting my getaway plan into action when I met my TF. I stumbled across what would have been my idea of my dream job at the time (logically speaking) & started working at my twin's company. He didn't hire me, he was on vacation when I started. I met him at the very beginning of 2016. I had (attempted) to abandoned the TF experience many times before & I believed i had done so at that time. I rejected my twin identity and didn't want to hear the word. I just wanted to focus on me and getting my to a good place, even when the TF energy would be obvious, id still deny it and act like it wasn't there. The first few months he would jump on any chance he had to talk to me or spend time with me & I would go to great lengths to avoid him. His company, the main location, the one I worked at is right by my house too. I don't work there anymore, my choice, but being so close I just feel so congested.

I had worked for him on and off over the last 5 years. I would always become so overwhelmed by the connection that I would just bail unexpectedly several times.

The urge to move away has been pretty constant since my divorce. I would say until recently about half of what was driving me in that direction was both the honest desire to embark on an adventure, seeing how that unravels. The other half was how much I was scared of my TF. Just irrational fears. I thought getting away from him I would forget him but we all know how that works out.

Over the last year especially I have learned to confront my emotions & no longer have a fear of them. My reasoning for wishing to move these days is entirely grounded by my inner need to explore and evolve. No part of me is trying to run from anything. I just honestly feel unfulfilled. Like I am searching for something & ik I am not going to find it where I am at. I try to convince myself to stay here for some reason, I think I feel guilty leaving my ma, like I worry if something bad happens it'd be my fault. Ik thats crazy, she's a grown woman and has people. She just retired & is in her mid 60s so its not like she's that old.

The past few months I have been thinking about moving constantly. The past 2 weeks straight I have been researching places I have interest in. I was pretty much sold on some place about a 5-6 hour drive & just figuring out what I have to do. I've still been all over the place though. Still analyzing, seeing what reasons I have for staying. So far the reasons I've found have been based around comfort & for other people.

I have my mom, my TF, & my 2 best (only :-P) friends here. One lives over an hour away and its hard for me to get together with her. We talk everyday but have only seen each other in person twice in the past year. The other one lives 45mins away and works pretty much every waking minute. Plus he's a ticking time bomb himself, he's got his own chaos..Great person, I love him & worry about him but I'm not sure what to do, he's got his own problems he needs to face. I have been distant with him for awhile though. We have the same demons and I've worked so hard to overcome them. He's still very much consumed by his & he doesn't seem to know it. He brings out my weakness and its just too much. So I've just been a little bit icy towards him to protect myself from myself.

What is most important to me though is what is best for my 1yo doggie. She's my world so she's my #1 concern.

I've also been wanting to plan a trip to see my sister. She's been asking me to come out & I want to. Since I'd be bringing my dog I'd have to drive & its a good 1700 miles.

I considered moving out by my sister, but I didn't want her to feel like I'm invading her space. Her and I have been talking about me visiting all day today. I am all but certain if I manage to drive 1700 miles away from my current location, I doubt I'm coming back without good reason. I'd either keep on driving or set up camp by my sister.

On the subject of my dog, moving by my sister is probably the best option I see so far. I have no one to really look after my dog here. She's way to powerful for my mom and she doesn't feel comfortable taking her outside. When my sister moved she took her dog with & I can tell my baby misses her cousin. She lives with her friend and his 2 dogs. I try to socialize my pup as much as I can but she doesn't have any consistent friends either. It's just the 2 of us! :-P We could both use a change though.

I've been feeling our environment pushing us both out more and more & it just feels like its time to push on.

I do think about my twin though. If there is anything here I would miss, it'd be him. Him and I both began rather significant transits at the beginning of the year & they are both playing out very actively in our lives. We both have a few years of this so it might be better to be apart during this time. Its not like I can't ever come back.

But right now I have nothing tying me here. I can work wherever I want with my current jobs. Right now I've just been delivering food/groceries when I want & cleaning homes a few times a week. I can pick up and do that anywhere.

My career choice (not my maid/food gigs) is, idk, a little unconventional. I found myself working as an exotic dancer a few years back while on a break from my twin's company. Not a career I ever thought I'd have but w/e. Anyway I found I really liked it. I am good at it, the money is great and its an art in someways. Well it can be...I can express my deepest pains without saying anything or appearing vulnerable. I learned alot more about myself from doing that than most other jobs. But I just feel so claustrophobic working around here, like I can't get completely comfortable.

I've included a bunch of charts.

NATAL:
http://imgur.com/a/TzdlnNM

RELOCATION:
http://imgur.com/a/n3cBaLa

COMPARISON:
http://imgur.com/a/9gVQqg8

NATAL WITH TRANSITS:
http://imgur.com/a/Gu4O55X

RELOCATION CHART WITH TRANSITS:
http://imgur.com/a/WmBSZF0

Like I said, I know almost nothing about the technicalities of reading a relocation Chart. I can make assumptions based on what I know but I'd rather have someone who knows what exactly they are staring at. What are the pros? cons? Is there anything I am not seeing clearly? What ever you have for me is great!

posted March 17, 2021 05:50 AM            

I'm going to toss a few relevant asteroids in the mix & post them in a bit.