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Author Topic:   how to get one of today's kids to treat a parent with respect
crabbypatty
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Posts: 822
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Registered: Apr 2009

posted May 21, 2013 01:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for crabbypatty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am so frustrated with my 8 year old. He is an Aquarius, with Leo moon and Gemini rising. Super super bright, nobody can believe how advanced he is.

The trouble is, he was raised around a father who has a BIG mouth and never respected me (Mom) which means the kids heard all sorts of things that Dad thought about Mom. Constantly, every day.

For example, my (now ex) husband would say, in front of our son, "Why do you sit on the computer for such a long time every morning with your coffee and then rush around at the last minute?" (Never mind that I am usually the only one who makes breakfast for our child, makes his snack and lunch for school, motivates him to brush his teeth and get dressed, etc.) The fact that I need my "wake up time" in front of the computer became an item of ridicule.

So... fast forward to now and he's in second grade and needs to be ready for the school bus at a certain time. Most mornings he gets ready on time, with prodding, of course. Some mornings (like today) he is ready earlier than I am, if my shower is a bit longer, etc. And he has started to "lecture" me about not being ready at the same time that he is. I already told him last week in no uncertain terms that he is not to adopt a lecturing tone with me, that I am the mother and he is to respect me, not question me about why I am still getting dressed, or brushing my teeth or whatever. I cancelled a playdate in order to demonstrate to him that I was not pleased with his attitude and his tone.

Apparently the lesson was not learned, because he did the same thing this morning. He sounds exactly like his father when he talks to me, and it's very distressing to me that he thinks that at the age of 8, he is allowed to speak to his mother like this.

I don't believe in hitting, and the only thing that I can do is take away his Nintendo games or TV or something else he enjoys.

I wonder, though, am I misguided? Do parents deserve a modicum of respect from today's kids, just because "I'm the parent and you're the child?" The argument doesn't seem to resonate with this kid at all. He looks at me like I'm absolutely nuts when I react this way.

I would love input from other parents, or even from teenager/young adults.

This kid has made me question so many things that I once believed.

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snarly
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From: Wales, UK
Registered: Oct 2010

posted May 22, 2013 08:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for snarly     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You have my total sympathy! My boy is 10, Aquarius sun, Sag moon and Gem rising and he sounds very much like your son. He's also super-intelligent, and I think a lot of his attitude stems from him trying to act 'grown up'. He idolises his father (my OH) who can also be quite unspoken himself, unfortunately. And like yourself, I get virtually no respect - he wants to be a man already, I guess?

We too have banned him from computer games when he crosses the line, but as you know, it doesn't really make much difference! I have spoken to him/lectured/pulled my hair out, but what I found really helped was taking the pressure off myself and letting him learn his own mistakes. I try to engage him with people that are respectful, polite etc, and maybe making small talk later about how nice that person was. I also try and take time out with him in nature - we spent a beautiful hour last weekend in the garden just looking for tadpoles in the pond, and he was just lovely to be around.

Yeah, it is so, so hard, but I feel by taking a step back (within reason) helps him to see that he's not always right, and other people sometimes need to do their own thing. Hope this helps a tiny bit x

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doommlord
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From: israel
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posted May 22, 2013 08:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for doommlord     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think that becuse your child is more intelligent he does not see the logic behind the parental demand for respect just becuse they are there...especially for a little aqua freedom fighter

I think the fact the his father talks that way without punishment makes him a bit resentfull when he does get the punishment for behaving like his parents (which is at time, a natural occurance for better or worse)

Try one day to actually get ahed of him and then show him that everybody can be a bit late or out of synch with the other and instead of complaining he should offer help in case its needed.

I know its not the best advice but its the best i can think of now.

About the things you should not do....i used to have a similiar situation with my mother.... i heard threats of how i will be beaten and how i will be thrown into an orphanage since she would leave me and a lot of other not-so-very-nice things to say....

Of all the plans i have for the future (ambitious cappy riser) keeping any connection with her is not one of them.

I wish you the best of luck with your child <3

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crabbypatty
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posted May 22, 2013 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for crabbypatty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Wow, Snarly, sounds like our kids could be soul brothers! I appreciate your comments.

Doomlord, you're probably right, as an Aquarius he probably thinks the whole parent/child hierarchy is a load of cr*p. Or, as they say in your neck of the woods, "shtooyot"!

Yes, I am sometimes ready before him in the morning, and since you mentioned it, I will now use those opportunities to illustrate to him that we all have late days, and it shouldn't be something you hold over the other person's head! I like the way you think.

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crabbypatty
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posted May 22, 2013 02:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for crabbypatty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Snarly, my son idolizes his Dad, as well. They also have an exact Sun-Venus conjunction, whereas the only thing I have with the kid is Mars-Chiron. I really cannot compete with the adoration between him and Dad.

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doommlord
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From: israel
Registered: Dec 2011

posted May 22, 2013 03:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for doommlord     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by crabbypatty:
Wow, Snarly, sounds like our kids could be soul brothers! I appreciate your comments.

Doomlord, you're probably right, as an Aquarius he probably thinks the whole parent/child hierarchy is a load of cr*p. Or, as they say in your neck of the woods, "shtooyot"!

Yes, I am sometimes ready before him in the morning, and since you mentioned it, I will now use those opportunities to illustrate to him that we all have late days, and it shouldn't be something you hold over the other person's head! I like the way you think.


im glad you liked it and i do hope it will help ^^ keep us updated!

and i have to see any true woods here in the deseret XD

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crabbypatty
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posted May 22, 2013 08:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for crabbypatty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
True, Doomlord, true.

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Love&Light
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From: India
Registered: Oct 2011

posted May 22, 2013 10:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Love&Light     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My elder niece was verryyyy smart even as a kid so the only way i could keep up with her is get ahead of her. She was living with us then and i had to take care of her routine. Do this several times i.e. being one up on her and get the message around. But i am sorry to say that all messages don't necessarily last very long so don't get bitter or very angry over it because it won't help either of you. My own experience. Now i regret having said or done some things which i could have ignored but seemed very important then. She too remembers some things that irked or scared her. Luckily she is a double aries and doesn't cling on to them.

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Geeky
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posted July 05, 2013 04:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Geeky     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
If you are on FB, follow Free Your Kids. Not all advice is perfect, but I learn so much there.

https://www.facebook.com/freeyourkids

What I have learned in my journey to peaceful parenting is to let go of society's expectations for my parenting and my children's behavior. Do what works for you while respecting & loving your son.

------------------

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Aries23Degrees
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Posts: 294
From: South Africa
Registered: Dec 2012

posted March 04, 2014 03:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aries23Degrees     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by crabbypatty:
I am so frustrated with my 8 year old. He is an Aquarius, with Leo moon and Gemini rising. Super super bright, nobody can believe how advanced he is.

The trouble is, he was raised around a father who has a BIG mouth and never respected me (Mom) which means the kids heard all sorts of things that Dad thought about Mom. Constantly, every day.

For example, my (now ex) husband would say, in front of our son, "Why do you sit on the computer for such a long time every morning with your coffee and then rush around at the last minute?" (Never mind that I am usually the only one who makes breakfast for our child, makes his snack and lunch for school, motivates him to brush his teeth and get dressed, etc.) The fact that I need my "wake up time" in front of the computer became an item of ridicule.

So... fast forward to now and he's in second grade and needs to be ready for the school bus at a certain time. Most mornings he gets ready on time, with prodding, of course. Some mornings (like today) he is ready earlier than I am, if my shower is a bit longer, etc. And he has started to "lecture" me about not being ready at the same time that he is. I already told him last week in no uncertain terms that he is not to adopt a lecturing tone with me, that I am the mother and he is to respect me, not question me about why I am still getting dressed, or brushing my teeth or whatever. I cancelled a playdate in order to demonstrate to him that I was not pleased with his attitude and his tone.

Apparently the lesson was not learned, because he did the same thing this morning. He sounds exactly like his father when he talks to me, and it's very distressing to me that he thinks that at the age of 8, he is allowed to speak to his mother like this.

I don't believe in hitting, and the only thing that I can do is take away his Nintendo games or TV or something else he enjoys.

I wonder, though, am I misguided? Do parents deserve a modicum of respect from today's kids, just because "I'm the parent and you're the child?" The argument doesn't seem to resonate with this kid at all. He looks at me like I'm absolutely nuts when I react this way.

I would love input from other parents, or even from teenager/young adults.

This kid has made me question so many things that I once believed.


BRAVO to you for having the guts to take on the most testing, most demanding and most challenging role of your life.

Every parent(one that actually gives a damn) should get a Nobel prize. Really! The job of grooming a soul towards self-actualization, whilst also trying to realize oneself is HUGE.

A SOUL. Think about that one. Bravo!!!!

Now, in as far as respect is concerned, I think in an old school kind of way.

1.Parents should avoid arguing or second-guessing each other in front of their kids. Kids will often see the more "dominant" parent as a "God" and the other one as "less than".

2.Parents should be consistent in as far as discipline is concerned. A burgeoning personality is not aware of its own boundaries and will test its limits.

If the parents are not consistent in their exercise of "all action has a reaction", the child will assume the rest of the world is an oyster for them to behave as they please.

3. Respect, much like reputation, is built over time. Fear is not respect and neither is being "friends" with your children.

Kids can differentiate between a parent that cares and one that wants to assert its authority over them.

In both instances, rebellion can occur but the difference is; with the former, the parent always shows consistent affection, love and guidance. Whilst with the latter, there is distance, indifference and "role" confinement.

Now you said that you had set a time frame within which to get ready in the morning and yet, you are the very person who does not comply to it???? This makes no sense to me , much less your child.

And i think that he is taking that tone with you because he sees your inconsistency and it baffles him that you expect a certain behavior from him whilst you are not consistent with your rules yourself.

If you are going to be the boss, at-least be aware of company policy.



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PlutoSurvivor
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Posts: 588
From: USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 04, 2014 08:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlutoSurvivor     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Geeky:
If you are on FB, follow Free Your Kids. Not all advice is perfect, but I learn so much there.

https://www.facebook.com/freeyourkids

What I have learned in my journey to peaceful parenting is to let go of society's expectations for my parenting and my children's behavior. Do what works for you while respecting & loving your son.



Excellent advice.
I'm not on Facebook, but I'm sure there is good information there.


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PlutoSurvivor
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Posts: 588
From: USA
Registered: Sep 2011

posted April 04, 2014 09:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlutoSurvivor     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Aries23Degrees:

1.Parents should avoid arguing or second-guessing each other in front of their kids. Kids will often see the more "dominant" parent as a "God" and the other one as "less than".

2.Parents should be consistent in as far as discipline is concerned. A burgeoning personality is not aware of its own boundaries and will test its limits.



Super!

I was thinking, if I had to do if over again what would I do differently? These two factors mentioned above are key.

If you are at a point of frustration and you can't control who your son is becoming, based on your idea of who you want him to be, then it is time to look inside and take control of yourself. Disrespect of one spouse to another is the first thing to deal with, apart from the parenting. Disrespect from a child to a parent is a learned behavior, in my experience.

I personally allowed my spouse to do the same and I observed how the children learned from him, ways of being, that were foreign to me and my life ecperience.
I did not know astrology when I got married and believe me, that is probably the number one tool that could have brought understanding to the whole family dynamic.

I did not see who he was at the core and I could not change him as I watched him become revealed to me. I was the best parent at the time acting with the information I knew, and if I knew differently then, what I know now, I would do differently.. He is not to blame and i am not to blame for the way our children turn out, because we are acting on what we know at the time. I am acting different now because I have different knowledge now. The only way to change things is to learn from the situation and move on.

Really look inside at your own issues. Have courage to see the message your family is bringing you about yourself. Change You. Work on Your issues from the top down, with You and your husband, and then with You and your son. Not with your husband and your son together. Kids will take over because of the insecurity of the parents. Parents need to have an agreement to stick together. When there are power controls between parents chaos results. When you and your husband become a team you can work on family issues together.

That's what I would have done differently.
There are many tools available today and many avenues of support.

Let go of who they are and focus on who you are and all will be well. If you can utilize the tools that would create a parenting TEAM your children could have a higher chance of success for becoming harmonious within your family. Set your best example, then let go and trust the result will be nothing than the best.


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Randall
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From: Saturn next to Charmainec
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posted April 05, 2014 10:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

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