posted September 27, 2005 04:16 PM         

i know thats what i would have chosen out in the cosmos as a path. its tough. i write, i speak, it is my specialization. i used to call it my gift and my curse, but its really not mine at all... thats what ive come to realize. its what im now trying to embrace

i am on the threshold. i used to mind only having one person to talk to- she is my best friend, she's a scorpio, she taught me what passion is- ill tell you what, its hard to assimilate, but it surely is beautiful. we're on the outs right now, probably for a while- i betrayed her out of fear of being hated by the world. by trying to tiptoe around that inevitability. i digress, that may only make sense to me, i speak in generalities alot.

i realize that my path leads me to embrace all around me. it is my path, but since you are all here on this forum, we all share the same goal. and with that i want it to be known that i love you all, because of what you're trying to do with your souls. i love you all because you help me, i and help you. i surely know how hard it is. i have stared into horror. horror of my own making, and i wasn't scared. it scared me to not be scared of horror. i can no longer fight, i refuse to fight, i can only love, its all i have left, love or death. its all anyone has, you may just not be there yet. you will, and ill be here to let you know its not necessarily fun, but it is truly something to behold. we are all united by our struggle. i know that one day we will all be united in our victory. this is it. if you are alive today then you will be alive tomorrow. if you have felt a light shine on you once before then you are assured one tomorrow- you wouldn't have it any other way.

i wrote this

i do not believe i have been here before. or else it is where i always stumble. where i always quit. im crawling- i refuse to stop dead, but i am moving ever so slowly. backwards perhaps, but still moving- though where im headed does not pay tribute to linear motion. ive stopped crying, ive stopped looking at myself as the victim; i am doing it to myself. so who is to be put on trial? i used to beg to know. now i just sit quietly. when is the right time to break the chains? i dont hate myself. i hate what im doing. i love myself but hate the actions. i think im almost free. i dont let my actions determine my feelings of self, i let my feelings of self determine my actions. and my actions are now of sin, because thats what i have known. i commited these actions when i denied myself, to sooth the pain of not knowing. now that i know i commit these actions out of fear of never finding the right action. i know the right action. i fear the clarity of commitment. i fear the jump. i fear the cutting of the tether. such a fine line for gluttony. such a fine line for perfection. a razor's edge. i know i cant grab too tightly, for the goal will dissolve in my very hands. i cant grab too lightly or it will slip away. and i had long given up the idea of not grabbing at all. but now that i know, i am sitting, not grabbing, waiting for the "right time". there is no such thing as time when it comes to total victory. victory or death. pristine crystal clear. i fear the victory, because with it comes the end of the war. how does a warrior fight on without a war. the highest virtue of the warrior is when he is so finely tuned that he no longer reaches for his weapon, but for the hand of his fellowman.

the answer is a light embrace, from an old friend you never knew. know him now, for he awaits.

you may live forever if you chose, but not to avoid death

posted September 27, 2005 04:26 PM         

Thanks for sharing and caring, and I Love You too!
You have a gift with words, and I'd love to read, more and more.
You are on the Path as so many of us are, it is hard, but the rewards are great.