posted October 17, 2019 06:53 PM
I don't wanna freak out anyone, but I need to express myself somewhere, freely and honestly.
It's gonna be a long text I don't expect many people will actually read it anyway.
thanks if you do.
I just need to write how I feel, somewhere where maybe a random person would read it, like this I feel a little bit of relief feeling that I could actually connect or share how I feel.
The thing is... I have very strong feelings about killing myself.
I cannot do it because I lack the courage and because I am very aprehensive to blood and all those things, plus I am afraid of not sucseding and ending up like a vegetable.
The thing is I have a very good friend who did it. We were very similar. Both wanted to live an unconventional life with more meaning than our parents lifes.
Both coming from posh families who were very serious and expected us to be doctors or sucsefull people, but we wanted to travel and wanted to be actors musicians... and seemed pretty unusefull to our parents.
not that I am blaming them. I have a good family who suported me economically probably more than they should.
And I had the privilege to travel and to go to acting College. I am not complaining about my life I know I have been pretty lucky I am not blaming anyone but me.
I have always been terrified of not finding a higher meaning in life than just working and buying clothes and worrying about what people think of me.
So at 19 I went to monastery to live there for 2 years ... anyway, I did many things and spiritual research , to be able to find some meaning because I feel something is terribly wrong with living a normal life in a city, feeling you are just working and getting old and then dying.
I went to comunites and got into many diferent spiritual things.
I know a ' normal life' just staying alive and doing some job and dying, that is a comfortable good life for many people but I just can't live that way.
Anyway, I just feel so sad and afraid all the time and even if its hard to confess it, I see my friend is more loved now that he is dead, than before, and I wish that for me too.
its like... now he is like a heroe who gave so many things to people and its like if he achieved something and people love him.
before dying people would just say he was annoing and weird.
I feel I am not achieving anything in my life and I wish at least I achieve that so I can be remembered.
I know it sounds ridiculous but its the truth.
I am gonna be 26, and I am terrfied about becoming old... about loosing every good thing I have as a person, about become a robot who cant dream.
I have many friends who loves me but for some reasons, we live in diferent countries now.
As an artist its very unlikely for me to sucsed because I don't have confidence.
I dont take oportunities when I see it. I dont go to auditions much. Basically right now I am just doing nothimg because I am too depressed and I look truly like a zombie, so pale and thin.
I don't even wanna go to an audition looking like that unless if I would wanna be taken for a horror movie.
Not that I think sucses is everything. I dont feel that way. Its not about sucseding or not. Its about feeling I cant even try,
I cant even get better as a musician or as an actor because I dont even have the will to make an effort.
thats what makes me feel like a loser. its not about social sucses.
And this have been going on my whole life.
I am terrified of getting old I dont know why. Probably because I feel every beautifull thing will go away as I have seen it in my parents lifes.
So I feel if I die at least I will be remembered and have done something in life and I wont get grey.
If I just live a long pointless life it would be much worse.
Any little thing can break me, and make me feel I wanna die. and I dnt wanna live like that its exhausting.
I just watched a random youtube video which I dont know why was in my recomendations list. A guy said you are just able to dream and have like... enthusiasm and new perspectives, between the age of 12 and 24.
after that you are old acording to him and uncapable to have new ideas.
I have to say at least for me I have crazier ideas now , than when I was 19 or 20, I was way more stuburn and less openminded by then, and less able to believe in miracles.
But I also feel what about if he is right and all the things I value in life, will be over?
Also he refers to himself as old and he seems like 30 , so that is gonna be me in 4 years.
why to live if its all about getting worse and worse and losing your imagination?
I just would never be able to live that way.
I truly prefer dying.
I know I have many irational fears. I went to the psicologist to hipnotherapy and I understand where all those fears come from but I can't put them away.
Still I feel the whole world tells me , you need to do everything and get everything when you are young, get a man , get a job, fabricate an identity and then stay static like that with all those things and die.
I just cant live like that. For me its a horrible idea, the idea of life that most people have.
I feel very disturbed when I hear older people saying oh you are young you can do this and that.
its like... what is life then? You cant get love or anything after some time? You cant make changes?
Then if you cant change anything how are you gonna progress at all as a human? what meanig would life have?
Why should you be alive then?
I just dont ever wanna be that. Also I cant live like that now. Trying to trap a guy, to get social status and a house so I can be trapped in all those things at 30 and then just be static there and die.
I just cant. I am not able. Its too pointless for me. I rather die for real with body and soul than killing my spirit and continiou breathing in a death living life.
I went to therapy already, still I feel the same.
I am taking money from my father, and I feel I am a problem for him.
And I dont wanna be I dont wanna keep worrying him, I feel things will be easier without me.
In general I truly feel everything will be better if I am gone.
I am not sure I can live in this world. I know you create your own reality but I cant control my depressed feelings.
So I know I am creating myself a sad life, atracting disapointment and sadness myself
But I cant help it. I truly tried to change it but I couldnt.
I feel I cant live in this world were everybody live in a diferent way than me.
People see the immortality thing as ridiculous, and the idea of fun is just scaping reality with drugs alcohol and loud music.
I never enjoyed it.
I like dancing but not those things like... lets get unconscious together! I have a diferent idea of fun.
But I see people around and I feel everybody just smokes weed and talk put on a mask but nobody can actually have a conversation for real.
How am I gonna survive wih my ideals if nobody else has it?
Soon I will fully belief its all fantasies, and just work and die, or just be unusefull as now, and die.
I believe in everything. I did belief in immortality in miracles. but nobody else suports that.
Soon I may doubt it too.
And I dont wanna live a mormal life.
I prefer reiincarnating and coming back in the future where things will be easier.
I cant fit here in this world now. I do fake it very well. I have friends and they all think I am the happiest person.
But its fake and I like to meet people but I cant truly connect with anyone. And I know its my own fault.
So... the question is... does any of you know a way that I can kill myself with minimum pain and a way which will for sure work and not leave me half alive and sick?
Please if someone has any idea share it. It will just be something helpfull for me.
Also the other issue is I dont wanna create bad karma.
If I do it, the only person I am truly sorry for , is my father.
He told me many times that he would never survive to see me dying and that he will kill himself too if I ever die.
I dont want to see my father like that I mean he did a lot for me.
But he never had any kind of depressive tendency so maybe he will move on.
I just wish I could explain him that this is what I actually want and that he shouldnt be sad.
my mother she died already so I will be happy to meet her as I miss her a lot.
For the rest of people I am not worried at all as they are gonna be fine for sure.
But I dont wanna mess up with my karma because I KNOW I am going to reincarnate again.
And I dont wanna have it even harder.
The only thing which would look like it can create bad karma is the suffering I will create for my father.
I mean by killing myself , I would give him so much sufering. that most be bad karma. Right?
But at the same time I truly not wish to give him sufering, I am just doing what in my free will I feel is right for me. So... is it really bad karma?
But he may feel guilty and guilt is horrible I dont wanna give that emotion to anyone.
Apart from that, I dont see which bad consequences could that have in my karma.
Linda says we have the right to die.
why should it be bad karma?
Also, will I immediatly see the loved people who died if I die too? Will they come to ' pick me up to the light'?
Or I will find bad spirits or something?
I am also a bit afraid of that because a woman who said she had some kind of gift to see the ghosts and all that she told me people who kill themselves get stock somewhere with some dark spirits and they cant get to the light.
I am just having doubts but I dont truly trust her opinion.
Does any of you know about it?
Anyway thanks if someone read this super long text. If you have any idea please tell me.
blessings for you all.