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juniperb
Knowflake

Posts: 6830
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Mar 2002

posted August 23, 2003 10:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message
This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious. Read on.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

******************* This is the actual response sent back:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, or supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU RYAN DEVRIES + THE DAM BEAVERS

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Oxychick
Knowflake

Posts: 2626
From: neither here nor there
Registered: Jul 2002

posted August 23, 2003 10:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Oxychick     Edit/Delete Message
Good chuckle, juniperb!

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 25287
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted August 23, 2003 12:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message
Dam!

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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SunShyne
Knowflake

Posts: 579
From:
Registered: May 2003

posted August 23, 2003 01:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunShyne     Edit/Delete Message
Dayam!

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metoo
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: Purple Fields, USA
Registered: Jun 2002

posted August 23, 2003 08:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for metoo     Edit/Delete Message

That is the best thing I've seen in some time. Thank you for making my day!

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Lunargirl
Knowflake

Posts: 1513
From:
Registered: Mar 2003

posted August 24, 2003 02:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lunargirl     Edit/Delete Message
thanx juniperb!

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endaphia
Knowflake

Posts: 295
From: orillia ON CA
Registered: Aug 2001

posted August 24, 2003 02:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for endaphia     Edit/Delete Message
Ooh! I think he got the dam point across.

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proxieme
unregistered
posted August 24, 2003 12:19 PM           Edit/Delete Message

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juniperb
Knowflake

Posts: 6830
From: Blue Star Kachina
Registered: Mar 2002

posted August 24, 2003 12:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for juniperb     Edit/Delete Message
The M-DEQ has an important function, but like all state entities, it goes way to Dam far

I`m trying to get them to declare a piddling 5 acres a wetland but they`re too busy tying funds and minds up with the Dams of this state to get to it!

juniperb

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QueenofSheeba
Knowflake

Posts: 1043
From: California
Registered: Feb 2003

posted August 24, 2003 11:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for QueenofSheeba     Edit/Delete Message
Silly beaurocrats!

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Hello everybody! I used to be QueenofSheeba and then I was Apollo and now I am QueenofSheeba again (and I'm a guy in case you didn't know)!

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jwhop
Knowflake

Posts: 9417
From: Madeira Beach, Florida
Registered: Aug 2001

posted August 25, 2003 01:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for jwhop     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks for giving me my laugh of the day juniperb.

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ally
Knowflake

Posts: 269
From: U.S.
Registered: Jun 2003

posted September 09, 2003 03:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ally     Edit/Delete Message
~I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.~


This part was particularily funny. teehee

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pidaua
Knowflake

Posts: 7314
From: Schweinfurt to Grafenwoehr all within 6 months LOL
Registered: May 2002

posted September 09, 2003 05:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pidaua     Edit/Delete Message
hee hee.....This was too Dam Good!!!!

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1scorp
Knowflake

Posts: 2251
From:
Registered: Feb 2003

posted September 10, 2003 08:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 1scorp     Edit/Delete Message

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