posted April 02, 2004 04:37 PM
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma, Father, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Da
(Variable, depending on gender of applicant)
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends with frequent 24 hour shifts on call with frequent sleepless nights. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments and/or recitals and/or shows in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. Willingness to use spit as a cleaning solvent a plus.
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility, as well as willingness to deal extensively with human waste (volume decreasing after the first few years).
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. Long-term, may include eventual promotion to title "Grandparent", duties revolving primarily around worrying and spoiling young children.
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.
No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered. This job does, however, supply limitless opportunities for personal growth as well as free hugs for life if you play your cards right (although not in public when offspring are between the ages of 10 and 18).