posted July 09, 2004 01:51 PM         

Phrases you wish you could say at work.

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

posted July 09, 2004 02:43 PM         

I like #16:

quote:

---

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

---

You can use that one on me in Global U. if you'd like.

posted July 09, 2004 02:47 PM         

1. Change your own friggin' diaper!
2. Make your own damn lunch!
3. If you don't stop whining, I'm going to wring your little neck!

To that I would like to add Lioneye's #5: I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

#9: It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

and..

#14: I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Of course I would never consider saying any of these things to the sweet young children I care for.

posted July 09, 2004 08:21 PM         

Words can't describe this..."oh, wow, you're an engineer, and you don't know how to turn this light switch on? Okay I'll show you, you're a damn liar!"

"When you first moved in, you didn't have any children, now you have four kids, a sister, a friend and her boyfriend and his grandmother! I'm sure you realize this is a ONE bedroom apartment!"

"It's one am and you called to tell me you locked yourself out, yesterday, and want to know if I can make you a spare key! Right A** hole, let me get out my key grinding machine and do it right now, would you care for a cup of tea!"
And,
#3
#14

posted July 09, 2004 11:05 PM         

"I'm sorry. My crystal ball is in the shop right now."

"Do I have Information Booth tattooed on my forehead?"

"You can ask, doesn't mean I have an answer."

"The receptionist has changed her name, and is not telling anyone what it is now."

***"You don't appreciate my attitude? Well I don't appreciate you being a lazy SOB who expects me to do their job."***

***"After meeting you I understand why your child was shooting up."***

***"You're an adult, supposedly. You may have a disease, but grow the hell up!"***

Starred entries are the only ones that have not actually been said.

posted July 10, 2004 01:18 AM         

I would LOVE to say:

"NO. You can't have more bread, this is your third basket, and you still have appetizers, soup, and an entree coming. And most likely dessert! PIGS!"
__________________________________________
customer: "How much is the Special?"
----------"I'll have another soda - ONLY if
----------it's free refills."
----------"Does it cost extra for a side
----------of sour cream?"
----------"We're just going to stick with
----------water, and we will split a
----------hamburger."
Right there, you know they are leaving you 10%. If youre lucky.
___________________________________________
customer:
"Excuse me Miss can we have our bill?" *looking at you like your an #@@$%^&.*

me "Miss":
"No, I thought I'd just keep your check and pay it myself." or "No, I'm busy so youre gonna have to wait a minute."
___________________________________________
customer: *waving obnoxiously at me* "CAN WE GET THE DRINKS WE ORDERED??!!"

me: "Oh, the ones you just ordered TWO SECONDS AGO!! CAN YOU GIVE THE BARTENDER A SECOND TO MAKE THEM??? YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONES IN THE F-ING RESTAURANT!!!"
___________________________________________
customer: (*acting like a two year old when you take them to their table*):
"Can we sit over there? No, no.....how about there. Somewhere near a window..........but not where it is too bright.......and can you turn the music down and turn the heat up? We're cold. And seat us somewhere quiet.....and NOT a table - a BOOTH......

me:
"NO. YOU WILL SIT HERE AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!!! WE HAVE A LITTLE SYSTEM GOING ON HERE, SO EACH WAITRESS GETS THE SAME AMOUNT OF TABLES. THIS ISNT MUSICAL CHAIRS. LET'S GO! SIT YOUR A** DOWN."
___________________________________________

True story.

Last night I had a party of 4 old people. One of the CRANKY old women ordered the Filet Mignon. I asked her what temperature she likes her Filet. "RARE." she replied. "Well maybe Medium-rare. I like it rare, but not too pink in the middle.....but I want it Rare. It better not be cold in the middle though. Pink - but not too under cooked." she barked in an annoying old lady voice.
Then she says, "Don't stick your finger in it either - to see if it's cold."

WHAT??!!!??

Uh... don't worry Ma'am. I wont touch your food with my "waitress fingers". And how EXACTLY do you want your Filet cooked, you arent making sense!!! Wait. Never mind I can tell youre the type that will complain even if they cook everything perfectly.
___________________________________________

I could go on and on. But that'll do.

Ahhhhh.....that felt good.

If only I could say those things.

posted July 11, 2004 08:22 PM         

To my riding clients:
them:I can't get the horse to go any faster
me: that's because you don't ever listen to me telling you the same damn thing at least 5 times and now the freakin pony has fallen asleep.Or did you not notice she hasn't moved in the past 10 minutes?

them: PLease don't get the whip out and hit the horse with it to make her move faster!
me: the whip isn't for the horse.It's for you.I'd never hit an animal.

AT Pier 1:
cust: Oh my god my stomach hurts...excuse me do you have a restroom?
me: NO.People like you only sh*t all over my toilets and floor and then have the nerve to tell me someone had just sh*t all over the toilet and floor when you leave.So no..we don't have a restroom.When we have to go we **** at the Homegood's next door.Have a nice day *weak smile*

boss: you haven't gotten that finished yet?
me: No.You just told me to do it 10 minutes ago and I have yet to stop finding the amusement in watching you stand there with your thumb up your ass.Really..that look is workin for ya.

boss: well you have been here so long we decided to make you feel appreciated for all you do.Here is a certificate for you.
*hands it to me..it is one of those write in kind that you buy at Office Max.It says..."for being the difference"*
me: being the difference between what and what?Between someone who actually gives a damn such as myself and you..the loafing moron who spends all his time on the phone trying to get dates to **** his boyfriend off.And yet you get a bonus check every 6 months and all I got was a new mop head.Hmmmmmmm..let me rethink this one sparky and I'll get back to ya.

posted July 12, 2004 03:23 AM         

A Gala evening for Goldwell hair products, all tables full, our artists in the dressing room getting ready and their stuff (really heavy hairdressers mirrors, and chairs). Normally the stage hands bring the stuff on. The organiser comes to me and says
"You havent put the stuff on stage yet!!" After a second of quick thinking, I realize she thinks *I'M* gonna do it.
"No, I haven't brought the stuff on stage yet, but if you'll sign right here, I'll be glad to work for you for $100 bucks an hour!"

To the greedy artists: "No, they have given you fifty bucks each for dinner, I'm NOT telling them to put out three bottles of Jack Daniels!"

"No, our artists are NOT going do to an extra 4 hours of work for no pay--please get a head check."

"I do not care HOW you get the money, just do. I do not care WHEN you get the money, as long as it is NOW." (Artists are generally paid in cash before the show--a lot of times the organisers decide 10 mins before the show that they "forgot" it was to be paid cash, and they will pay per Bank transfer, "tomorrow, there are no problems!" ok, right)

And to the boss:
"It must have slipped your notice that I have been on tour for two straight weeks. I'd love to come into work and write my report today, but I have something else that needs to be taken care of right away--sleep!"

I do also appreciate #'s 5, 17 and 21, and I will use them lol.

posted July 12, 2004 02:07 PM         

I am a "lunch lady" at a public middle school. When I get upset with the inner-city trash talk from the ungreatful monsters...uh, I mean, children. Or the constant nasty griping of my co-workers, I simply say loudly enough for all to hear...WHO MOVED THE ROCK????

That usually shuts them up for a few minutes.

posted July 20, 2004 07:29 AM         

Cool thread you started lioneye68!

Here's another one on; 17 Reasons why Alcohol should be served at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

posted July 24, 2004 12:48 AM         

The you let the chicken and the cow out of the bag! LOL

posted July 24, 2004 03:47 AM         

"Umm yeah I'm going to need you to come in on Monday."

"Mmm, Monday's not going to work for me."

Or,

"You've been missing a lot of work lately."

"Well, I wouldn't say I've been missing it!"

posted July 24, 2004 04:01 AM         

I love the beginning of Office Space when that dorky white guy is stuck in traffic, rapping along to the music blaring in his car and...well you know the rest.

Also remember Jennifer Aniston as a waitress in the movie?? That is totally me!!! I worked for Friday's once, when the uniform was that goofy red and white striped shirt and suspenders with a MINIMUM of ten pins on them. It was called your "flair". I apparently wasnt "flairy" enough, I ended up walking out on the job kind of like she did in the movie. (except for the middle finger part)

posted July 24, 2004 11:57 AM         

Everyone in my office has seen it, in fact it's kind of an obsession at my work. We're constantly going around and taking each other's "Swingline" away, and saying "Um, Yeah...We're going to move you to the basement ~ Seems we've got a bit of a rodent problem down there".

posted August 21, 2005 04:53 AM         

Just because the boss likes you, doesn't mean you're less of an idiot. He's an idiot too.