posted November 27, 2004 05:11 PM         

If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is always writing something different -- and often quite hilarious. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits.

I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I'm sick.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr. Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

I will not call the principal "spud head".

Goldfish don't bounce.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

I will never win an emmy.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

I will not re-transmit without the express
permission of Major League Baseball.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

I will not waste chalk.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

I will not instigate revolution.

I will not draw naked ladies in class.

I did not see Elvis.

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".

Garlic gum is not funny.

They are laughing at me, not with me.

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.

I will not encourage others to fly.

I will not fake my way through life.

Tar is not a plaything.

I will not Xerox my butt.

It's potato, not potatoe.

I will not trade pants with others.

I am not a 32 year old woman.

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

I will not drive the principal's car.

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

I will not sell school property.

I will not burp in class.

I will not cut corners.

I will not get very far with this attitude.

I will not belch the National Anthem.

I will not sell land in Florida.

I will not grease the monkey bars.

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

I will not do anything bad ever again.

I will not show off.

I will not sleep through my education.

I am not a dentist.

Spitwads are not free speech.

Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

High explosives and school don't mix.

I will not bribe Principal Skinner.

I will not squeak chalk.

I will finish what I sta

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

posted November 27, 2004 05:27 PM         

"I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call."

"The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee."

I actually have a pair of Ralph Wiggum underwear. And they say, in his words, "I'm special" LOL

posted November 28, 2004 12:42 AM         

Aww, Ralph.

posted November 30, 2004 01:20 AM         

I will not teach others to fly.