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Author Topic:   happy happy happy--guilt guilt guilt!!!
Christinaeavynwarner
Knowflake

Posts: 541
From: USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 06, 2005 04:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Christinaeavynwarner     Edit/Delete Message
Hey you all! I'm sooo happy right now! I just bought a bunch of books online, Gooberz and Venus Trines at Midnight and the Celestine Prophecy! And well...sorry for being sappy, but I love my mommy! I love her so much, but I always feel so...guilty. And kind of sad. she deserves more then she is getting now, you know? I mean, she's got a lot, and she is way better off then she was before, but she should be getting more. And I don't know how to give it to her. I don't even know what I myself want, much less her. I wish I'd stop being so selfish though..I really do. I know you guys don't want to know my whole history, so lets just say I'm ungrateful, and jealous. Little half siblings can make that knife wound fester. And I know that mom can't do anything about giving Ronnie more then she's ever given me, because she has more to give now to a child then she ever had when I was younger, but it still hurts, you know? Like, I've gotten the shorter end of the deal. And sometimes, I try to be good, and to be compassionate and all, but its hard when there's a history of...not anger, because that was before, not now, but pain, and sometimes, the unfairness of it all makes it hard to be kindly. And--crud, I'm rambling again. I'm sorry. But this has made me feel slightly better, just typing it out...sorry for spilling everything...

Christina Eavyn Warner

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5301
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted March 07, 2005 09:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
This place is like a safe soul haven where just placing the words is a panacea to your wounds. Whether they are traditionally defined wounds, or more raw emotion. I feel this too.
Mothers will eternally be this to us as well.... This is a person you owe your lfe to, but not in an IOU sense. Still, she i only a person. I am a mother, and you wouldn't think it when you read some things I spew here. I am a person, who happens to have the pleasure and sometimes numbing job of housing other people.. in my heart and in my life.
I, at the age of 28, have a mother who swings from pure guilt mongering to an open minded friend.... she is there to fix my ills one week and be fantastically generous to my children and myself, and the next week, pull back, with no hug offering and a judgement in her eye. Mothers own the copyrights to guilt. Mothers-in-law come in second. But the in-law part can go elsewhere for a long time with no unhappiness from me.
My kids will complain about me one day too. I will be glad I affect them, and happy they have mouths to spout hard edged words at me. I will lay claim to some ills, no doubt.. while others I know are illusion and perception, and some just invisible.

I wish you moments of clarity mixed in with the crap.

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Bluemoon
Knowflake

Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted March 07, 2005 12:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bluemoon     Edit/Delete Message
Spilling your guts always helps! I just ramble sometimes to clear my mind.....
I have a 22 year old son(Aqua) and a 7 year old daughter (Cap). He is always saying the she gets away with things I never would let him get away with. She needs so much more attention than he ever did.

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