posted April 29, 2005 05:05 PM         

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid
problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? % 0A

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?

posted April 29, 2005 05:34 PM         

Beer Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer products:
1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

posted April 29, 2005 06:25 PM           

Classic.

posted April 29, 2005 06:31 PM           

Hm.

OK, not earth shattering, but:

A Sexy Chick

and

posted April 29, 2005 07:17 PM         

1. Wait for a hot Summer day. (Do not wash in Winter.)

2. Outside, turn on grass sprinkler.

3. When dog finishes playing with sprinkler, give dog big juicy bone to chew on until dog is done drying.

The 12 Step Cat Washing Program

1. First, thoroughly clean the toilet, remove the topmost lid covering the tank of water, and turn off the cold-water hose to the toilet.

2. Next, warm up 4 gallons of water to bath temperature. Flush, and add half the water to the tank.

3. Then, raise both lids, add the rest of the water directly to the toilet bowl, and add an ample amount of shampoo to the water.

4. Find a ball of string and entice the cat into the bathroom.

5.Close the bathroom door, and continue petting the cat.

6. In one swift move, pick up the cat, and drop the cat into the toilet bowl, closing both lids.

7. Jump on top of the toilet lid to prevent the cat from escaping.

8. CAUTION: Avoid placing any of your body parts near the edge of the toilet to avoid flailing claws reaching between the toilet and lid.

9. The cat will self-agitate and generate ample sudsing action. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.)

10. Flush the toilet twice for a quick rinse or 4 times for an effective power rinse cycle, depending on the cat's fur cleaning needs.

11. Clear a path of open doors from the toilet to outside, and then jump off of the lid. CAUTION: Jump away from the bathroom door.

12. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet to the outside. Air dry time: about 20 minutes.

Sincerely,
The Dog

posted April 29, 2005 08:57 PM           

I first saw it in this:
http://teknesia.com/images/EveryTimeYouMasturbateGodKillsAKitten_THUMB.jpg

posted April 29, 2005 10:50 PM         

Get a bendie straw...

Bend it...

Stick the short end into your armpit...

Put the long end in your mouth...

Blow...

It's fun! Kinda tickles and sounds like a fart.

Too funnies in one.

posted April 30, 2005 08:58 AM         

15. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
14. The proctologist called. They found your head.
13. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
12. Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.
11. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
10. I used to have a handle on life . . . but it broke off.
8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8. Guys: Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
7. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody
> > But Me.
6. Heart Attacks . . . God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
5. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
3. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
2. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
1 Hang up and drive!!

posted May 01, 2005 03:42 AM         

And now.....a funny.

posted May 01, 2005 03:46 AM         

Sometimes you just have to blow your stack at those men.....or else they'll never know how you feel.