posted June 23, 2005 06:00 PM         

So, here's the deal.

I have this huge conflict between hapiness and money. As some probably know, I am going through a divorce, although much to my frustration it has yet to legally begin. I have a choice to make that I find to be very conflicting.

My husband and I own a home. We have a great deal of equity in it despite buying it at nothing down because of this hot housing market. If we sell it before May of next year (ie; get divorced now and split up the assets) we have to pay capital gains tax and an interest penalty for getting out of the loan early. This amounts to tens of thousands of dollars. If we wait, we will have neither of those expenses, and stand to walk away with double the money we would get if we sold it now (and that's just assuming standard appreciation on the house, not the 'on-fire' appreciation it's experienced to date).

This would mean staying in the marriage for another year, not married in the true sense of the term, but in the legal sense of the term. My husband, the Taurus/Virgo/Virgo wants to take this option. And from a practical standpoint, it is a good idea. We aren't at each other's throats, we don't fight, we get along like roommates basically, so it's not like a living hell or whatever. But it is of course a bit weird, an uncomfortable situation that I would prefer is done and over with.

Until running the numbers, my plan was to divorce, sell the house, and take my half of the proceeds and move to New Zealand, where I have citizenship (I have dual US/NZ citizenship). I was going to buy a house there, and go back to school to finish my degree in Ancient History, and get a teaching cert. I'm also going to be 35 this year and hold out some hope of still having children, so the sooner I'm out of this relationship, the sooner I can deal with things, move on, and meet someone else, etc...)

There is one other factor in my decision. A few years ago I was diagonosed with cancer. I received treatment and I've been in remission since then, but the prognosis wasn't the greatest - 55% survival rate after 7 years. It's been two thus far.

My concern - if I were to get cancer again, I do not want to have spent my preceeding years living in an area I do not like, in an empty marriage with a person I don't much respect, working at a job that gives me little happiness and satisfaction, with little in my life to inspire me and little support (all of my friends now live far enough away that they are loathe to drive out and see us). BUT, if I DO live past that 7 years, that extra money that we stand to make could make all the difference in what my lifestyle is like once I get to NZ.

I'm just torn and I don't know what to do. Normally I would tell myself, hell, it's only another 11 months, stick it out and reap the rewards. But the whole threat of getting a terminal illness again kinda cranks up the sense or urgency a notch. As it is I've put off going down there month after month because my husband is a foot-dragger and I'm trying to find a solution to everything that is win-win. I was supposed to have already been in NZ at this point, starting school in a few weeks, but in an effort to come up with some solution that makes everyone happy I've allowed the situation to be dragged out to the point where, if we sold the house I wouldn't make it down in time for this semester anyway.

It's like I'm stuck between practicality (some inner voice that's saying, "do the practical thing, go for door #1 and the money") and fulfulling my desire for happiness (the inner voice that says, "you could die, you need to move on and have the freedom to be happy, screw the money, it doesn't matter"). But no matter how we all slice it, money DOES matter - you gotta eat, gotta have a roof over your head, some security, etc....but that all means nothing if you're not happy with the circumstances, situation and direction of your life.

I've been going round and round on this. My Mom thinks I should stick it out because things aren't miserable and the returns will be so good. My best friend thinks I should just go to NZ 'cause that's what will make me happy, and I will have a chunk of cash to go down there w/ if I get divorced now (just 1/2 as much as I could have if I waited). He pointed out that if the cancer came back say, in a few months, I could end up stuck in the situation I'm in now, longer than I'd anticipated.

This is starting to drive me batty - it's like I've been in a holding pattern for a year now (which is when I began to realize I was going to have to get a divorce). I'm so ready to move on, though sure I have some fears and it's always sad to go through a marriage ending. I don't want to be unhappy, and I don't want to be childishly impractical, and I'm just feeling stuck as to what I should do.

I thought maybe y'all could provide some perspective I'm not seeing, some little insight, something that can help me arrive at a decision. I'm usually a decisive person, and if I make a mistake I just try to see the bright side, live w/ the consequences and move on, but I've never been faced with a decision like this with so many varying implications.

posted June 23, 2005 07:09 PM         

These are rudimentary sketch ideas, and I have no idea of they are possible. Just ideas that I would think about if I were in your shoes . . .

Would it be possible to change the paper work for the house so it says that you are both joint business owners? Just take out the "married" part.

What happens in situations where a couple owns a business, file for divorce, but both still want to maintain ownership and operating activities of the business together after the divorce? This would be a good question to ask a divorce lawyer.

Do you have someone designated having Power of Attorney of your assets and decision making for when you are not in a state to make them yourself? I.e., if/when you are in the hospital and can't go to meetings with the lawyers to talk and read over contracts.

Which arrives to: Is it possible to file for divorce, still maintain joint ownership of the house, move out and rent it to someone until the sale of the property? At least there would be cash coming in to pay the mortgage, taxes, insurance, etc. You would be free to go somewhere else and not have to live with your Ex. May be move to NZ, and work on living with a smaller means. Not sure if that last part is possible because everybody's level of comfort and spending habits are different and some people won't make that kind of sacrifice.

And lastly, there has to have been instances where couples have gotten divorced and not been able to sell that piece of property during the process. What happens to it? May be it is possible to do this . . . file for the divorce, put the house on the market, and take your time finding the right buyer at the right time.

Just scrambled thoughts.

posted June 23, 2005 07:53 PM         

It's good to see you here, I've always enjoyed your insights.

OK, here's what I have to say, a woman with a very practical Pluto in Virgo in the 1st, and moon, jupiter and saturn all in Cappy. I haven't read the other responses, because I wanted to give you my thoughts w/o other influence.

Life is short. Happiness is sometimes elusive. Money is the easiest of commodities.

Go be happy. You can always make more money.

Since you will not be destitute if you don't wait out the marriage, etc., then get out. Go fulfill your dreams. Your happiness level will have a direct influence on your body and it's ability to kill off the cancer! I truly believe that unhappiness feeds, fuels, and even creates dis-ease.

That's my advice, but of course, you must follow your own heart. Or your own head.

Whatever choice you make, it will be the right choice.

posted June 24, 2005 11:38 AM         

First, let me say I am so sorry to hear your sad news and your dilema. I hope you'll be okay!!!

posted June 24, 2005 12:17 PM         

I say to get as much financial settlement as possible. Lack of money = stress. Take vacations during this time, visit friends. Use this next year as down time or dead space time. You could enjoy it - no expectations of anything. Don't have to find someone else during this time - you could probably use this alone time. To recover, to pamper yourself.

posted June 24, 2005 06:44 PM         

I think that both Aphrodite and Tril offered excellent advice. In your position I would have three options prioritized like this:

a) If you can separate for a year, while living in NZ and then go through the divorce then that is the best option. You would both be able to glean the biggest possible reward.

b) Can he buy you out partially (which would give you a bit of seed money to continue your education in NZ) then after the sale of the house you will get the other portion of the money?

c) If you MUST be faced with living with him, putting your life on hold and neglecting yourself, then I would leave. Being unhappy, stalling your life and worrying yourself into a frenzy is not worth the money.

Regardless if what we tell ourselves (I lived with my ex for another 8 months before moving out on my own) staying with someone but not being apart of them puts you behind in life. You will feel weird about dating or staying out all night (should you find someone). You still feel loyal to the relationship, yet you know that the relationship is just a shell. In the end, a person can feel hollow, almost fake.