posted August 22, 2005 09:31 AM         

They love fast food, hors-d'oeuvres, snacks, and anything that tastes great right out of the carton. Italian, Mexican, Szechaun Chinese, Indian curry, whatever has enough pepper and spice to bite back will certainly have them coming around for seconds! But serve up something bland and tasteless, and you won't see them for dust.

Taurus: Taureans fall into two categories: the meat-and-potatoes crowd, for those who like the solid, substantial, earthy foods that build the famous, well-padded Taurus physique, and those who are into luxury, sensuality, and richness. Although these folks, too, will want nourishing food and plenty of it, they opt for the calorie-filled packaging and accompaniments.

Rich, creamy sauces are especially favored, as are foods made with real butter and real sugar. Nothing artificial or low-cal for the Bulls who want to pamper themselves. None of them can resist a hot-fudge sundae with all the trimmings or good old American apple pie a la mode. They'll worry about the extra pounds ... well, maybe tomorrow. And then again ... maybe next month.

Gemini: Gemini wants variety. Did I mention a buffet line a minute ago? That's the Gemini epicure's idea of paradise. They'll wander through getting a sample of this, a smidgen of that, put down their first plate and go back for a second one. They may not finish anything. They've got this short attention span, you see. But they'll have tasted it all ... and finagled a recipe for what really appeals to them.

In doing so, they'll have talked over past meals and variations on the theme with the person writing down the list of ingredients, and maybe promised to exchange a few of their own favorites "as soon as they get home." They'll forget, of course. Or get busy. And it may be years before they make the new recipe themselves. If ever. But they've added to their collection. They "have the technology." They'll never be bored. And for Gemini, that's what counts. Besides, they've got other things to do. See ya later.

Cancer: The kitchen is Cancer's favorite room in the house. Most of them are wonderful cooks, because a lavish meal, prepared with heart and soul is one of their best-known ways of showing love. They love feeding others ... and they love being fed. Whatever's wrong in a Cancer's world ... they think food is the answer. It solves all problems, fortifies against all calamities, heals all illness ... perhaps because food is love to these folks. And love itself cures all things.

Perhaps the real secret here, though is the love Cancers put into the meals they serve: the homemade bread, the chicken soup made from scratch, the custard they baked from milk, sugar, and eggs ... using their great-grandmother's family recipe. And unless something they serve will literally make you break out in hives, you'd better eat it, too. Hurt a Cancer cook's feelings and you'll never hear the end of it. Worse, she'll try to feed you again.

Leo: Leos are less apt to be found in the kitchen than at the fanciest, most expensive restaurant in town ... where they can be seen (and admired) in all their designer finery and where other diners can admire the meal they've selected -- and maybe wish they had the taste, wherewithal, or foresight to have arranged such a masterpiece. (You didn't know a simple dining experience could be so dramatic, did you?)

They want the good stuff, the expensive stuff, the stuff of dreams and luxury. What's fit for a king is good enough for a Leo. Champagne, caviar, truffles, pate, smoked oysters, and anything served flambé. Anything that can be imported had better be imported, or Leo will dine elsewhere next time ... where the establishment takes pampering its clientele seriously. And if a Leo ever does prepare a meal for you with his or her own two hands ... it's being done so you'll notice it!! You'd better rave about it for months. Hurt a Leo chef's feelings ... and he's put a Cancer's paltry pouting in the shade once and for all!

Virgo: Save yourself some grief. Let Virgos do the cooking. They like to stay busy and they love to feel they've been of use. They'll fuss, and dice, and measure, and fret over portion amounts, and read the ingredients' labels. (It'll keep them out of your hair for a while!!) And they won't ask you to help with anything because you can't do it well enough to suit them. They're better off doing it themselves, in the first place, like they always do .....

Go ahead ... run. Because after all the fretting about vitamin content, allergic reactions, and fiber ratios ... they'll serve up a meal that tastes like it is the package, like they kept the cardboard and threw away the contents. It'll be nutritious, all natural, whole-grain, sugar-free, salt-free, organically grown, full of tofu, brown rice, and green veggies, and won't have come within 500 miles of any preservatives. And you'll spend the meal being oh-so-grateful they won't let you help with the clean-up ... 'cause you can get to some junk-food before the drive-ins close.

Libra: Leos may think they wrote the book when it comes to great adventures in food. HA!!! The tables set by Libras are among the finest in the world ... not just in terms of yummy nourishment artfully prepared, but meals offered in circumstances magnifique!! Fresh flowers in the centerpiece, candlelight, china in an exquisite Oriental pattern, polished silver, real cloth napkins, soft music for "atmosphere." These are the elements of a dinner-time entrée in the fine and cultured world of a Libra soul.

Add to that great intellectual conversation, a charming companion attentive to your every need, and elegant portions of both main course and desserts-a-deux ... and ooh, la, la. It could make the dinner hour the happiest part of the day. A Libra cook will find a new presentation for your favorite dish so fine you will barely recognize it beneath the loveliness. And when Virgo runs you out of the kitchen with warnings not to return 'til you're called ... go find yourself a Libra. To them the teamwork of preparing a meal ... any meal ... is more than half the fun.

Scorpio: "Food as nourishment" is not a big item in Scorpio's world. But "food as mystery" ... ah, that's something else again!! What is that savory seasoning, that strange, unrecognizable ingredient, the origin of this particular dish? Scorpio will love puzzling over that question. And being such daredevils at heart, you can say, "Here, taste this" with just about anything -- and they will. Risk and reward could be one in the same.

But don't ask one to reveal a secret recipe unless you're prepared to stumble home with a Ginsu knife slipped covertly between your ribs, nudging some tender piece of your innards with each step. To Scorpio, secret knowledge is power ... and as for his sense of humor, well, you just don't want to know. While you'd better heap lavish praise on a Leo chef, you don't want to do that with a Scorpio. He'll wonder if you didn't think he had it in him to produce something edible and fine. This is not a good thought to plant in the mind of someone who reads true crime as a hobby ... unless you can detect the subtle spice of strychnine on that éclair he hands you with a smile.

Sagittarius: If you think Aries is an adventurous diner, you haven't seen Sagittarius in action. Exotic dishes from far away lands are mother's milk to these wanderers on the far horizon. While French, German, and Japanese cuisine will be foreign food to some signs, Sagittarius will be keen to sample Tibetan, Moroccan, Peruvian, Swedish, Latvian, and anything else that hasn't been channeled into the mainstream yet.

Objectively Sagittarius may not believe "you only live once," but he'll certainly eat as if he does. Despite his well-known love of athletics and games, Sagittarius is also known for excess in all things. Food is no exception. So when I say his eyes are often bigger than his stomach ... that's not a toothless metaphor! He will always bring his hearty appetite to the dinner table, however, and regale the guests with well-told stories interlaced with his famous humor. Keep him listed in your address book. He's usually worth the trouble.

Capricorn: This sober, conservative sign is not into frills of any kind. Something economical, plain, and palatable that sticks to the ribs is more than enough to satisfy his appetite. He won't even opt for whipped cream on his slice of pie if it costs an extra nickel. He'd rather have the nickel, thank you, since he's always saving for a rainy day and the rumble of distant thunder is like white noise in his ears.

He'll eat left-overs without complaint ... and keeps the most Spartan cupboard you'll ever see. He buys groceries in bulk and on sale ... and may not know what he's actually accumulating until he gets home and unloads the shopping bags. Price ... and a long shelf-life ... are his considerations. You'll rarely find him in a ritzy restaurant unless he's there as someone's guest ... and when time comes to grab the check, he'll stand well clear so as not to get caught in the crush. For this reason he loves business dinners with Leos ... because they always pick up the tab, and with just a little finesse and fudging he can still write the whole thing off on his taxes.

Aquarius: There is nothing conventional about this sign when it comes to eating habits, tastes, preferred food combinations, or daily schedules. He'll want to eat when he's hungry no matter what the clock says ... and chow down on what he's got a taste for, not just "whatever's around." If you're not sure something really qualifies as food ... or if it should be edible, Aquarius will have a bite and give you an opinion. The guy who came up with chocolate covered ants was either an Aquarius ... or tried the confection out on one.

He also loves gadgets, toys, and clever little appliances. The rotary apple-peeler, the cherry pitter, the gizmo that lets you separate an egg by dropping the yolk in a cup, whatever it is that makes curly-fries -- probably had their origins in the mind of some ingenious Aquarian. He may not actually cook much ... but he'll love playing with the Cuisine-Art. And if he insists that crinkle-cut cucumbers really do taste different, let it go. That's not an argument you're going to win.

Pisces: You may have to remind a Pisces what food is all about. She's usually not focused here in physical reality, so the maintenance of material substance doesn't register with her the way it does with all the other signs. If there were a way to eat with just vitamin pills and fruit juice, she'd opt for that in a minute. Pisces hates the idea of causing pain; her mission in life is to heal that, after all. So at the very least, she'll be a vegetarian, but she'll also fret about the studies that suggest plants, too, react to the pain of "harvesting."