posted August 27, 2005 02:46 PM         

So, I come home from a wonderful experience at Mt. Rainier and find my friend's boyfriend sleeping on my couch... where he had been for the last three days because he left my friend (we'll call her D).

Oh good Goddess, I'm in a pickle!

The day before I left for the mountain with my friends, I had a conversation with D that didn't go very well. She is really stuck in this whole woe is me garbage (I really have a hard time with tolerance for people with this victim mentality... I get mad). She's always complaining about her boyfriend... how he's such a piece of sh*t, never does anything... blah blah blah. I looked up the Department of Social Services website for her and sent her a direct link to the Emergency Grant Application page. This is a grant that everyone in the state is eligible for once a year. I believe it is up to $1500. All she had to do was click the link and she'd be on her way to changing her life and no longer having to complain about it. Naturally, she had about 15 excuses as to why she can't do it right now. "Maybe next week", she tells me.

Then... she starts going off about how she thinks he abuses her children (which I don't believe he does... he spanks more than what I agree with... but the children are not being abused. It is discipline, which is more than she does. She does not discipline the kids at all. You can tell by their treatment of her... No respect there what-so-ever.) Anyhoo... so she's ranting and raving about how he beats her kids, and there's nothing she can do to stop it. Oh my... did I get PI$$ED OFF. I yelled at her. I was pretty harsh. I said something to the effect of, "If you're not going to stop it, then you may as well beat those kids yourself. You are just as much at fault. I can't respect you if you can be a real woman. I'm so p!ssed at you right now, I can't even talk to you.", and I hung up.

Next day, left for the mountain. Came home and found her man on my couch.

Well... now, things have really changed now that he has been staying with us. I have gotten his side of the story... and it's not pretty.

She has become very abusive toward him in the past year. She has attempted to tie him up to cut off his you-know-what... naturally, he didn't allow for any of this to happen. She full on punches him. She really enjoys emasculating him in front of company... mostly because she knows he has more social skills than to allow himself to lose control in front of his friends.

Her drinking is OUT OF CONTROL.

She is completely unwilling to see that she may have created many of their problems herself. It is much easier for her to blame him for everything (right down to blaming him for HER not getting her driver's license until she was 25 years old).

I don't know what to do.

I'm stuck in a terrible spot. She is my friend, but I'm afraid for her to have full custody of her children.

If she's going to spiral downward, they shouldn't have to join her for the trip.

He has asked me if I would testify on his behalf for custody. I have agreed. As have several other people in our circle of friends.

Their children (2 and 4 years old) are at her parent's house ATM. My SIL and I are going to go out there and have a talk with them. I'm hoping we can convince them to keep the kids there until further notice.

Oh... I'm in such a pickle... I don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't spoken with D since I hung up on her. She doesn't know he's been staying with us. I can't, in good conscience, speak with her. I don't know what I would say anyhow.

She's really screwing up her life, and I'm pretty mad at her for it... mostly on her kid's behalf. If she didn't have kids, I wouldn't be in this mess.

Anyhoo... y'all are always good for insightful advice. I'd really appreciate your perceptions of the whole mess.

Yuck. I hate drama.

posted August 27, 2005 03:35 PM         

Some people seek drama, some people have it thrusted upon them. You are of the latter. Whatever you do, don't agonize over doing the right thing. And you'll know what it is, I just know it. And let the pieces fall where they may. What else can you do?

posted August 27, 2005 09:39 PM         

Assault is assault, no matter who perpetrates it. Perhaps D's man should think about reporting it.

What a sad situation.....

posted August 28, 2005 12:32 AM         

Oy!

Thanks for all of your confidence. I really appreciate it.

I'm just so damned worried about those kids. I wish I could just take them and bring them home and love them until this was all better.

This whole thing will work itself out eventually. I'll just have to ride it out.

I'll do the right thing... what ever it is... like it or not. That's what I do. Damned integrity. No fun!

I haven't had this kind of drama since I cut out that nutso Double Scorp lady.

I have to say... I haven't missed it much.

Thanks again for all of your support and confidence. It really means a lot to me.

'Zala,

My longest reply was to you.

D's man (M), my hubby, my sister-in-law, and I all sat and discussed various options from intervention to institutionalization. The problem with most things we see coming up is her unwillingness to accept any personal responsibility. She feels she is justified in everything. If she is not willing to own her mistakes and improve upon them, all help is wasted.

M suggested maybe some sort of psychotherapy camping retreat. I think that's one of the best options we have... but it is only going to work if she chooses to work it.

I don't have a lot of faith that she will. She is quite hystrionic... typically these people think their over dramatization is absolutely justified... therefore, they are absolved of any personal liability. Really, I think its borderline delusional.

We don't want to bring CPS into it. There are plenty of friends and family members that can take care of the children while she works her stuff out. Ideally, M should be caring for his children... but he can't go back to the house because she won't leave it. She won't look for a job. She won't do anything. She is the one that sent her kids to her parents house. Thank Goddess!

Its almost like she thinks she is getting back at him for leaving her by completely refusing to live her life or take care of herself by any means.

I would be willing to put money on the fact that the only thing she has consumed since he left is beer. No food. Probably not even any water.

I don't understand how a person can become so disconnected from themselves. I want to shake her... slap her... yell at her, "WTF is your malfunction?!" But I don't. I won't. Its useless.

Oh... and Pix, she's 26.

Here's her chart. Maybe someone will see something profound.

posted August 28, 2005 01:42 AM         

Thanks for fleshing out some of the dilemma. I agree that intervention and institutionalization will only work if the detainee buys into the program. My ex went thru 3 treatment programs. He played the game, acted like a good little recovering alcoholic, got out and eventually went back out. He actually made it almost a year sober after the 3rd one though……

Your observation ”I would be willing to put money on the fact that the only thing she has consumed since he left is beer. No food. Probably not even any water.” is probably right on the money. And speaking of money, when will she run out of money for beer? Who’s paying the mortgage/rent? When the money’s gone, she’s gonna have to get her beer somehow, how do you think this will play out (here’s an opportunity for reality to come crashing into her foggy world)? Waking up with a hangover, no beer in the house, no money and no one around who loves you or gives a damn is a wonderfully exhilarating drop! She won’t do anything to help herself until she “hits bottom” like that. And "Its almost like she thinks she is getting back at him for leaving her by completely refusing to live her life or take care of herself by any means." Well, she's really only hurting one person here -- herself. You CAN live on beer alone for quite some time, but eventually the body will develop illnessess due to lack of nutrition. That might scare her enough to seek some help. Many people in their 20's still think they're invincible and death or debilitating illness will never happen to them.

And "He has asked me if I would testify on his behalf for custody. I have agreed. As have several other people in our circle of friends." I don't think it would take much legally to prove her an unfit mother if everyone in her circle can testify to her erratic and violent behavior. Then a restraining order would be served on her and she would have to leave their house, and M and the kids could return.

Your comment ”I don't understand how a person can become so disconnected from themselves. I want to shake her... slap her... yell at her, "WTF is your malfunction?!" But I don't. I won't. Its useless.” is depressingly true. You would only rouse her defensive mode and get more unproductive negativity. Your “caring” comes across as an attack on her being.

You note that there are plenty of loving friends and family members who can take temporary custody of the kids, what a great support network D has, if only she knew it. But I fear there isn’t much anyone can do, I doubt that any one of you could actually get thru to her. She’s like the Titanic, she’s hit the iceberg, the water’s coming in and there’s no hope of averting a direct trip to the bottom. I don’t understand how people become insane like this (and alcoholism is a genetic disease – a form of inherited insanity if you will) – it’s a long process that is both psychological and physical. The only way she’ll have a chance (if she lives thru this – sorry to sound harsh, but not all alcoholics make it) is by staying clean and sober and having a guide for her baby-steps in recovery. AA is free, but you first have to admit you have a problem. That is the hardest hurdle. I am speaking from personal experience here. I’ve told parts of my story in SU. One quote that resonated with me from the Big Book is that alcoholics are like tornadoes ripping thru the lives of everyone they know – an apt metaphor.

I see no other recourse except waiting until she asks for help, and giving all the love and attention you can to those two little kids whose worlds are going to be disrupted again…….

I’m sending Love and lots of Courage and Patience with this post, LS. Your strength and caring makes me proud to be able to touch your life in a small way……

posted August 28, 2005 02:59 PM         

You gave me warm fuzzies! My eyes welled up, in a good way.

You're absolutely right. She is going to have to hit rock bottom before she knows she needs help.

Hopefully that won't take too much longer.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. Dad's clean and sober, Mom's on a crash corse to hell. Some people just never wake up. I hope that's not the case with her.

posted August 28, 2005 03:36 PM         

My specialty: fuzzies!!! You're Welcome!
I hope that there is someone in the family or cicle of friends who will put their foot down at those kids going back into D's care. A showdown over the kids will eventually come anyway. Perhaps that would be a wake-up call for D if her folks refuse to return the kids until she gets help and shows some verifiable improvement. If she says she's going to get legal help to get her kids back in her care, let her try! How sad that this young woman is digging her own grave with both hands, as fast as she can. But one way or another, a wake-up call is necessary -- I had one, your Dad must have had one. Those little kids need a mommy, yes, but not a mommy who is sick and violent.

{{love & hugs}}
'Zala

posted September 02, 2005 11:04 PM         

Is M off your couch yet? How are the little ones doing?

posted September 03, 2005 12:15 AM         

That is the last I heard.

I've basically decided to wash my hands of the situation. I've done all I could. If there is a next time (and there probably will be), we will have to make it clear we don't want to be involved.

If we allow him to come back and crash at our place next time, we would be enabling the whole mess (IMO).

Her parents know about what is going on.

It is time for me to bow out. I need to learn from my mistakes and choose more fit friends in the future.