posted January 17, 2006 03:15 PM         

She liked me to tell her how I was gonna chain her ankle to a bed in the basement,
so she could never go out and meet new guys.

"But what if..," she'd always come up with something.
"Nope," I'd say, "you're sh!t outta luck,".

I dont know what pushed her away so fast.
I guess she thought I had gone cold,
when I began to get silent a lot.
But I dont know, maybe it was just getting really serious for me.

I think about her and miss her every day.
I feel like I cant try to contact her, though,
because all she wants to hear is "Okay, I've made up my heart/mind. Let's get married."
Like, anything else would be a waste of her time, if not a dagger in her breast.
God, she was so intense.
I cant imagine anyone ever loving me like that.

I want to call her back.
But I guess thats just selfish.
She makes it sound like torture, loving me.
She thanked me for what I gave her,
in spite of everything.
It sounds so egotistical to say it,
but, I really hope she can forget me.
I still cant admit how well she got to know me in such a short time;
how deeply she understood and responded to the most personal rythms of my heart.

I loved her as one of God's most perfect creations.
But I didnt feel as close to her as I wanted to.
Is this Aquarian?
Am I just incapable of that kind of personal love?

Anyway, I dont know, maybe there's a chance she'll read this.
Maybe she already knows how I feel.

posted January 17, 2006 04:20 PM         

are not in the beyond..

Love is ALL

posted January 17, 2006 06:12 PM         

now heart..I apologize for posting this here especially at this time..but I felt it was fitting...

------------------
Live your life without regret, don't be someone they forget. Your heart is not yours to keep, it's yours to give...

posted January 17, 2006 09:23 PM         

thank you (all).

Rob... I cant say anything.
Just that I'm sorry,
but I thank you for making me feel less alone.

leo on fire -

posted January 17, 2006 11:35 PM         

HSC, she sounded a bit like me.. The exact reason why I stopped contacting virgo.
Eventhough I am not sure if I'll b happy after marraige, the feeling to make a home was very strong.
Sadly living together is not an option in our society.
It might have to do with my urge to 'share' inside a committed relationship. Virgo watched it slightly different. He felt he was committted to me in love. It was not enough for me. So naturally it ended.

posted January 17, 2006 11:40 PM         

I don't think you're incapable, Steve. Please don't think/say that. Perhaps you two just weren't at *exactly* the right time/space juncture to be together.....yet.....

There is still hope.....she didn't say "go away forever".....

posted January 18, 2006 01:12 PM         

See, I am a Pisces Moon in love with a Scorpio who is everything I ever wanted, and the communication is fantastic. But he is "taken" and if I was being "realistic" and "rational", everyone around me would probably advise me to "give up" on him.

Now I have tried dating and I hate it, and besides, I am not in the right place right now. I would prefer to be celibate, and love him (as I have never loved anybody) rather than get into a relationship with someone I didn't really care about just for the sake of it. I am crazy about him, and just knowing he exists makes me feel safe, colours my life. I couldn't walk away from him because I wouldn't have that deep connection anymore.

Maybe your soulmate is not in that place yet, maybe she might need to be able to let you go physically for the time being - but still be there for you spiritually and mentally?

I don't know how much the man I love feels for me, but I have to put myself in his shoes. Maybe your soulmate might need to do the same for you?

There is also nothing wrong in not feeling as excited about people as one had hoped one would. We all have expectations and ideals. However, with a positive attitude anything can be brought to fruition. You maybe need to rationalize exactly why you feel this way, whether it is for practical reasons or otherwise, and be able to discuss these reasons with her, gently. Since you enjoyed such a good connection, I'm not sure of the point of severing it, it only causes pain. Why experience this when you could both simply make up your minds to enjoy each other's company?

I've rambled enough.

posted January 18, 2006 02:26 PM         

sweetlibra -

I hope that works out for you.

"You need to miss her to learn what you really want in life "

You're right. I think maybe what I want is someone who isnt going to swim away at the first sign of turbulence.

'Zala -

I wish I knew you, or someone like you.
I don't think I'm incapable either,
that was just pessimistic talk,
in a moment of weakness.
You're right, time changes things.
I thought my taurus would be patient with me.

They say the 7th shows how you begin a serious relationship,
but the 8th is how you merge on the deeper levels...

She has her Pisces Moon on the Descendent,
but Mars/Venus opposite Pluto in Aries, in the 8th.
I have Jupiter in Leo in the 7th,
but Saturn in Virgo in the 8th.

She started off accepting of everything,
and ended up making impatient emotional demands.
I started off throwing myself into it like it was my salvation,
and ended up withdrawing behind a wall of fear and self-doubt.
I know we both learned something about ourselves.
Maybe next time...

pix -

ariestiger -

I wish we could have kept it, for what it was, as you suggest.
I think she tried for a while,
to settle for somethng less than "Tristan and Isolde",
but it was killing her.
Maybe she did the right thing, I don't know.
But I doubt she'll be back.
I guess I have to admire her for not settling,
and not pretending it could be less than it was.
She walked away, not to sever our connection,
but to guard it, and remember it as it was, forever.
To hear her tell it,
we've left a part of ourselves with each other, and no distance can change that.

But I wonder if, after a certain point,
absence makes the heart grow fainter.
How else could we survive?

"just knowing he exists makes me feel safe, colours my life"

That's beautiful.
You "ramble" beautifully.

posted January 18, 2006 04:51 PM         

I've no doubt there are some similarities,
but you and your Aqua probably knew each other for more than six months, and spent more than one occassion in each other's physical presence (and that, in public!), rather than bonding almost entirely thru emails and over the phone.

When I suggested that these were valid reasons for my uncertainty, she seemed to think (or feel) that I was being harsh and cynical. I do not deny the possibility that her intuition was far more developed than my own, and that I may have lacked vision to see how perfect we were for each other. But, I wish she could have given me time to discover it in my own way. If it was indeed the case, I would have realized it sooner or later.

But, whatever, no hard feelings.
She had Uranus transiting her descendent,
I had Saturn transiting the 7th,
and Neptune squaring my stellium.
Sh!t happens.
Perhaps we'll meet again, if the time is ripe.

posted January 19, 2006 02:29 AM         

I was her in ways, I was you in others

Lessons? I've grown to hate the profane lack of Pure Heart and Soul in that.

In the end is that all we are to each other?
Not a Living, Breathing, Passionate Wealth of Soul given in such tender brave honesty....just a lesson learned in the breeze of time?

No--there was a Purity there...I can feel it from your words so deeply. A Magical Purity, so rare in this World.

"Be patient with the cycles of time"
"take solace in the lessons learned"

things like that sound so trite when your Heart is immersed in that Space. (As true as it is--doesn't matter.)

I felt rebellious against letting go, like it was giving in to the world's apathy and nonchalant attitudes towards the Sacredness of True Love. Its lack of Cherish.

As if, in the moment I did entirely let go, that I would also be sacrificing every Sacred Belief that gave me Faith to begin with in this Forsaken World.

I dunno.
Guess all I'm really trying to say is... .

posted January 19, 2006 03:12 PM         

sweetlibra -

"He didnt get more than one month. Emotionally I felt it was going on since last 5 years.!"

This corresponds to some thoughts I was having. If Maya and I talked, and I showed a little reticence, on maybe just two consecutive occasions, I would get the feeling from her that this had been going on for weeks, and it was a sure sign of the end. Maybe it was that she was just so much more "in it" than I was, or maybe it had something to do with her venus in aires and mine in scorp; like, as if the experience of time was somehow more accelerated in her case. I dont know, is that nuts? I mean, I felt like I needed time, like thats just how my heart works. I needed time, I guess, to allow for all the curious vicissitudes of my heart to have their say. I dont know, maybe its a man/woman thing, and I'm over-analyzing what is essentially (or what ought to be) a very direct emotional experience. Or maybe it really is just a necessary conflict between the intrinsic complexity of the later signs (Scorpio, Aquarius), and the simplicity of the earlier signs (Aries, Taurus).

Lialei -

I know exactly how you feel.
I feel it too.

This tendency to objectify matters of the heart is something that frustrates me to no end, in both myself and others. People think Aquas are unfeeling, but they forget the profound complexity of this sign, only second to last in the zodiac. IMO, Aquas feel things so deeply, that they have no recourse but to repress this emotionality, to bury it in the depths of the unconscious, and escape into the relative safety of the intellect. Either that, or become a Pisces.

So, I look for the lessons. But I deny the grief. I move brusquely, unfeelingly past it, in my haste to find the bright side. Why? Because I can, and you would too, if you were a strongly aquarian male.

But, of course, I know you are right. I had a trip and a half. I touched something, some magickal dream, or brilliant reality. My third eye opened for a while there, and I cant go on pretending for very long that I am unchanged by it. Even w/ natal Saturn in the 8th. And, - you are so right, - God forbid I should try to analyze it now, in the harsh light of day.

She is real to me, but not real enough. I am ashamed to confess it, but, maybe I'm just not that evolved. Even when I think I truly see and appreciate another human being, I just hold on to my personal ego even more tightly than before. Threatened, scared, human. In the words of Kurt Cobain, "I love myself better than you. I know its wrong, so what should I do?"

So what should I do?

This girl put me to shame with how real and vibrant and alive and plugged-in and open and empathetic and incredible she was. I was scared to open up, so she left. I guess thats a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wish to God, though, that she wasnt so quick to confirm my fears. She gave me such a false sense of security. False, because, she made me feel like I could go on testing her love indefinitely. In reality, she gave me about a week.

I hope you can learn to let go. I dont think true faith requires an object, or, rather, true faith is not dogmatically attached to any one person or object, but follows an invisible thread which runs through all things, and is never broken. (But, hey, talk to an Aquarian person, get an Aquarian response.)

posted January 19, 2006 07:00 PM         

Believe me, I do understand the profoundity of the lessons learned. No other relationship has awakened me more in as many ways. My Life...my Whole Way of Being is changed forever for it. It's just the way of thinking of it as a lesson and nothing more that gets to me (which I can see you don't ) There is so much more to such a rare Magick than that.

I did eventually let go. Entirely in a way.
Even so...there was NO way I would or could EVER lose faith in this man.
No matter what he did. No matter how he reacted...how many times he pushed me away or ran scared. No matter the cold things he said. He knew I saw beyond that. He knew I saw beyond all the superficialities right into his Heart's Wishes and Intents beyond words and actions.
It scared him to death that someone could love him like that. Could you imagine?

He once said to me, "I can't love you in the way you want me to."

That's the thing so many people presume.
I Knew that from the start. I didn't need him to love me in the way that I Loved him. Just because I Love that way, doesn't mean I need it in return. Why is that so hard to believe?
I only needed his Love, honestly in whatever way he could give.
I didn't want him to change in anyway for me. All his characteristics just as he naturally was, were WHY I loved him. I could have existed forever with the unspoken knowings of his heart I felt and knew he felt too but couldn't always show.

I don't feel right about saying more...I'll only say that I haven't lost him. This bond will never be broken, no matter what life's script writes for us.
It is entirely Beautifully Pure, and so it survives.
In the ways that it should have from the start. In total gratitude and cherish for it as a Gift just as beautiful as it is and nothing more. No need for control or expectations. Sometimes you have to lose something so devistatingly in order to understand how to Cherish it in that way.

The Cycles of Time are really an Awe to behold.
Can't deny that one either.

posted January 19, 2006 09:43 PM         

Wayfaring Beloved,
how shall I hide it?

No captain...no lighthouse...no shore...

No more denying
Providence, circumstance,
Cruel bright Light
plotted and foiled
our every attempt
to Be Together.
To be Human in each others eyes.

In a secret moment
the Veil was lifted
your Real face taken unaware
shining exposed
under the lamplight glow

and I saw you...

twisted
contorted
vulnerable
cowardly
manipulative
selfish
cruel
prodigal
afraid...

and I loved you more.

Darling, I Loved you even more...

For understanding

For being given the gift of All of you

For realizing my Love was unconditional...unshaken.

Accepting

Enduring.

Adam and Eve after The Fall

trembling naked and exposed
in each other's arms...

metamorphosized from the cocoon

That stark moment of Vulnerability
empowered Us the potential to Love as Gods

There was a choice
a crossroad
Heaven trembled in our arms...

You let go of my hand just then

I wander the wildnerness alone