posted April 27, 2006 08:18 AM         

I am currently trying to build up my self-esteem and confidence from scratch. I have recently been working through some issues that had distorted my perception of reality and had been walking about with a lot of unresolved pain from childhood that I am now coming out the other side of.

In hindsight I realise how twisted a lot of my views were and how this created unbalanced relationships with other people and living in kind of a bubble.

Now I am taking steps to try and become more solid and yep, confident.

Books, web sites, hypnosis CD's etc, just to get a feel for what it is, primary concern being with women I have to confess as a crappy relationship with a suspected Borderline mother dodn't exactly set a good trend here.

What I am looking for is examples of how others percieve themselves, what ladies recognise in a man as solid confidence and how you go about finding you own brand of this.

Strange questions I know, but I wouldn't ask if I thought I was just being silly. Its an odd position to be in.

The things I get told most are "you are too nice", and "you think too much" and suspect I have had had a bit of a "loser's" mentality at times and hidden behind a ntaurally sensitive nature, exacerbated by said childhood trauma.

The basic answer of "just be yourself" doesn't work as I was not quite who I was supposed to be anyway.

Ah yes, the point I keep coming to is that you have "winners" and "losers" in life. I would prefer to be the former, and however subjective that might sound, there are indeed some recognisable traits in each. For instance, self-respect, letting things go that do not work for you, having too much self-pity and being inappropriate in social situations "not having clue" "social klutz" "possesive, cling, etc".

Do I sound confused? I should do...

The reason I am here is that getting help with therapy from the NHS in UK is bloody impossible. They know I need a little, but having seen them first last October, I am now told I have to wait until September this year just for an interview. I can only imagine the distress this causes to those who really really need help. I think its disgraceful, but it means I have to be my own therapist for a bit so am trying to apporach this from a balanced and realistic perspective.

Confusion can take you to very dark places in your own mind, so I strive now for clarity and purpose.

posted April 27, 2006 10:52 AM         

I think it helps also to integrate a few fundamental truths into your thought processes.

1. People don't have to agree with everything you believe. We all find our way in our own time, in our own way. The gracious and generous thing to do is to allow "to each his own", and expect the same back. Don't be personally offended if someone doesn't "get" where you're coming from, and don't disregard opinions that differ from your own either.

2. Don't look for approval from others, as this need can be a bit of a bottomless pit. It also gives others too much influence over your own self esteem (or lack thereof). Seek your own approval, that will have the greatest impact on how you feel about yourself. And be realistic in terms of what to expect from yourself, but do push yourself to acheive personal goals. Have you got a few of those right now?

3. Laugh more. See the divine comedy that life is. Allow yourself to smile and laugh readily and often. People are drawn to positivity. Comedy is all around you...drink it in - it's your right!

This is my presciption for helping you out of your shell, Swerve... and really engaging in life. The stakes aren't as high as you've led yourself to believe. Just relax and be confident in the fact that the universe has put you here intentionally.

posted April 27, 2006 12:32 PM         

*lookit me nattering on*

posted April 27, 2006 01:10 PM         

most of us are confused by what is real. even though we sense there is something more, we attempt to settle for a reality based exclusively on feedback from our physical senses. to reinforce this "reality," we look to what our culture defines as normal, healthy and therefore real.

yet where does Love fit into this scheme of things? wouldn't our lives be more meaningful if we looked to what has no beginning and ending as our reality? only love fits this definition of the eternal. everything else is transitory and therefore meaningless.

Fear always distorts our perception and confuses us as to what is going on. Love is the total absence of fear. Love asks no questions. its natural state is one of extension and expansion, not comparison and measurement. Love, then is really everything that is of value, and fear can offer us nothing because it is nothing.

...as we help ourselves and each other let go of fear, we begin to experience a personal transformation.

Love is Letting Go of fear
by Gerald J. Jampolsky, m.d.

posted April 27, 2006 04:23 PM         

quote:

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Seek your own approval

---

Self-esteem and confidence really do reside in your ability to be proud of yourself. Part of that is knowing yourself, and part of that is proving to yourself over and over again just how great you are.

posted April 27, 2006 04:35 PM         

It sounds real cliche, but to heal the "inner child" really works.

I was "emotionally" abused as a child, told by unknowing adults, "you will never amount to anything, you are useless, you are lazy, no good, imbisil, moron, etc." Allthewhile, even at a young age I knew it was not true, however it made its' mark on my psyche, BIGTIME! And it has taken me most of my 44 years on this earth life to figure this out. So.........I got this big portrait that my grandparents had made of me when I was maybe 5 or 6, hung it on my bedroom wall, (totally does not match the decor of my chamber but I tolerate it) and every night when I retire and every morning when I awake, I look at that little girl, who was so very sensitive and highly psychic, and tell her, you WILL amount to something/someone, you are beautiful, smart, sensitive, etc. and it has worked!

If our parents did us harm or other adults in our lives when we were children, it was because they did not know any different, but it is up to us to heal ourselves!

posted April 27, 2006 04:55 PM         

Which brings me neatly onto what I want to say Its all about acceptance. Once you accept everything u are, everything you aren't naturally melts away.

Whenever I feel a bit funky, I tune in to that funk and feel it. I really go into myself and just feel. Then it begins to feel good.

This might sound abstract but there isnt much to it. I know you want pointers, but then ur just borrowing from another. wherein you want to find your own truth.

I do have one pointer though....'Pulling your own strings' by Dr Wayne Dyer. Very good book. Straight up, no BullShh!!

My brother has just completed the Landmark Course. www.landmarkforum.com http://teamleadership.org/ . He realised he was just sticking to a story about his childhood, when the reality is that his childhood occurred ages ago...so sticking to his traumas, whatever, was just a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for his own life.

Take Care

posted April 28, 2006 09:40 AM         

I especially Like AG's post in the terms of a new practice I can undertake.

It's all about being mindful of your thoughts and feelings at times like this, and being able to accurately evaluate yourself and put new measures in place in which to learn from.

I think I need to start from the bottom, having cleared a lot of crap out of my mind so that I can build on solid foundations this time. Usually I just worked on a couple of things rather than dealing with the roots of it all, so eventually it would come back through other ways of interacting or whatever.

Working with a damaged inner child is so very hard if you are going to do it thoroughly, I am constantly shocked by the memories and feelings that keep surfacing, but then when related to experiences and events thoughout my life I actually am starting to make sense of myself now.

Its hard but worth it.

Thanks for love guys, its very much appreciated and needed.

posted May 01, 2006 09:28 PM         

silvermoon