posted May 12, 2006 11:09 PM         

When you're single, the world is lousy with happy couples. They smile at us from commercials, films, and—as we strive to grin gracefully in return—from the faces of our married and otherwise coupled friends. In the face of this relationship-related bliss, it's easy to find yourself longing for someone to complete your own couple. We're human, and so are blessed with an innate desire to be loved, and to love another. Just don't fall into the old trap of latching on to a someone just to have a somebody. In other words, don't put the relationship before the person. Once the pixie dust settles and you get those distracting stars out of your eyes, you may find yourself paired with someone you never knew you wanted, because, well… you didn't.

How do you know when you're coupling for the sake of coupling? It's not always easy to assess what we really want. Here's an exercise you might try: mentally remove all the social incentives to coupledom—dinner parties, double dates, even discussing him with your friends. Then forget about anything having to do with sex. (Don't panic. It's only an exercise.) Do you still find him attractive? Is this a person with whom you want to share your thoughts, your feelings and your time?

This one is a little simpler: make a list of ten things that you like about him. If you have trouble naming just ten qualities you admire or that intrigue you about him (and, no his killer abs do not count), ask yourself: what is it about being with him that appeals to you? If it's the "being with" part, and not him, it's probably time to reassess your motivations.

The landing of a long-time crush is a special breed of getting what you wish for. And it is fraught with its own kind of disaster. The initial rush is amazing, but it isn't long before the adrenaline rush subsides. When it does, you might find yourself wondering what you've gotten yourself into.

The longer you pine for a person, the more momentum the fantasy gains in your head…and the harder it is for reality to live up to it. It's what psychologists call "the halo effect," and it's a recipe for short-term bliss and long-term let-down. You've spent so long wanting him, your interest has become more of a fact than a living, genuine feeling. That's dangerous, because reality always catches up. If there's no real substance to your connection when it does, it will leave you confused and unsatisfied.

Studies show that single people are happier than people in unsatisfying relationships. And when you rush into a relationship because all messages are telling you you'll be happier when you're hitched, you've all but guaranteed yourself a pairing of the unsatisfactory variety. Take your time. Even aside from the very valid argument that there's a lot to love about being single (your coupled friends may be looking enviously at you), real connections happen naturally. Love has a way of eluding you when you're looking for it, and blowing you—and your best laid plans—away when it's the last thing on your mind."

*edited to include quote marks, this is not my work*

posted May 12, 2006 11:55 PM         

Thanks for that!!!!

posted May 13, 2006 01:28 PM         

Thanks for posting that article
Like you with your offspring, I don't feel as "single" as solos without kids -- and my life is very full right now.....

There are days that go by without me missing the intimacy and joy of a special partner (tho not *that* many ), but I'm not actively seeking "coupledom" -- so the Universe is free to send me whomever I'm due, without me pushing and prodding it along

Solane ~

Yes, I've wondered for awhile too -- what significance DOES your name have??

posted May 13, 2006 03:37 PM         

The Book;

The Star-Borne: A Remembrance for the Awakened Ones, Solara

She talks about Star Child and 11:11, and the door way home!!! The white dove that leads us through the doorway also. Lots of good stuff.

Anyways!!!

Solane the name:

Sol: Music. The fifth tone of an eight-tone majar scale. the tone G

Sol: Roman mythology. the god of the sun, corresponding to the Greek God Helios. the sun

Lane: My Spiritual Path and lessons. My Journey.

posted May 14, 2006 10:49 AM         

That is so creative and seem to fit you perfectly .

I am a single Mom too. Have been divorced a little over a year and never been happier than I am now, living with my daughter, "free at last"...lol... from suffocating family of my ex.

posted May 15, 2006 11:38 AM         

Nice way of putting it.

When I need a quik way to put it, this will do just lovely. Thanks!!!!

posted May 15, 2006 08:11 PM         

Kamilla, I saw your pictures, you are beautiful and full of life. It's tough to find great guys out there who are making the effort at personal growth. It always makes me think of Waiting To Exhale when Whitney Houston character tells her mom, "Yeah Mom, and I MAY have to face the fact that I will be single the rest of my life!" Then she says something about how her mom should be proud that she isn't willing to lay up behind a weak, two-timing loser like the married guy whatzhisname her ma wants her to date.
I'm not looking for perfection, but I am holding out for morals and intelligence.
*sigh*
We feel ya, girlfriend.