posted July 17, 2006 06:43 PM
Aries: Mommy's Little Soldier Your mom hates you because:
Such a brave little one! Always trying to be first. Walking early, talking early! Except for potty training, you pretty much blew through the whole infant-toddler curriculum. Mom was sure she had something special on her hands. But the progress slowed and then just stopped. There are early bloomers and late bloomers, but you, Aries, you peaked as a toddler. Since kindergarten, it's been nothing but big failures and small victories. Your mom hates you because you are a self-important, argumentative failure with nothing to show for it but mediocre ideas, dime-store gumption and a new definition of wasted potential.
Taurus: The Lump Of Child
Your mom hates you because:
You have all the personality of a bowling ball in a potato sack. She thought that there was some sort of everyday magic to creating a child until she had you. Your status as a wet pile of wasted flesh has taught her that children are nothing more than eating, ******** , ******* , and puking machines that slowly gnaw their way through your wallet until you have nothing left to give. But you, Taurus, you have the gift of being a mediocre meat sack piece of **** whose lack of real ambition and inspiration make for a life coarse and heavy enough to grind down even the brightest of spirits. You are a dull, anti-transcendent piece of dirty concrete dropped by the stork because he could no longer stand the weight of your useless flesh dragging him down.
Gemini: The Pompous Little Twit
Your mom hates you because:
To be honest, at first, mom sure was excited by the test scores and fancy words. At first. Later, it became apparent that your only real smarts involve convincing other people that you're intelligent. Which you're not. You're clever. There's a difference. While many thought you motivated by curiosity, mom saw that it was, in fact, a revolting form of masturbatory intellectual vanity.
Cancer: The Vaginal Remora
Your mom hates you because:
With your constant attempts to crawl back in, there's no room for Daddy in the Mommy-hole. Happy birthday, you ******* vaginal remora.
Leo: Mommy's Little Star!
Your mom hates you because:
Of the many long hours she had to sit and try, somehow, to be encouraging while you insisted on "performing" commercials for her. At first she thought you might have a dramatic talent. Which is true, if being a relentless attention vacuum is a talent. Every time mom sees your wretched narcissistic mug, it just makes her think of what else she might have accomplished with all the time and energy she put into you.
Virgo: The Reason Love Is Conditional
Your mom hates you because:
You will never be good enough. At anything. Ever. Even unconditional love has its limits for failure. Your name, Virgo, is spray-painted on that line.
Libra: The Motivation For Birth Control
Your mom hates you because:
I'm not sure, but I ******* hate you because you're a patronizing, passive-aggressive, cheating piece of **** .
Scorpio: God's Revenge On Your Parents
Your mom hates you because:
What's not to hate? Seriously.
Sagittarius: The Bundle Of Joy
Your mom hates you because:
She really, really hoped you would grow out of it.
Capricorn: The Future Tyrant
Your mom hates you because:
While she was holding you in the delivery room, you looked up at her, burped, and said: "Look, ***** , you brought me into this world, and with that comes a few responsibilities. You have to feed, clothe, and house me. Beyond that, do what you want. Nurturing won't be necessary. I can buy better love than yours once I'm out this **** hole, earning. And I am out, too, at 18. You can expect a Mother's Day card once a year and box of whatever **** -chocolate you carry inside those saddlebag thighs on your birthday. Other than that, you get nothing. So let's make this work while we have to."
Aquarius: The Frosted Turd
Your mom hates you because:
She had to endure your constant attempts to distinguish yourself. She knew that your creativity and originality were really nothing more than a pathetic and dishonest way to justify your inability to deal with the real world. She knew you were, at heart, a broken piece in an ugly jigsaw puzzle, and that any attempts to circumvent that fact were really tantamount to frosting a turd.
Pisces: The Compensating Loser
Your mom hates you because:
Your adoration for her is actually just a pathetic veil for your otherwise complete and total failure as a human being. Mom hates you because your devotion DOES NOT and CANNOT outweigh the shame of having you for a child.
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Lindaland
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posted July 17, 2006 06:43 PM
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