posted November 10, 2006 04:48 AM         

Now the flame that burns twice as bright
Burns only half as long
My eyes are growing weary
As I finalize this song...

[DJ MK would like to state for the record she is NOT a tweeker, and has never been a tweeker]

THAT ASIDE:

I am very annoyed with myself. Less than a month ago, I was spontaneously waking up at 6 am to strap on the good ole' business wear for another fun filled 13 hour work day. Now, I stay awake until 3 am, a$$ parked on the couch, at the helm of the laptop, furiously memorizing the verbose descriptions of LUSH products.... WTF?

[Cue up any song by Morrissey, the Smiths, the Cure, et al..]

Its amazing how quickly we revert to old, old habits.

I am a work-aholic. I LIVE for the chaos of restaurants, the bickering, the occasional uber b!tch customer that I must soothe with apologies and free dessert...I miss my staff of 160 lost souls, so fresh and clueless that I have to remind them "No, you can't wear flip flops in the kitchen.. why? so someone doesn't drop 190 degree grease on your pedicure and sue me, that's why!"

I miss having some form of purpose in my daily life!!!! This "vacation" thing SUCKS!

This was my day:

Wake up at 10 am, only because my brother threw the cat on me to get my aforementioned lazy a$$ out of bed.

Listen to talk radio, drink tea, scan thru LL, pace back and forth thru kitchen while arguing with talk radio.

Take a shower, try new hair product, get crazy with eyeliner- because, honestly, why not? Its not like I'm going to a job interview where excessive makeup is going to deem me inappropriate.

Ok- into the car- I am going to DO SOMETHING!
Hey, its sunny! First time in 5 days!! Lets go for a walk downtown, try not to get lost for the 15th time in this damned city!! Cue b!tchin' new driving music-

[goldfrappe, Supernature- yes, its that ditty from a cell phone commercial. Marketing is very effective]

Sans map, I pick out somewhere I would like to check out, and I am on my way! This is my euphemism for "driving around aimlessly and furiously smoking cigarettes."
I decide to stop in at this salon- just to see if I want to get my hair done- and I end up getting a manicure and my brows waxed. I rationalize that this is justified because I have been livng in BFE for 3 years, and its been about 2 years since I have even walked into such a girly place.

Here is where I fully accept that I need help.
This is SO out of character for me, its hard to write it..

I WILLINGLY WENT TO A MALL.

[REM--- "Its the end of the world as we know it.. and I feel fine...]

I bought a Cinnabon. And it was good.

Self-depreciating humor aside~

Yes, I know its Merc Rx. Half the planets in the Milky Way are doing the Scorpio cloak and dagger dance in my 12th house. But the stars suggest, they don't compell... I can't get anything accomplished.

I need to decide soon if I am going to return to the "real world" again- or if I am going to hide back in the woods. I feel morally obligated to give them some notice.
I can't focus on writing cover letters- I just barely summed up the willpower to do the resume.
Getting a job RIGHTTHISSECOND isn't crucial..but... I think I'm bored. Any sane person (read: any non-Virgo person) would probably be happy to just relax, hang out, indulgence themselves- nope, not me.

My mental cogs are stuck stuck stuck in trying to motivate myself, and make the choice..

[Flashback- "Should I Stay or Should I Go"- gotta love the Clash]

I am going to stop the rock and whine right here...if anyone has stuck with me through this whole post, thanks! I think its the longest post I have ever written.

I just needed a wee rant. Any suggestions? hypnotherapy? tough love? boot camp? where is the metaphysical cattle prod I need to get off this soul sucking couch???

DJ MK... over and out...

posted November 10, 2006 08:12 AM         

But I am enjoying it...!!!

Feeling very hermetic....went for a reading with a psychic (maybe you try this)...and she lifted my spirits.

I know I need to get back into my work too, but she said this to me...."you are still in the egg stage and by spring you will be very busy".....she even picked up on what my work is....

So maybe MK you can save yer energy....until the time is right for you to plunge back into the work thing.

You may be needing to take a step back at the moment...havent you been through a lot lately?

My husband is a work work work person too....when he stops he becomes a little nervous, restless and jittery...he is a Virgo. He looks wrecked tired at times but keeps going for the "burn".

MK....I give you permission to take a long bath, have a massage, maybe go for a reading and WAIT till the time is right...

Do you really want to go back to all that mania....?

Maybe not? Well not for the time being hey?

Good luck

posted November 10, 2006 05:08 PM         

I looked at your days activities - I think I would pull my hair out.

At any rate... keep posting. I'm enjoying them.... been some good reading for a couple of days now...

posted November 10, 2006 09:38 PM         

i was just looking at pictures at the LL photo site- you have great, fantastic hair!!! is that natural curl? I am also in the "i really hate my hair stage"..... what do you do to it to get such nice curls??

my, you have alot of scorpio! Lucky you- I have always wanted more scorp than the universe has allotted me. I am glad you enjoy reading my ramblings....

posted November 10, 2006 10:18 PM         

*sigh*

posted November 11, 2006 01:34 AM         

First of all let me say it's nice to see you around lately, your posts are a great pleasure to read.

Sue G touched on this a bit, but I just wanted to add my two cents. I know what it's like to feel underutilized, like you have nothing to do, I recently went through a phase like that in my life. But I now understand why that phase was incredibly important, because it was a time to build energy, to get to know myself, to center. If I didn't have that period of respite I don't think I would have the energy to handle the tide or projects, obligations, and duties that I'm currently involved in.

posted November 11, 2006 04:21 PM         

yes, you are both right. Perhaps i was just looking for "permission" from someone to allow myself to chill out. Its very childish to seek that, but the reasons for me feeling compelled to work work work are also rooted in childhood. (very demanding father.)

I do hit that WALL when I try to work on getting a job. Big, huge China size wall. It makes sense to use this time to store up energy for the future- I really like this idea!
If I am planning on moving here permanently, its going to be a huge drain on me, because of my nervous tendencies. And because I will have to start that new job and "WOW" them, I know that in order to do that, I need LOTS of energy.
and i will have to find my own place to live, move my stuff from 2 different places cross country out here, meet new people, yada yada yada...

maybe my frustration is also that part of me that wants all THAT stuff to just be done- so that I would have MY life going. There is so much stuff i want to do, to be, to BUY now that I am in the real world- i am almost manic with desire to change everything about myself!!!

Thanks so much for your thoughts... it has helped immensely...

posted November 13, 2006 11:17 AM         

Thank you for the hair compliment

It's natural. I don't really do much to it.

I just wash it once a day with shampoo and conditioner for curly hair... nothing expensive (mostly Herbal Essence, Pantene and Loreal). Once washed, I just towel it dry a bit, brush it out, put a little serum throughout, give it a good shake and I'm done. I let it air dry as I have no patience with blow drying.

All of this Scorpio only adds to extra moodiness and introspection

posted November 13, 2006 08:41 PM         

D@mmit.

posted November 13, 2006 08:42 PM         

that's one monstrosity of a run on sentence, isnt it? Cmon, Mercury direct!!!!