posted March 17, 2007 09:55 AM         

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there
were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by
Dr. Mark
MacDonald, San Francisco CA.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had
died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me
to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, Va.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..
"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted
by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up
on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's
very
good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the
taste"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged
lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't
submit
his name.