Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 12, 2007 06:12 PM         

---

Hi All,

I used to post here and I went away for a while, due to being very,very hurt by someone. I know they didn't do it on purpose,but it still hurt.
Anyway, I'd like to clear up any misunderstandings she and I have and resolve things in such a way that we have good feelings about it all . This is one of my favorite people .
In spite of any dysfunction that might have existed,I honestly believe there was also something very special about it all....

Samsara

IP: Logged

Posts: 3291
From: nevada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 12, 2007 06:36 PM         

---

Hello and Welcome back Samsara

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 12, 2007 06:47 PM         

---

Did someone reply to this post???? If they did I can't bring it up. Maybe it just takes time for the site to post it.

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 12, 2007 06:53 PM         

---

Anyway,

If someone posted don't take it the wrong way if I don't reply. I can't read what was posted and I only have 25 mins left for the day on the computer here.It may not show up before then.I can't reply to something if I don't know what it is:-) I'm no that much of a Pisces,lol

IP: Logged

Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted June 12, 2007 07:37 PM         

---

samsara, if you are using Windows Explorer browser, there is a button on the toolbar called "Refresh" -- click that and you will see new posts.....

IP: Logged

Posts: 3944
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted June 13, 2007 03:41 AM         

---

Hi Samsara!

I like your user name, are you a buddhist?

Do you believe in samsara?

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 13, 2007 03:54 PM         

---

Hi Zala and Blue Roamer,

Zala thanks for the advice . I tried it yesterday,but it didn't work.

Blue, I'm not a Buddhist,but I have great respect for Buddhism.I'm not sure I'm completely attached to any religion. I adore hinduism,but I'm not offically one. I see all the great world religions as giant pieces of a puzzle. Each adding a new dimension and carrying it's own truth.The great truth is so vast that no one religion or philosophy cab contain it all. Although the Kabbalah comes close and may even do so symbolically. I seems to be the master code of all wisdom.
My name comes from a book I read a long time ago called,"Snowboarding to Nirvana".In it one of the characters says to the other,"Samsara is Nirvana." and I really liked that. I believe it too.
I don't always see my life as nirvana,but I know I'm in samsara;-)

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 13, 2007 04:59 PM         

---

Anyway, I wish I could re-connect with my friend for a while. Very soon I won't have much time anymore and I won't be able to access the internet very often.
I feel like there isn't any time to waste anymore. No more time for pride or grudges .I only want to spend my time on love and kindness and honesty. I'm going to do my best to give them.And hope to receive them.If I don't, I'll move away. That's the way I'd like to live. I know it's impossibly idealistic,but that's the goal!!!!:-)
But I feel like I've reached a point in my life where i have to use every fiber of my being and make the greatest effort possible to actualize myself. If not now, when?Then time has come to do my best.
So I'm going to be working as much as I possibly can. rushing around living as full and intensely as possible. I hope i can sustain it.
I want to simply give myself over totally to life!!!! Live for now , give what I can and keep moving! That's the goal. Will I make it? Who knows. I'm going to try. The impossible task of not wasting one second of my life. Pretty impossible, no? But how joyful to attempt!
Part of my joy is to set things right, to the best of my ability ,with a person I care about to deeply! A person I know I'll never really know or meet. But nonetheless ,through our letters, has touched me deeply. A charming and generous soul. A forgiving spirit,whose many hard days herself. Someone I was very happy to know ,even in such a limited capacity!
I'll let you in on a secret!Once when I was writting her, I became so happy that I almost couldn't contain myself.An almost disorienting ecstacy.I became aware of a feeling of such total bliss, that in that moment I didn't want anything esle. Not one thing in this universe!!!!I was just enveloped in total happiness!!!! I could have lived in that moment forever!
Isn't that something to be able to say!That's never happened to me before and probably never will again. But what a thing to be able to feel!!!!!!!
If i get the opportunity, I'll try to explain it more in detail.Maybe i can't. But honestly , I wish everyone could have one second of what I felt that day!

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 13, 2007 05:31 PM         

---

I'm running out of time again. I can't even read the posts I put up to edit them. It's soooo frustrating! Oh ,well. I just think it's important that if we have beautiful things to say to people that we do.Even if those people don't believe us. We should tell them anyway. The incredible feeling I described happened moths ago. And maybe i would never have mentioned that to anyone because they might not believe me. But now I know it's better to make a mistake that could make someone happy than to keep it in and not share. So there you have it.
A friend of mine recently passed away and I had so much I wanted to say to him before he did. ABout how much I loved him and how grateful I was for knowing him. But I never got to tell him. We can't wait. we can;t wait for the perfect time or next week or after I feel less angry etc. We have to do it now. He died unexpectedly and now I can't tell him.
I also lost my favorite uncle before i got to see him again . i traveled 3000 and missed him by only a few days.
Even my own Mother died before I ever got the chance to tell the things I needed to.
So how can we wait? I'm never going to play the waiting game again.

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 14, 2007 04:51 PM         

---

No replies huh? LOL. Ok, so I'm on my own again. Gee ,I'm not used to that. That's fine. In the time I have here I'm going to post the things I need to say.
Life's never going to be neat and perfect and working on our clock and I accept that. In the past this would have frustrated me,but now I'm going to be less passive and just say what I want . Even if no one's listening. No more waiting and grudges and mini moves. Waiting is the biggest mistake a human being can make. it's taking life for granted and people for granted and that's a mistake,I promise you.
But here's a quote to her directly," Don't get mad at me if down the road I'm not able to post here regularly. I tried and it wasn't easy for me either. We've both been hurt. I just don't feel I have the luxury of being cautious and shy anymore.I'm fine with your silence ,but don't blame me if I'm not here when you want to break it.If your ok with that than I am too. You know I like you and could never really stay mad at you. But I'm not a person with time on his hands anymore. I'll probably never be that completely free again.I just don't want you comming back at me angry again. becuase here's your chance to say what you want and your not taking it."

IP: Logged

Posts: 238
From: MOther & Father GOd
Registered: Feb 2008

posted June 14, 2007 05:14 PM         

---

Samsara, your posts are very wonderful!
Maybe you could post directly to this person?
Did you have a different user name, before?

Ggod Luck!

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 14, 2007 08:19 PM         

---

Since it looks like I'm going to be the only one on my own post,I guess I'll keep going.
One thing I'd really like to ask my friend is why a particular issue about my "phone bill" still exists.What exactly are they getting out of it. I'm kind of preplexed. I have my theories,but it would be nice to know why. I mean after the last thing that happened on march 6th,I doubt your going to be able to hurt my feelings that bad again,lol. So just tell me the truth. what is it? A game? An amusement for you? Fun.Just a very unusual friendship you want to maintain.Something nicer than those things? I used to be furious about it all, but I'm not anymore. Just confused. It would help me cope better if I knew why:-) You can answer as abstractly as you want ,but make it ball park understandable please!!!!

IP: Logged

Posts: 3844
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005

posted June 15, 2007 05:06 AM         

---

to you, Samsara.

I think that there are many who will empathize with the way you feel; others have had similar experiences. I don't know what it is about the internet- perhaps it has to do with communication problems because we are restricted to just the words here, but I've heard nastiness happens a lot on the internet.....I was looking at The Doors website recently and the band members made an announcement to say they were apalled by the nastiness so much they were no longer going to be involved....anyway, I'm rambling...

I agree with what you say about all the religions being like pieces of a giant puzzle, I totally see it like that too....Kabalah....I have a friend who is very into this....

Nirvana....some say to know Nirvana completely is to cease to be, but is this fact or myth? I wonder.....lol

Anyway, I genuinely hope you feel better soon

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 15, 2007 08:41 PM         

---

I'm sorry to who ever responded to this post,but i can't read the replies. I don't even see the one I put up yesterday.I think I've turned frustration into an art form!!!!
Anyway, I don't know if my friend answered me. She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. Maybe your not ready to talk about this stuff. It just would have been nice for me to know.
You know more about me than anyone I guess and you know everyone in my life.I'm not so sure you know me as well as you think(maybe you do, who knows)but who can blame you. Pisces can even sometimes fly under the scorpio radar, so I understand!We even misunderstand each other. No one gets us ,not even us!!!!!!!!!!
In a very unusual way your a part of my life too. Your almost a part of my family now I guess. You know us all by now!!!! No comments please:-)
Imagine if you were there when i was a kid and we hung around! We would have had so much fun! The laughter alone would have monumental! I know you'd love them all if you ever met them!I'm the misfit youngest kid, the outisder and spoiled brat that everyone ignored! But with mars in leo you can bet i wasn't ignored for long!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I'm just in a good mood today and hope with all my heart you are too!!!!:-)
:-) :-) :-)

IP: Logged

Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted June 16, 2007 08:36 AM         

---

Samsara ~

quote:

---

I'll let you in on a secret!Once when I was writting her, I became so happy that I almost couldn't contain myself.An almost disorienting ecstacy.I became aware of a feeling of such total bliss, that in that moment I didn't want anything esle. Not one thing in this universe!!!!I was just enveloped in total happiness!!!! I could have lived in that moment forever!
Isn't that something to be able to say!That's never happened to me before and probably never will again. But what a thing to be able to feel!!!!!!!

---

I understand that feeling I daresay you’ll feel that bliss again someday, possibly much more often…..

quote:

---

I just think it's important that if we have beautiful things to say to people that we do.Even if those people don't believe us. We should tell them anyway…..it's better to make a mistake that could make someone happy than to keep it in and not share.A friend of mine recently passed away and I had so much I wanted to say to him before he did. ABout how much I loved him and how grateful I was for knowing him. But I never got to tell him. We can't wait. we can;t wait for the perfect time or next week or after I feel less angry etc. We have to do it now. He died unexpectedly and now I can't tell him.

---

I totally agree -- If someone special comes into your life, let them know how special they are to you!! I feel it’s important to strengthen these invisible/ethereal bonds we have with other spirits, and one way is to share our feelings with these concrete (altho inadequate) words. It took me a long time to get to this point of showing love and appreciation, tho. For many years I practiced withholding the words until I was sure the love and appreciation was mutual. One day I thought, why must it be mutual in order to be expressed?? I realized that it wasn’t necessary anymore for everyone to love me back!! I CAN give love and appreciation and have it be unrequited, and it’s NOT a waste of my energy!!

I think our Expectations of the way Life and People **should** be are what gets in the way of feeling that sense of “total happiness”….. yes it’s necessary to have Ideals, but doing a thorough inventory of those Ideals from time to time is a must. Are those Ideals so impossibly high that only a handful of human spirits alive on this Earth now could attain them??

I hope you can contact your friend here again – why don’t you make a topic directly to her so she’ll have a better chance of seeing it??

Zala

IP: Logged

Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted June 16, 2007 09:12 AM         

---

IP: Logged

Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 18, 2007 03:31 PM         

---

Hi All,

Wow, what wonderful people!!!! Lotus your very kind to offer your suggestion,but I think this person knows very well who I am and that this post perttains to them. I just am starting to think that they don't trust me enough to be tell me their true feelings.
I'm actually not a tough person at all. Just the opposite. But one area where I'm tough is emotions. I have mars oppostition moon.So I'm very emotionally tough. This person had already hurt my feelings about as much as they can. So why not just tell me the truth. If they are attached to me for some superficial reason or for reasons that aren't particularly flattering, alright. Just tell me the truth and I'll accept it.
I'm just afraid that they won't ever really tell me why their doing a certain thing. And I really have a right to know.It would help me cope with the stress it brings sometimes. But you can't make people trust you or comply with your wishes.
Eventually I'll just give up and stop asking. But if she's really my friend she should tell me.
Maybe I should just heed John Denver's line, "If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way." . Anyway, not knowing is kind of a block between us. Until I undertsand exactly what's going on I can never fully trust again and give of myself in a more full way.

Hi Zala,

What a wonderful reply!!!! Your a very sweet soul. I intend to just say what I truly feel with people. I'm tired of holding back and being cautious with good things! Why be cautious with things that could put a smile on people's faces? Why be cautious with things that might sooth a place deep in people's hearts? I won't. I'd rather take the risk of being rejected and looking foolish than not say the things i feel.If you have to be so strategic that you weigh every word with a person maybe it;s better to be with someone who really likes you as you. relationships should make you more of who you are not less. That's where i am now in my life. Plus when i say all the things i need to say to people , if things don;t work out I have no regrets because I know I did everything i could. Tried every appeal and every possible way to find a solution. That makes it easier on me and allows me to have peace if things aren't ever resolved and i go on my way.
I'm just disappointed. I had hoped this person would be very direct and open with me about things, but they like to hold back. Why I don't know. They can't possibly hurt my feelings at this point. And as far as what they're doing goes. I have a pretty good idea of what's happening anyway. It's just nicer when you hear the truth from the other party.But on some level I don't think this person will ever trust me enough to be open. But I've trusted them nmany times. And I think I've been very tolerant regarding some things. All I really want is an explanation. A few words of honesty between us . To clear the deck and be honest could be an opportunity to take our friendship to a higher level and heal the past. That's all I wanted from this post.If this never get's healing it will always be a block and a hinderance to me. I could never completely open up again because this is always going to be in the way.
But I do my best. And I know that soon there won't be anything i need to say that won't be said. Then I 'll have some peace. Maybe not total satisfaction but peace.Sometimes giving up and not looking for answers is the answer. But a part of me will never be as completely available to her as it once was. Too many unanswered questions and eventually your soul just falls away. You just can;t give the way you used to anymore. Something inside just dies and it's never the same.But in a way I'm luckier than her because I've done all I can and I know there is nothing more I can do. She can do much more than she is and won't . I couldn't live with that. Not if a person really meant anything to me. So she's either and unbelievably strong person or just doesn't really care. She's the only one that knows the answer to that!!!!

IP: Logged

Posts: 238
From: MOther & Father GOd
Registered: Feb 2008

posted June 18, 2007 03:54 PM         

---

Samsara,

Hi, and thanks! I'm not sure doing this publicly will get her to respond, perhaps
you should have just sent an email, or
phoned her. This post is probably making
her upset, I don't know, just a guess!
I think you are a very LOving caring person,
and that this person means alot to you.
I Hope and Pray, that you both find your
way to understanding, the reasons why all
of this has happened and that you can both
Heal!

LOve and Magic!

IP: Logged