Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted June 30, 2007 01:59 PM         

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Do excuse me as I mourn

It’s amazing how one can be so euphoric one moment, then…so blah the next.

so..

there’s this guy…amazing…and I fell for him so fast it was crazy. I know, I know…detriment venus in aries – happens all the time. But no, this….this was different. It’s hard to explain. This guy is not my type, in fact I’ve never noticed him around. He wasn’t cute – well some girls will think he is, but eh. He seemed so blah and moody, no fun…and looks older than he is.
I don’t understand how this ornery older man got me, but he did. I’d like to know what magic voodoo he used…..but
This was like NOTHING I’ve experienced before, it was euphoric. Cloud 9 is depression compared to this. I was on a high, so very high…with no intention of coming down. It was amazing.

I mean, it was like…. wow!! Before my eyes, he turned from blah to the most beautiful man in the world, what lied within was amazing and so beautiful!! So inner beauty is greater he was, and still is, so beautiful…even his weird evil like face. Everything about him was perfect, even his flaws. Everything…he could do no wrong. I looked up to him as if he were an angel or a greek God, pure perfection.

And THIS…..this is the poison hidden in this stupid aspect. I put this guy on a pedestal so high…he had to fall, he just had to.

So after a while of bliss, pure lovely bliss…something happened………………and in one swoop I was sent crashing down from my high……along with my entire world collapsing around me. It was one of those slow motion moments, like “is his really happening?”
frozen….just couldn’t move. It was like, my beautiful world, and this beautiful person…I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything? How is this happening?
I just don’t understand… this has never happened before. I’ve fallen from highs plenty – I’m a damn Piscean, it’s nothing to me - but never has this left me feeling dead inside.

Anyway this was last night, he didn’t understand…I couldn’t explain…because I didn’t understand. I was just angry, how could he take this away from me? how could he make me so happy, then destroy me so completely. This was his fault, why isn’t he perfect.

And again STUPID Venus square Neptune.

I didn’t really want him to be perfect.

So, this morning I got up all hazy….and it hit…what happened last night. it hurt so much….so so much. The world had died, and I was left alone to mourn it. Normally when I break up with someone, I play denial…but not this time. Been sleeping and lying in bed all day…can’t even eat, and that’s pretty much how my Saturday’s been going.

And I cried!!! omg I never cry…I’m emotionally crippled. But I broke down and cried…until I fell asleep. Even as I type, I hold my head from time to time. It’s like he stripped away all my defences, the old me died last night – and I don’t recognise what’s left……but it’s not his fault, it’s not. It’s not his fault he couldn’t live up to my expectations, it’s not his fault I don’t love him anymore, and I don’t want to talk to him. He didn’t shatter my world, I did. My love for him was not unconditional…..I refused to forgive him for being human. And you know what the most horrible thing is? I think his love for me is unconditional.
In my defence, it was not a conscious choice. I didn’t decide to stop loving him, it just……stopped…and so did my world. I now know what true depression is.
I still have some love left, but it’s just residue. But considering I loved him so much, it’s a whole lot of residue.

I just can’t get over how someone could fall so high from grace. This love was so deep, so so deep…I was so happy, he made me so happy……this was like nothing I’ve ever experienced ever! It was almost spiritual, too pure for humans. not that it was blah lets hold hands and talk – it was physical too. But there were times I thought “I can sit and talk and stare at him for eternity”…..how pathetic is that? That is SO not me……but it was beautiful..
and now it’s gone, along with everything else. I have nothing left emotionally.

Sorry to smear my misery all over this place, but my mum’s off on holiday…and she’s the only person I can talk to…apart from LL. Weird but true

btw I don’t know what his sign it. I asked him not to tell me...I’m less curious now, but there’s prob a lot of karma involved chart-wise. he’s sweet, but right now angry and confused. Don’t think I want to know what he’ll do if I told him I don’t love you anymore……I get the feeling he’s very much destroyed emotionally…or maybe it’s just anger.

Excuse my horrific grammar.

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Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted June 30, 2007 02:09 PM         

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{{{ BIG HUGS }}} for my favorite mermaid
I'm sad for your loss..... is it really truly over tho??

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted June 30, 2007 02:53 PM         

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oh zala I think it is. I still kind of want him, but it wouldn't be fair to him, it would give him false hope.

btw I make him sound like he's 100years old!! he's in his early 30s.

ahhh also! anyone around 10years older than me will automatically have their Pluto opp my Venus

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Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted June 30, 2007 03:57 PM         

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Hi Aqua,

Wow, what an intense post! Any venus/pluto stuff in your chart?
Anyway, what did this person do to merrit this kind of reaction? sounds pretty bad.
But as you pointed out ,when we idealize people it's really setting ourselves up for trouble. Nobodies perfect and people will disappoint us.Guarenteed!
Maybe it's better that you got disillusioned at this stage of you relationship than when it was more tangible or advacned.
Plus let's be honest. Even though we tend to down play the physical in romance here at LL. It' is important . And if this isn't your type ,that's a pretty bad sign. Please forgive me ,but the way you describe him make him sound like a real dog. At least in your eyes. Why would you want to bend the rules of your own heart so much for some guy.In fact you should tell him how unattractive you find him. That would probably alienate him and make him feel like a nothing. If you did that he'd proabablyt never forget it and maybe he'd never believe you liked him after that .Tell him how you feel, then you'll plant a seed in the back of his mind and that he'll never quite be able to erase . I'd tell him this stuff. Let him know how you feel. Then you two will be even!
Although he might not be as easy to hurt as he used to be,who knows. Who cares really, right!
If he had some inner light that attracted you,fine. But that nay be more tha basis for a firendship. or mentoring realtionship.
My suggestion is that you get yourself some good food and good movies and get feeling better. Then start out looking for guys your really attracted to. I don't know what your type is. Wether it's robert redford or vin diesel or whoever. But go after what you want!!! Find a guy that makes you weak in the kness and thet you ARE really attracted to. Why waste your time. If this guy is some old, homely ,boring guy. Then the answer is find a gorgeous, young exciting one.Find a real HUNK! If that's what you really want and let yourself be happy for once.
Anyway, I'm a student of astrology and venus /neptune can be a very diffivult aspect. It's good for the arts and can make you a good poet or dancer. It can make women have a dreamy beautiful quality. But they get too confused about romance. They don;t really know what they want and like fantasy more than reality sometimes. Venus /neptune can be very self sacrificing context of realtionship or feel marty red. Venus/neptune can also be a love of great beauty. So you might need more beautiful men to live up to your needs romanticvally. .Maybe you need the grounding of physical attraction to help you escape the other wordly neptune stuff. becausee at least if the guy looks good or is a hunk, that's real and you can depend on that.That will be always true and real ,not an opion or illusion. And leave the homley boring ones to someone else.

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted June 30, 2007 04:46 PM         

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Hi samsara!
No venus pluto aspect, but they do oppose by sign. What did he do? well it’s pretty bad, and it hurt like hell – I would tell you, and some other people, but then there are those who I don’t want reading this – I hope you understand.

quote:

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Plus let's be honest. Even though we tend to down play the physical in romance here at LL. It' is important . And if this isn't your type ,that's a pretty bad sign. Please forgive me ,but the way you describe him make him sound like a real dog. At least in your eyes. Why would you want to bend the rules of your own heart so much for some guy.In fact you should tell him how unattractive you find him. That would probably alienate him and make him feel like a nothing. If you did that he'd proabablyt never forget it and maybe he'd never believe you liked him after that .Tell him how you feel, then you'll plant a seed in the back of his mind and that he'll never quite be able to erase . I'd tell him this stuff. Let him know how you feel. Then you two will be even!

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omg are we twins? you think just like me!
I would SO do that had it been some other guy, but I don’t know. I think he’s hurting, but it’s never enough!
Oh!! Oh btw about telling him he’s unattractive, while we were together some people would comment on why I’m with him, even his friends! In front of him!! He does consider himself ugly, which is weird, he’s not. He is handsome, in his own weird way. But normally I go for guys that make me think “omg you’re so gorgeous!!”

quote:

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Find a guy that makes you weak in the kness and thet you ARE really attracted to. Why waste your time. If this guy is some old, homely ,boring guy. Then the answer is find a gorgeous, young exciting one.Find a real HUNK! If that's what you really want and let yourself be happy for once.

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I know exactly what you mean. I was speaking to a friend the other day saying, why date someone you’re not attracted to? But I am attracted to this guy, but it’s the inside that got me feeling this way, and I’m finding it difficult to stop. Of course now, if he touches me, I feel horrible : ( compared to how I felt before, it’s deeply depressing.

I dodged a bullet with this aspect, as I’m no martyr, but I do sacrifice a lot in relationships, I even considered to look over this - I NEVER do that - but I couldn’t. what he did contradicted his personality and broke my heart.
Looking at it from a different way, this aspect helped me leave him.

quote:

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And leave the homley boring ones to someone else.

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lol
thanks hun! I've started eating, even tho it's almost 10pm!

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 01, 2007 02:42 PM         

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I was curious/bored, so I decided to check his chart. To see if there were any warning signs synastry-wise. Anyway..

He’s a Leo with Sag Sun!!

NEVER in my life would I have guessed that! I know like a bazillion Leos, and none act like him – he seems like a Taurus or Capricorn. Although if he were born after 9:30pm, his Moon would be Capricorn…squaring my Mars – but conj my SN.

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Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted July 01, 2007 02:48 PM         

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quote:

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He’s a Leo with Sag Sun!!

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What???

quote:

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I was speaking to a friend the other day saying, why date someone you’re not attracted to? But I am attracted to this guy, but it’s the inside that got me feeling this way, and I’m finding it difficult to stop.

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Thereby proving that physical beauty is 1) only skin-deep, and/or 2) in the eye of the beholder

Whereas real "beauty" is found within and lasts when physical beauty departs with age.....

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 01, 2007 03:00 PM         

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Here are our tight “bad” aspects…my planets first.

Venus opp Pluto (3°55)
Mars squ Saturn (1°37)
Mars opp Pluto (0°08)
Pluto squ Mercury (1°37)
Pluto opp Mars (0°44)
ASC squ Saturn (1°36)
ASC opp Pluto (0°09)

Does his Sun & Moon surprise you zala? it did me! I can spot a Leo a mile away…but this guy (????) but he has the strong facial bone structure you find in fixed signs...I often found myself staring at his face thinking, could he be a Taurus? Aquarius?

It's funny cause, in a way he did show me inner beauty is true beauty he changed me zala, maybe for the better in a certain way!

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Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted July 01, 2007 03:35 PM         

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(She was scratching her head at Leo with Sag SUN)

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 01, 2007 03:58 PM         

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lol sorry about that! Leo Sun, Sag Moon

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Posts: 3844
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005

posted July 01, 2007 04:09 PM         

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Hmmm.....The euphoric roller-coaster feelings you have been experiencing sound to me like the 'tomfoolery' of the brain chemistry

It sounds as if you became so deeply infatuated with him that this pushed euphoria so high and off balance that it had to come down again at some point. Did you feel sort of intoxicated at the time?

I think the best bet is to have a touch of cynicism at first- don't expect too much but allow yourselves to get to know each other slowly. This way, chances are you'll build a strong foundation and love that will last.

In any case, I do hope you feel better soon

LOL. Listen to me, 'the voice of experience'

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 01, 2007 04:28 PM         

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I did feel intoxicated! Non-stop for a long time…I look back now, it felt unreal....like I dreamt the whole thing I now realise I had to fall, no one can stay up there forever. Of course at the time, I felt invincible…like I was on drugs.

Patience is not a virtue I possess unfortunately however it is something I know I must learn…would save a lot of heartache. Thanks hun, I am feeling better. I saw him this morning, and it was very awkward…but the pain is less…tho gloom still floats around my head.

quote:

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LOL. Listen to me, 'the voice of experience'

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lol will do that

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Posts: 3844
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005

posted July 01, 2007 05:08 PM         

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I was just making fun of myself, going on as if I am the voice of experience!

I guess I could relate to what you said. Maybe my Moon Conjunct Pluto It's quite an aspect I have to live with and put up with- quite strong emotions! But then, every negative has its polar opposite......

(I've been harping on about constantly over the last few days!)

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 02, 2007 02:01 AM         

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I had not realised it would be so hard to cope without someone...it’s easier to handle this when lying bed.

I know you were being tongue in cheek LTT

“I guess I could relate to what you said. Maybe my Moon Conjunct Pluto
It's quite an aspect I have to live with and put up with- quite strong emotions! But then, every negative has its polar opposite......”
I’m a firm believer of that! Everything must balance...my Libra mama raised me well!!

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Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted July 07, 2007 08:00 PM         

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Hi Aqua,

There is a person in my life I have to let go of. That I will let go of.
Just recently this person helped me understand how cruel and hypocritical they are. This is one of the most dishonest and selfish human beings i've ever known. They have for over seven years invaded my privacy and reacted at times in an abusive and unethical fashion.
Why I put up with this so long I'll never know. Why I had any regard for them i still don't understand. I currently have no respect for them and have run out of patience.
She seems to see me as a person that is a "victim". Well, I've decided that's no longer the case. I refuse to be a victim anymore.
This person recently got upset with me regarding informnation she received by doing something dishonest. And in addition to invading my privacy they actually had the nerve to get upset.
Have they ever looked at themselves? Their own behavior? I doubt it. Not much conscience there. Or real honesty abou their ethics, if they have any at all.
This person invaded my privacy recently when I spoke to my uncle for the last time. A man I loved ,whose pressence I revered my whole life. She felt she had the right to take that from me. Without a hint of conscinece or concern this person stole that moment from me. She should feel guilty or bad or have some remorse ,but I've seen evidence of none. To take something so precious from someone. To steal the sacred moment of goodbye from two people who have known each other all their lives shows a lack of love and caring for others beyond my ability to understand.
It isn't a game anymore when you realize she's willing to do that. It's the most heartless thing that's ever been done to me. One of the most I can imagine.I realize I'm dealing with someone who doesn't care about me at all.Not even in the most basic human level.There was never even a mention of sorrow about my loss.do I have to paint the picture any clearer?
In fact ,one of the reasons I'm moving back to my home town is that I want to be able to communicate with my family directly and not have to use communication devices. Because I think she would be willing to steal the last conversations with my loved ones there too. I don't think she'd hesitate a second.
How can you have such a person as a friend? or any other kind of relationship? The answer is you can't. Despite how I feel about her sometimes on principle alone I can never be this person's friend or anything else now.if she doesn't understand this then I pity her human side has been so reduced as to be a tragedy.
Do I despise her now? I try not to. I pray for her really. I pray that she'll get help and go to therapy and heal herself. Then maybe she can leave me alone. Because that's the only thing she can do for me now. The only thing I want of her .

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 09, 2007 11:42 AM         

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samsara my condolences I don’t understand why the universe puts these people into our lives. This person seems foul, how difficult must it have been to put up with her.
When someone loves you, they don’t treat you badly…it’s as simple as that. And you are right to cut this person out of your life – altho I don’t want to be a hypocrite, as I know that’s easier said than done - I myself am still moping around. But you seem to be on the right path
I'm sorry for your loss, and the extra anguish you had to go through.
At least you now know her true colours. A malicious person can not hide behind a facade for too long…somehow they give themselves away. And I suppose it’s a blessing they do, even if it hurts us

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Posts: 1976
From: Arizona
Registered: Jul 2006

posted July 09, 2007 07:23 PM         

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{{{Huggs}}} I understand your situation all to well, sometimes there such a thing as feeling just 'too' good about someone to quickly. It consumes you inside and out and shakes the essence of your very being, and then when you least expect it your left with a deep empty sorrow within. Damn that aspect Venus square Neptune, it needs to be banished !

------------------
Sun in Libra
Moon in Cancer
Jupiter in Cancer
Venus in Virgo
Mars in Cancer
Ascendant in Cancer

I "FEEL" therefor I am

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Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007

posted July 09, 2007 10:49 PM         

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Hi Aqua,

I feel pretty bad about what I posted actually. I realize that my true motives were just to hurt someone. Not to make a point or heal the situation I spoke of.
Sometimes I get frustrated in my own life and take it out on other people. I have a right to adress this issue ,but not that way. It wasn't a very loving attempt to handle things.
And love is needed desperately here. I don't like what she's doing ,but i don't have to attack her . When I think of how this whole thing started and where it's gone and what it's become. I feel pretty sad.
I don't really know why she does what she does. I know it's wrong and i can judge that,but not her. Only God know the suffering and pains of other. Only God can judge ir read thier heart. He sees 360%,but I don't. The actions are undeniably wrong. But I can't judge the person. No one know the exact nature of another persons hurt and why they do what they do. I do believe there is more pain in the world than wickedness. And that most bad behavior is motivated by suffering. I've prayed for hers to heal.
This whole thing seems to have gone one so long. And there have been so many twists and turns . So much confusion and misundertanding and frustration. There is much about this person I like ,even love, but she may never know how much all this has cost me. How much hurt and frustration. I've lost the only thing I had in my life. My words and my ability to share them with the people I love. I really didn't have anything esle. Life has afforded me so few pleasures besides this. To lose it has been catastrophic for me.
But I also want this person to know that they have done good for me too. Before I became aware of her, a great part of me was dead. After a great loss in childhood, a part of me died. A part of me that I never believed I'd find again. Then I became aware of an extraordinary person. A person who was so different from me, so bold and courageous and free. That I stood in wonder. Like the first time you see the grand canyon , you can't believe it's real. That wasa my first reaction to her. She couldn't be real I thought. But as I began to learn about her , a part of me began to come back ot life. A part of me wanted to live again. Simply because of this persons pressence. How marvelous! How miraculous that another person could have such an effect on me. At a time when I felt my hold on life slipping and my soul withering. She brought me back to life, somehow. Just knowing that she existed saved a part of me from dying. Sometimes I forget this . In my anger and pain. Sometimes I forget how she ,just by being alive brought me back to life.
Years later we met in a very unusual way. Maybe in an inappropriate way. But after I had made a really unforgivable mistake. The type of mistake that you can never reverse. That no one would tolerate. She did. With an almost superhuman kindness she still offered her friendship. Sometimes i forget these things.That when I go tto know her she was so much more beautiful a soul than I dared dream. How many people in this life exceed our expectations? She did for me then.Can you imagine?
Maybe fate has pulled us so far apart that the only hope is of a gentle goodbye.I htink so. But if we could only rememeber the good we showed each other once. If I could remeeber the way she saved my life and she could remember the way I helped her or healed her once. Then maybe we could remebmber that we were born to be friends. Even if that friendship can't last in this broken wolrd. It did once. And I believe there were some very beutiful things about our knowing each other. mAybe if we remembere this we can treat each other with the lovong gentleness we each deserve. MAybe of we have faith that if our paths part we will still have some moments of true spritual connection that even this world can't mar or turn ugly.
She has mentioned so many times a wish fo runconditional love. If there are two people in this world in need for that, it has ot be us. Can't we give this to each other somehow? I'm not sure I know what unconditional love is. I don't think it;s letting peoeple do whatever they want. Maybe it's loving them not matter what they do. It doesn't mean you don;t tell them when they hurt you, you have to do that. But maybe you don't let them turn you away from loving them.And that love shines like a lamp in their life. It shines as am example for,them. And shows them that even in the dark places, even when they don't love themselves,there is still someone in this world that does.

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 11, 2007 09:55 AM         

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librasc7 yes, it must be banishes dame it! I'm convinced it's a karmic lesson - or karmic revenge as I've treated so many boys badly back when *sigh*
thanks for the hug

Sams don't be down!!
oh man, we're in the same boat aren't we? not quite over the past, not in the present...just dangling in between
this girl doesnt seem so bad now :/
maybe there's not enough communication, perhaps friendship is better. Some people, no matter how much you love them, get on your damn nerves after spending too much time together - like when people break up after moving in with each other. Maybe all you need is space?

"Maybe it's loving them not matter what they do. It doesn't mean you don;t tell them when they hurt you, you have to do that. But maybe you don't let them turn you away from loving them.And that love shines like a lamp in their life. It shines as am example for,them. And shows them that even in the dark places, even when they don't love themselves,there is still someone in this world that does."

that's beautiful! such a lovey description

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 11, 2007 09:58 AM         

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In case anyone's curious about what this guy did - I'll tell you what he didn't do

He's didn't lie, cheat, steal...and he's not gay

Just to make it clearer.

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Posts: 2447
From: Kyiv, Ukraine
Registered: Dec 2003

posted July 11, 2007 11:01 AM         

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quote:

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He's didn't lie, cheat, steal...and he's not gay

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Sounds like a perfect guy to me

Cheer up sweety this too shall pass

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Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006

posted July 11, 2007 01:20 PM         

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Peri he’s got you under his charms and you haven’t even met him! he is lovely
ugh you should have seen the girls flock to his rescue after we broke up At least he’s not bitter in trying to make me jealous ...bless him

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