posted September 23, 2007 08:43 PM         

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

posted September 23, 2007 09:18 PM         

Thank you!!!

*oh, you may want to edit your post as each rule is listed a second time...

posted September 23, 2007 09:38 PM         

quote:

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Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

---

posted September 24, 2007 02:01 AM         

I also like this one:

quote:

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New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

---

posted September 24, 2007 08:31 AM         

Just too funny!!!

posted September 24, 2007 01:42 PM         

I was a little offended, about a week ago, he did a show and one of the New Rules was, "[stop sending me emails asking me to talk about the evidence for controlled demolition of the Twin Towers]," and suggested that the people who do so are morons because they cant see that the buildings were hit by planes. I dont know exactly what he said, but it was something like that. Basically, dismissing without a hearing the independent research and investigations counducted into 9/11 by highly trained professional chemists and demolition experts, as well as the eye witness accounts. According to Bill, these people are just morons.

Although I agree with a lot of his political views, Bill Maher has always rubbed me the wrong way. He is, without a doubt, the most smug man in showbusiness, and maybe in the world. I half expect to see his picture next to "smug" in the dictionary. It's almost eerie how perfectly he epitomizes the meaning of that word. I swear, it makes me a little sick to my stomach every time I see him smile benignly with his eyes closed, shaking his head and waving away any views other than his own as if they were the most absurd propositions ever put forward by a person over the age of three. Then he proceeds to talk to everyone like they really are rambunctious three-year-olds, while he is some eminently reasonable, omniscient, foppish monarch from the sixteenth century, whose sole mission it is to set everyone straight on the gospel according to Maher. Really, its a little disgusting. If he could see himself the way I see him, just once, I think he'd be absolutely horrified. He's a twit. Sure, he's kind of funny, occassionally insightful, and on the right side of the issues. But he's the kind of guy you are embarrassed to have on your team, and every time he opens his mouth you just want to smack that pompous, self-righteous expression off his stupid mug.

Sorry, had to get that out.

posted September 24, 2007 01:56 PM         

Bill Maher:

Mars in Sag Square Jupiter/Pluto in Leo
Mars Square Venus (exact)
Venus op Jupiter/Pluto
Sun in Aquarius op Uranus (exact)
Sun Square Moon in Taurus
Sun Square Neptune (exact)
Sun inconjunct Jupiter
Moon Square Uranus
Moon op Neptune

I've noticed the know-it-all shadow to be prevalent in four signs: Taurus, Leo, Sagittarius, and Virgo (maybe Pisces). He's got poorly-aspected planets in the first three of these. That Jupiter/Pluto in Leo is a terror, especially squaring Mars in Sag. And the hard aspects to Neptune would certainly account even further for his delusions. I dont like that his Sun is exactly conjunct my Moon. Not one bit.

posted September 24, 2007 05:52 PM         

quote:

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for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

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this guys humour is great mostly because he uses a strong dose of real irritabililty to make fun.

-kyle

posted September 25, 2007 12:42 AM         

LOL

posted September 25, 2007 12:43 AM         

His comedy is along the lines of George Carlin and Bill Hicks yet each of them have different ways of presenting it. Had in the case of Bill Hicks who died of cancer at a young age.

I saw that Real Time show that you spoke of here, HSC where Maher said that about those who question the events of 9/11 including all those specialists who have investigated and tested the iron work of the towers etc. I didn't like what he said about that either.

I don't always agree with Bill Maher's opinions on things. Sometimes he goes too far. But Bill Hicks often went too far and didn't care who he offended either.

It's part of that type of comedy that is political satire, irony and sarcasm based on what is going on in society and the government. You are bound to offend someone.

posted September 26, 2007 10:46 PM         

Lia,

Yeah, I'm not his biggest fan.

posted September 26, 2007 11:48 PM         

Have also heard Bill Maher talk about religion many times before.