posted October 12, 2007 08:16 PM         

Linda Goodman - Can You Hear Me?

In my not-too-long-not-too-short life so far, I have learnt two important truths. This sudden urge for introspection is quite unusual and I am sure it will soon subside. At least, let us hope so. Anyway, back to what I was saying -- the two truths are: there is a God; and (b) God has a twisted, warped and annoying sense of humor.
You may ask how and why I came upon these 'truths' and whether I have any proof. I am glad you asked because I have it all figured out. My path to discovering these truths can be traced all the way back to a fateful summer day in 1985. And to a fateful decision -- I will never marry a Virgo.

It was June 1985 and I took this decision after duly considering all the pros and cons of such a drastic step. I was old enough, intelligent and well informed to make this decision. After all, I was 18 years and 10 months old and had read Linda Goodman's Sun Signs from cover to cover God knows how many times!

At the time I was about to enter the final year of my undergraduate degree in electrical engineering at Osmania University, Hyderabad. However I did not see any reason to postpone this inevitable conclusion till I graduated. Ms. Goodman's testimony on Virgos in general and Virgo women in particular was quite clear and compelling --

"The Virgo girl is annoyingly meticulous about small things..."
"…she will irritate you with her critical ways..."
"…she will expect you to shave twice a day…"
"…she will expect you to mind your manners and keep your fingernails clean…"
Hardly the type for a 'fiery', 'independent' and 'spontaneous' Leo male to be mixing up with, I dare say. Scraping my face with sharp objects first thing in the morning is not my idea of fun. Twice a day? Forget about it!

I will never marry a Virgo. And neither should my brothers. Anil, my Arian elder brother and Ajay, my Tauran younger brother. Further, I hope I will never have to deal with a Virgo child, friend, relative, employer or employee -- described in such scary detail by Ms. Goodman.

Alas! As it seems to happen, whenever I take such informed, intelligent and firm decisions, all hell breaks loose. The aforementioned God not only knew how many times I studied Ms. Goodman's book; s/he was obviously eavesdropping when I made the fateful decision. (You are not going to drag me into the "Is God male or female?" debate -- that is another article in its own right.)

At first, hell broke loose slowly. So slowly in fact that I was not paying any attention to the consequences of my thoughts and my decisions. In June 1988 when I first returned to India after coming to the US to attend graduate school, Anil was seriously contemplating marriage. I thought it was nice that he wanted to settle down and raise a family. Then I found out that my future sister-in-law was his fellow student at the Osmania Medical College, one year his junior, and a Virgo!

Exercising great self-restraint that we Leos are famous for, I kept my peace. After all, everyone has to face his or her karma. If Anil's karma dictated that he marry a Virgo gynecologist, who can fight that? Not me and certainly not Anil! However, I was a little disturbed as suddenly my family would now have a Virgo member. I sincerely hoped that she had other redeeming qualities that would make up for the fact that she was born in September.

Then the clouds began to darken further. In December 1988, when I registered for the doctoral program in Lowell, I came in contact with another doctoral student, Vineet. As we both worked for Prof. Thompson, I needed to interact with Vineet on a daily basis. I did it for close to six years and in the process I learned a lot of stuff by working with Vineet. He turned out to be very bright and hardworking and you guessed it -- he was a Virgo. When I realized this, I told myself I should be more vigilant now, as two Virgos had been inducted into my life in the same year with seemingly effortless ease by some unseen super-human power. It was early in the game but things were not looking good.

Super-human power: 2. Arun: 0. (At that time, I did not know it was God, silly!)

In 1990, I wrote a long letter to my parents describing the ideal woman of my dreams that I would like to meet and marry. She had to be pleasant, full of fun and laughter, modern in her outlook (I still don't know what that means), educated (preferably an electrical engineer -- I am not kidding), from a good family, and of course good looking too. In 1991, when I went back home, it was my turn on the block. My parents had three young ladies on their short list (four if you count the young lady who got on the list through improper procedures -- i.e., her parents exerting undue influence on my parents through mutual friends). We were going to visit the first one on the list the very next morning -- 17 May 1991.

I said, "Great! Let's start whittling that list down. Who are we seeing first?"

Mom said, "Her name is Sudha. She is pleasant, very attractive and jovial, from a very good family. She is finishing her master's degree in REC Warangal -- in Electrical Engineering." (Regional Engineering College, Warangal is in Andhra Pradesh.)

Me: (Gulp!) "Great! Sounds perfect! What is her date of birth, and where did she grow up?"

Mom: "Let us see... September 3rd. Her parents are from Kakinada." (Kakinada is a port town on the coast of Andhra Pradesh.)

Me: "September 3rd! Gawd! She is a Virgo! From Kakinada!" (Obviously not the center of modern thinking and outlook.)

Mom: "So?"

Me: "Well, as I said, let's start whittling down that list."

The next morning came and went. If you happened to be on the Ameerpet side of the Begumpet flyover in Hyderabad, on the 17th of May 1991; and happened to peep in our home around 6:00 p.m.; you would have found me in a big living room, sprawled on the warm hard floor, staring. The three ceiling fans were roaring at full speed. The fan in the middle was staring right back at me.

Mom: "So...what do you think?"

Me: (After a long pause) "I can't see how I could justify taking her off the list." (Except that she is a Virgo!)

Mom: "Ha! Ha! Of course you can't take her off the list. What do you think of us? Your dad and I are not fools to have had her on the list to begin with. She is beautiful, educated, blah... blah... blah..."

I regret to report that the rest of my mom's speech has been lost to posterity, as her words were drowned by a desperate, primal, repetitive scream deep inside me, "But, she is a Virgo!"

In a blur, I met two other young ladies the next day, including Ms. Improper Procedures who was supposedly an accomplished singer of Carnatic music. As a penalty for using improper procedures, I asked her to sing any Thyagaraja Krithi (composition by Thyagaraja -- a famous composer of Carnatic music) in Kalyani ragam. (Raag or raga or ragam in Indian classical music refers to a specific combination of notes taken from the fundamental twelve-note musical scale. Kalyani is one such famous combination.) She did. Of course, I don't remember how or what she sang. I was not paying attention. I was in a daze.

I never met the fourth young lady -- it did not matter anymore. I could not get Sudha -- the educated, beautiful, jovial, modern, electrical engineer, Virgo out of my mind. I could not escape the Virgo trap that I was tricked into. After two sleepless nights that 5 mg of Valium each night could not put a dent on, I told my parents that if she was still interested, I would like to marry Sudha. So much for my oaths and decisions. All was lost. I was beaten.

I had never heard of Sudha before May 16, 1991. Here I was, on May 19, 1991 telling my parents that I wanted to marry her. A Virgo! If she agreed! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! By now, of course, I could see that indeed the super-human power behind this insidious campaign was God. Only God could make the woman of my dreams to be born in the sign of my nightmares.

This last scoring drive capitalizing on my helpless defenses took God a mere 72 hours from start to finish. It put the game out of my reach. And it really hurt.

God: 3. Arun: 0.

In sports, people generally look down upon running up the score on hapless opponents or otherwise taunting and showing them up when they are down. Even in brutal bloody 'sports' such as boxing, they won't let you maim or torture an opponent that is down on the floor. (Apparently you can eat your opponent's ear, however.)

It turns out that God doesn't watch HBO. With heavenly disdain, God ignored the referee who was screaming, "Foul! " God was going in for the kill. The campaign for utter and complete humiliation of Arun Mulpur was picking up furious momentum. Hell started breaking loose at a perceptibly faster pace.

1994: I finish my doctorate and find a job in a small company. Soon, I am to report directly to the President of the company! Cool! He is a Virgo! Ouch! God: 4. Arun: 0.

1996: We are going to have our first child. Cool! The baby was going to be a Libran for a change! Way cool! The baby -- a boy, is born a month prematurely. No! My son is a Virgo! Oouchh! God: 5. Arun: 0.

1997: The company is looking to do great things. They hire a new VP of marketing that I have to work with very closely. Cool! He is a Virgo! You must be kidding! And just for the heck of it, he was born on September 15 -- the same day as my son! Ooouchhh!

What started out in 1988 as a subtle, almost sneaky, induction of Virgos into my life had exploded into a not-too-subtle, in-your-face barrage of Virgos. Take her! Take him! Take her! Take him - and him - and him. Enough! Please! I give up! I can't take this anymore.

God: 6. Arun: 0.

Clearly God plays to win and does not believe in fair play. I mean to say, if life was a fair game, this would have been a no-brainer, too-many-Virgos-in-Arun's-life penalty -- don't you think? Even the average dumb and blind National Football League (NFL) linesman would have called it that.

I am sure you will now agree that this seriously-Virgo-enriched life of mine is more than a mere coincidence. It smacks of God. It obviously proves the existence of God and that s/he has a weird, twisted, brutal sense of humor. Why? Because pulling off something on this scale requires super-human powers. And a taste for sadistic humor. Thesis proved. Case closed. Call the ambulance.

Sadly, some people never learn. Around 1990, I also decided that I would like to have a Libran daughter. Don't ask me why -- I just like(d) the idea. In October 2000, we had our second child -- a daughter. Cool! A Libran -- way cool!

But wait! Now, looking back, I am getting really scared. I can hear God's thunderous laughter from beyond the clouds (sounds a lot like James Earl Jones), "You said no Virgos. I gave you at least six to deal with. I showed you I could make you look stupid by giving you lots of what you didn't want. You did not learn not to tempt karma. You wanted a Libran daughter. Now you've got her. Fool! I can also make you look stupid by giving you what you ask for. Beware what you wish for... Beware! Beware! Beware! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha..."

Urgent phone call to Ms. Linda Goodman: Hello! Ms. Goodman? Hi, this is Arun Mulpur -- a big fan. I urgently need your advice. Ms. Goodman, in your book on sun signs, you covered the cases of a Virgo man, a Virgo woman, a Virgo child, a Virgo employer, and a Virgo employee. During my experiments with life, I have discovered that you left out a few permutations and combinations that enhance the Virgo index of one's life. In my case, for example, what do I do if I have a Virgo wife, a Virgo child, a Virgo buddy, a Virgo boss, a Virgo boss-boss -- all at the same time? Not to mention the Virgo sister-in-law, Dr. Padmasri, who opened the batting for God's All-Virgo XI.

Ms. Goodman -- I also need your help on another issue. Does the birth of my daughter indicate the beginning of a barrage of Librans? Or is my daughter going to single-handedly do enough damage to make six full-blooded Librans proud? I need your help to sort out this multi-Virgo, single-Libra situation. Please help! Hello! Ms. Goodman? Ms. Goodman -- can you hear me? Linda Goodman, can you hear me...?
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