posted November 15, 2007 01:40 PM         

This is a serious message to all the parents.
Some of you may know these things, and some may not.
The information here ought to go without saying,
but it seems there's not enough time to publicize it,
after airing all the stories about Britney and Paris,
so, allow me to fill the void, if I may.

I wish someone had said these things to my folks,
when they were raising me.
I dont mean to be harsh,
but I feel very protective of children,
and very concerned about the way they are being sabotaged
by their own parents, in this modern world of ours.
Someone needs to speak for them.
Just think of me as the ghost of your unraised children,
haunting you from the future.
Who knows, these words might wake you up,
and save the lives of more than a few kids out there,
who I know are being prepared to fail.

Here's what I have to say:

One of the worst things you can do to a child, is say "no, and then replace it with a "yes" when the kid behaves immaturely. Basically, you just give a very good lesson in "How to spoil your child". The kid grows up thinking he (or she) can get whatever he wants if he just makes a big enough scene, whines, cries, screams, scratches, bites, etc. This isnt your intention, but it is the result, nonetheless.

Perhaps the most important tool you can equip a child with is a work ethic. Depriving him of this tool sets him up for a lifetime of greedy corner-cutting and even parasitism. When the kid desires something, it is an opportunity to use it as a motivator. But, if he doesnt have to do anything good to earn the "reward", he learns only to devalue both goods and labour.

As he gets older, he learns the lesson well, until it is the parent who is always being tested. The parent holds firm, but the child knows the parent is bluffing, and will give into his demands, just like in the past. All the child needs to do is wear the parent down. The tantrums get louder and more frequent. The more the parent tries to be firm, the further the child is obliged to go in misbehaving, in order to get the desired answer; "yes". And every time you give in, you very effectively teach the kid to "keep up the good work".

When you dont make use of firm boundaries and consequences, then, you'll end up trying to control his behavior through guilt. This is very common. Parents dont know how to take responsibility for the kid, so, they begin very early to rely upon the "free will" of the child. When the child's will shows itself to be weak (because the parent never strengthened it), the child is guilt-tripped. Love, rather than toys or videos or candy, is withheld. The atmosphere in the home is thick with negativity. Love becomes the reward, rather than the foundation, and is eventually equated with, and replaced by, malterial things.

The only way to prevent or remedy such a situation is with firm boundaries. You say "no", thats it. You are the parent. Once you come down to the kid's level and argue with them, you are no longer the Alpha of the pack. And, make no mistake, these are pack instincts we are dealing with in the child. You say, "no". If the kid persists, you say, "If you say one more word about it, then no Nintendo tonight." (make it a punishment you are willing to uphold, not one you are likely to rethink and want to cut short, like "a week of no nintendo") The kid naturally tests you. So you take away Nintendo. Now the kid knows you are for real. A force to be reckond with. Next time this happens, you make the same threat, but now the kid knows it is not an empty one. He learns. No tantrum. If he really wants something, you can say, "Do such-and-such, and I will buy it for you next time we are here." If he really wants it that badly, it will be worth it, and he'll do it. He'll have something to look forward to, and he'll enjoy it better along with "a cool glass of accomplishment". He'll get his "thing", you'll get a clean bathroom (or whatever), and, as a bonus, he wont grow up to be a louse and a ruthless seducer of women (or something like that).

We all want to protect kids from the difficult realities of the world. But when you do that, you teach them to over-estimate those difficulties. Furthermore, you dont prepare them for the real world. They grow up, but they never really grow up. They live as children in adult bodies, subjected to the same demands of other adults, but unprepared to face them. The result is usually drug addiction, crime adn imprisonment, or, at the least, serious underachievement in school, ending in a dead-end job, where the difficulties of reality really are overwhelming. The ones who overcome it are rare indeed.

Remember, these are the formative years. They arent called "formative" for no reason. The time to prepare your kids for the real world is not when they are ten, or fifteen, or eighteen, but now. And, in order to do that, you need to be a parent first. If you look to your kid for emotional support, and are willing to purchase it with toys and things, he will learn your weakness, and use it against you every time. "You dont love me," he'll say; not because he believes it, mind you, but because he knows it will scare you into "proving your love" with a candy bar or something. It will also teach him to equate love with money, and this is a whole new problem you dont want, and I dont want to write about. So, if you are trying to get love from your kid, dont do it by buying stuff, but, rather, purchase respect. The child is reassured, not by stuff, but, by having a pack leader, a firm presence, capable of providing solid rules and a dependable structure. I suggest you watch "Willy Wonka" about ten times in a row. I sure wish my folks had.

"When I was just four years old,
my father sent me to live with peasants,
thinking it better to rise from adversity
than fall into it."
~ Michel de Montaigne

"I have long wished to write a fairy tale of this kind: A woman, wishing to revenge herself on one who has injured her, carries off her enemies child, and going to a sorcerer asks him to teach her how she can most cruelly wreak her vengeance on the stolen infant, the only child of her enemy. The sorcerer bids her carry the child to a place he indicates, and assures her that a most terrible vengeance will result. The wicked woman follows his advise; but, keeping an eye upon the child, is astonished to see that it is found and adopted by a wealthy, childless man. She goes to the sorcerer and reproaches him, but he bids her wait. The child grows up in luxury and effeminacy. The woman is perplexed, but again the sorcerer bids her wait. And at length the time comes when the wicked woman is not only satisfied but has even to pity her victim. He grows up in the effeminacy and dissoluteness of wealth, and owing to his good nature is ruined. Then begins a sequence of physical sufferings, poverty, and humiliation, to which he is especially sensitive and against which he knows not how to contend. Aspirations of a moral life -- and the weakness of his effeminate body accustomed to luxury and idleness; vain struggles; lower and still lower decline; drunkenness to drown thought, then crime and insanity or suicide."
~ Leo Tolstoy

posted November 15, 2007 01:54 PM         

And kids know that when you are strong with them that you care about them.

posted November 15, 2007 01:57 PM         

God, I really hope something can be done about the damage done to me and others in a similar situation. (It's like my life story up there).

posted November 15, 2007 02:02 PM         

Up there with #1's work ethic should be responsibility for their own actions.

No matter how much we love and spoil our children, if they get into trouble we can't take the consenquences for their actions.
When they suffer we suffer more.

examples catching a std
and jail

out!

posted November 15, 2007 02:11 PM         

Not only is this reality, but so many truly do miss these lessons somehow?

I'm of the mind that people really should not have children unless they have thoroughly prepared mentally, physically, and spiritually. It is a life choice, one in which you should prepare and be educated about.

These precious gifts are often abused by a simple lack of knowledge or education on a parents part.

Free parenting classes are offered all across the nation for those able to swallow their pride enough to attend.

Our children ARE our future.

posted November 15, 2007 11:25 PM         

Only you are supposssta say: "... you have to be willing to leave a full cart of groceries in the store and to show you mean business."
And...
If you give in (or show any weakness) then the next time, the child "will just up the ante."

There is also the opportunity to earn very important things back once you have established that you mean business (over time and repeated examples).

I began to forgive my mother once I became a mother. And I began to forgive my father once I became a father.

posted November 16, 2007 07:25 AM         

Children do not come with instructions. What works for one child does not mean it will work for another... even with siblings. There is no blanket instruction to say: follow this rule and your child will be an excellent human being.

We all just try to do the best we can under the circumstances. The only thing we can do is love our children as best we can and pray that we do good by them.

posted November 16, 2007 09:12 AM         

I have often made the mistake and still do of judging "horrbile" parents. I think alot of folks become parents without seriously contemplating the responsibility and maturity it takes.

Alot of people do the best they can do with their particular circumstances in life.

The old nature vs nurture question. Some people grow up messed up with the best parenting, some people grow up ok with the worst parenting.

It is hard to be a parent and it is even harder to be a single parent.

True words you speak, Steve, but in this crazy world, it can be for, some people very difficult to enact, and when a parent has no support from another parent wheather the other parent is not around physically or emotionally (single parentdom has many faces) it is even more difficult.

posted December 07, 2007 12:08 PM         

Parentage is a very important profession,
but no test of fitness for it is ever imposed in the interest of the children.

posted December 07, 2007 02:30 PM         

A villian can always take a good idea and make a monster.

That doesnt mean the idea is a bad one.

A license is given to people who demonstrate
competence in driving and knowledge of the rules of the road.

Sure, some evil b-stard could make a law
that only caucasion males can receive a license,
but that doesnt make driver's licenses a bad idea.

In the same way, a test may be taken for parents.
First, they would be educated on the correct answers.
For instance,
Sugary sweets make children:
A.) healthy
B.) happy
C.) hyperactive
D.) hungry

Thats just a loose example.

Maybe we can try to think of some good ones?

posted December 07, 2007 04:43 PM         

Big Brother; who else?

"Willy Wonka"

That movie is a fine example of parents
being admonished for bad parenting,
and is a fine model for teaching
the principles of child-rearing.

Admitting that sugar causes hyperactivity,
cavities, and other health problems,
does not even amount to explicitly advocating moderation,
yet, here, you have made the assumption
that I am advocating artistic censorship -
a specious leap, to say the least.

Slow down, Aries.

Pick your fights;
dont just pick fights.

posted December 08, 2007 08:27 AM         

arien trait.

there is no fitness test, that would account for all such subtleties, ideologies, belief systems, etc etc etc.

parents who know perfectly well the dynamics of sugar allow it their children in excess. parents who are not well versed in the academia of nutrition know, on instinct, what is good for their children. children, even, know, on instinct, what is good for them, and will make the appropriate choice, in a well balanced atmosphere.

my criteria would include the elimination of all child-detachment paraphernalia that promotes the severing of the child/parent bond from the earliest age. these include playpens, pacifiers, electronic swings, cribs, strollers, et al. one examination of the problem of SIDS i saw, showed that it was the heartbreak of being separated from parents for such an extended time, sleeping in a crib, away from parents, after having spent almost the entire first year of development in the close and intimate atmosphere of the womb, always in contact with mama. being forced to be alone, away from the warmth and reassurance and regulation of parent's body, when so new in this world, caused such loneliness and despair, that it caused death in newborns.

now that, i know, is well beyond the credence of conventional thinking. conventional cultural demands. our culture actually demands the detachment of children from parents at a very early age, practically from birth. there are countless "medical" studies , delineating a scientific cause for SIDS, all different in their findings.

there are very intelligent, wealthy people who would pass standard 'fitness' tests for parenting. doesn't mean at all that they would not heap unspeakable cruelties on their children.

reproduction and parenting are biological functions, that we have eons of instincts for accomplishing. our present culture denies this, and endeavors to dis-establish this.

for, when parents and children maintain that ineffable bond, it is much harder for society to impose control over individual minds.

posted December 08, 2007 08:55 AM         

We are all individuals and we are all humans, not some form of robot to be modeled after a perfect parent.

Nature vs nurture.

There are ALOT of good people that were raised in bad homes and bad people that were raised in good homes.

I am not going to judge another parent for her/his parenting skills, surely my children may not be "allowed" or in the case of their ever-ongoing teenager status, may be advised to not interact with certain peers, but I am not going to call someone a bad parent just because a kid is behaving in a certain way.

posted December 08, 2007 08:58 AM         

quote:

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hyperbole.
arien trait.

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Is it really? Anyone have a reliable link to share, please? This is interesting.

******

I agree with zanya about limiting items/experiences that encourage separation at an early age but, sadly, not everyone finds themselves in circumstances that promote that closeness. At least not today. Parenting today, at least in modernized societies, is a horse of an entirely different color. The proverbial village has been downsized to one unit ... and sometimes just one individual. I know many of us can at times feel nostaligic for a past that, in reality, never was. And without extended families to help, as was more common before, raising children has become even more of a challenge. I don't have a one-solution-fits-all fix for these kinds of situations.

However, limiting reproduction to only those of us whose IQs are "high enough" will not solve anything. Many highly gifted children are born into otherwise average family lines and there is no guarantee that only "breeding the highly intelligent" would produce only highly intelligent people. Neither is intelligence the only, or even the most important factor, for one to be successful/driven, kind/compassionate, or any of the other things that a "good" society needs in its citizens to function positively.

The bottom line is that people who don't want children (not just the cute and cuddly bundle of joy but all the hardwork, sacrifice, patience, and sheer will power to devote to a whole other life) should not have children. Which means that our oversexed culture has to get over the idea that babies are "accidents" or "consequences". Unless you're raped and forced against your will to give birth, your getting pregnant was not an "accident". There is no birth control that is 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. Period. And for those people who do really and truly want children, no matter whether the conception was planned or not, well, in my ideal world, there would be a way for them to make their children the most important priorities in their lives without sacrificing financial stability or their other aspirations for the rest of their lives. But that would require a complete restructuring of not only our society but of our own beliefs.

(Big tangent coming up ...)

Anyone else find it strange that though our life expectancies have more than doubled in the past century and our rate of birth (in the US not counting immigrants) has decreased greatly ... that we are mostly still living by the idea of get job, get married, have babies, retire ... by simply extending the time it takes to accomplish those "goals"? When people died at 35, they still managed to do those same things with their lives except their retirement was much shorter. In twice as many years we are capable of only doing the same things but just being older when we do them.

posted December 08, 2007 12:23 PM         

Saying that there are no guarantees,
and that this or that exception exists,
is irrellevant, and does not address my claim;
namely, that we could make great advancements, if,
as is the case in so many other matters deemed important,
the rights of individuals in this regard
were not held to be so far more pressing
than the rights of the species,
and if the rights of parents were not held to be
so far more pressing than those of the children.

There will always be uncertainty,
and people who deserve to parent
will not get to parent,
while some who dont deserve that priviledge will.
The means for determining competence are not infallible,
but it is clear to me that they are significant,
and worthy of consideration.

At the very least,
it is wonderful that we are talking about this,
and according parenthood the attention it warrants.

Its a shame that the subject is so often stigmatized,
mostly by guilty parents who dont want to be found out,
or forced to confront their own apathy.

Zanya,

The desire for freedom,
symbolized by a license,
is indeed a biological urge.
As are many urges which are regulated,
and repressed, according to the rule of law.
Pedaphelia, for instance,
is a biological urge in pedaphiles.
Should we legalize the practice of it,
even if it psychologically cripples many children?
Poor pedaphiles...
they go their whole lives repressing their sexuality,
never able to meet that biological demand.
What do you think about that?
Its an extreme example, but there are many.
Every urge we have is biological.
Every crime committed is first urged
in the mind/body of the criminal.
Every selfish impulse is biological.
Being selfless requires self-restraint
(i.e. restraint of biological urges).

God forbid some women might have to repress
their desire for children.
Then that mothering instinct would have to find expression
in other ways, with other people! -
People who already exist and need nurturing.
That personal love might be alchemized into impersonal love.
Or the energy would go to any number of places.

If I may use a peculiar analogy here -
its like the space program.

NASA spends billions of dollars
to send a handful of people
to go lope around on some rock
hundreds of thousands of miles away.

That money could feed people right here on earth!
Have we solved all the earth's problems,
we are now ready to go solve the moon's
(as if the moon even had problems in need of solving)?

Its the same with having kids vs. adopting.

And I hear about how difficult it is to adopt.
As if it is so easy and inexpensive to birth a child, lol.

I advocate adoption, and, at least,
some means of regulating births;
regulating the influx of souls
to this burning pirateship, earth.
Abducting souls from the heavenly ethers -
isnt that what mothers are doing,
to satisfy their egoistic and biological urges?

I ask only that we provide some means
to ensure that more of the souls brought in,
have stronger minds and stronger parents to raise them.
Weak parents always talk about how hard parenting is.
No sh!t, its hard.
You didnt know that when you rejoiced to get the job?
You didnt know that when you had four kids,
to go with your minimum-wage,
no hope of advancement, life?
In a world where nothing is certain,
where your husband may leave you to raise them alone,
and you might lose even that crumby job you have,
and be out on the street...
Where homelessness and hunger are epidemics,
and a large percentage of those who go
without food and shelter are children, -
innocent souls who heeded the biological urges
of their (frequently unfit and/or economically unstable) parents...

posted December 08, 2007 12:59 PM         

often, when children are so unnaturally separated from a very early age from parents, their development gets skewed. i'm not arguing that skewed development, skewed bilological urges don't exist...in fact that's my point. the development we so desperately needed as babies, that is severed with detachment style parenting, twists those biological needs around, so that later in life a tendency toward pedophelia develops. that and any hundreds of other anomolies.

there are many who believe that if we could rearrange the priorities that society imposes on us....make our children more of a priority, and let extended breastfeeding become the norm, instead of a luxury for a few months, that we could eliminate almost all crime.

of course there are numerous vested interests for whom this type of society is not acceptable. our economy thrives on making children both an afterthought and a commodity, and neurosis prone. how else do we control and profit off of all our modern insecurities and angst? we are given bottles, pacifiers, crib and oh yeah, then dolls to play with as children. we are taught from a very young age not to bond with our children. why are there no baby slings in the toy departments?

for more information about the attachment parenting dynmamic, and why large groups of people deem it an essential method of raising babies, see any of Dr. William and Martha Sears books, and their website. see the Continuum Concept and related website. there's much more.

it is an enormous commitment on the part of the parents however to provide their children this very hands-on, unrelenting style of parenting. it goes against all we are taught, when the norm is to put our lives in the hands of the specialized 'experts'. all priorities change. but in so doing, we often discover as much about ourselves, and what actually are the more important things in life.

raising children is not the materialistic, medical, scientific activity that we are taught. read How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor.

posted December 08, 2007 01:11 PM         

quote:

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You didnt know that when you had four kids,
to go with your minimum-wage,
no hope of advancement, life?

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