posted February 04, 2008 02:44 AM         

I am the last- the last of all the people I know out here in "RealWorld" that isn't partnered, married, what have you.

I am more befuddled than upset, more blind sided by the concept than raging at the Universe.

I have never had that "committed" relationship thing, even as brief as to be called dating. Not that I am pure and virginal (oh, not by a long shot) but whatever it is that people fall in love with- I ain't got it. I have fallen in love with people, but its not been reciprocated.

The best I get is lust, and even if that proves its longevity- its still not love, and I know that.

I know there are many people out there who have been divorced, and that losing that kind of commitment is wrenching and terrible- but the little voice in my head says "well, at least someone loved you, and tried to commit to that."

I am successful at work, sometimes without even putting forth the effort one would think is recquired to get the promotions I have gotten- so, I wonder- is that all I get? Is that all this life will be? No love, no friends, no family, just WORK WORK WORK.

Or, maybe I am just a troll, and I don't realize it

Color me puzzled-

MK

posted February 04, 2008 12:56 PM         

Well, I find myself asking the question: "what is love?" since I have experienced several different scenarios. Love + love, love on one side and not on the other (the *not*, I have to say, being mostly on my side).

I'm very cynical right now, perhaps because I am so sensitive, and I wonder about my inability to feel love. For example, there's someone I rather *like* right now, but I worry. I worry that they'll turn out to be like all the rest over time. Those who seem the nicest at first glance often turn out to be the worst b@stards, and I feel I need to be careful, because even though I don't show it, and mostly remain calm, I get terribly emotionally hurt.

I'm in a weird state right now because I'm playing at being invincible, and don't want to be controlled by anyone.

I do know what you mean. You want someone to put a smile on your face because of your mutual respect for each other...I do understand that. What do you think it is about you that makes you unlovable?

I know it's difficult when some people seem to be so much more popular than ourselves. But consider that their lives are not free of chaos - however much of a front they may choose to put up and however much they choose to boast, in order to appear superior to others, and boost their own ego. Everyone silently clocks how much they are showing off, even if they don't say anything to their faces about it. Yes, they may seem hail-fellow-well-met to most people, but to me that's just blah. I don't like that because it's insincere. And how do you know how many of their unions aren't, or weren't, just based on lust?

I was reading a News of The World story about Jordan's marriage the other day (not that I believe everything that rag says) - some ex-nanny of theirs had apparently dished the dirt and decided to grace the mag. with all the lurid details. Although, I have to say, I wasn't that shocked. "Oh," I thought, "so it's no different from other marriages, then" (my experience of my own and my parents' marriages having been less than satisfactory). Amazing what goes on behind the closed doors of something that masquerades as marriage...not to say that all marriages are bad...but it could be that you are not missing much, although that is not for me to say.