posted March 20, 2008 06:20 PM         

quote:

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You could dodge death, but the funeral will get you.

Back in the caveman days, when a compatriot passed away, he was usually eaten up by a primitive jaguar and the bones were left in the grasslands till they were licked away by wolves and dried under the sun. These bones would then be collected by fellow cavemen and were chiseled into weapons to kill even more game. So now, you have frugality, sustainable development and revenge all packed into a single piece of long bone spear. This then would be the first instance of a funeral ritual. Feed, dry, sharpen, kill. And if more die, you do the same and make use of them.

We were hunter gatherers and life did not mean much to us. The population was expendable and anyone that was not strong enough to live by the jungle justice, well, died and was gobbled up by beasts. Life was simple, and the cavemen became stronger and smarter and made more weapons and got more game. I would even go on to say life was good, and exciting and fair. The food was free, the men were tough and the women were easy. Living among the wilderness as wilderness must have been a fantastic experience for our ancestors.

We go caravaning, camping, ******** in bushes to simulate the life of our early forefathers, but we just fail. We need tents and inflatable mattresses and a mini-van, a stove, a bulb, mosquito repellants, fishing rods, weed to keep sane, a propane tank to cook, a bonfire is the only piece of primitive machinery which is often glamourized by crackling firewood in inflammable purple and green burning gunny sacks. We're softer now and life's getting tougher and tougher by the day.

Add to all of these complications is something called death which we always look to dodge. The camping supplies are a means by which we protect ourselves from bears and killer mosquito swarms. We wash our hands, we purell-ify our bodies, our hair is soap and shampooed, our crothches are covered, we sneeze on our sleeves and kids are banned from eating peanuts. All thanks to what? This horrible thing called death which we don't want to accept. We keep pushing death back and when it does hit us when we are a hundred and one, we are hooked to tubes and cylinders and needles and live on to two hundred. There are people that have died and frozen themselves so that they can wake up when the medical professionals crack a cure to their mystery ailment.

I do have to commend the fact that, although we dread it and don't want to accept it, the funeral services are sort of sexing up death. Today, a funeral director spoke about coffin selection and funeral services custom made to your liking. Everything is prearranged and all you need is leave your loved ones some eM, so that you can be buried in that burlwood coffin, with silk woven from exquisite Angolan moths by children with flies in their eyes. You could even ask to be buried with an inflatable doll if she's someone you'd like to spend eternity with or better yet - your 1958 Brougham Sixteen. And for the small price of your life savings, you could have a nice middle-aged funeral director, directing the proceedings in a nice black dress. It works the same for any faith. You only die once, she said, so it has to be special. Birthdays come and go, but not death. This got me thinking. And I was torn between two extremely good funeral ideas -

1. Plastinate my body and donate a few organs for the betterment of lives (so that someone can live to 300) and for the advancement of medical science -- Noble but boring.

OR

2. Call up a funeral director and make the following requests : An F-16 Bomber, a Tomahawk cruise missle and a desert in Nevada, or an obscure corner of Ethiopia. Strap my body or bodily pieces to the cruise missle and fire me over the beautiful and expansive desert sands. That would be one bad-ass funeral.

Choice number one would probably pay my family for my body. But choosing the cave-smashing bad boy funeral would mean I need to start saving my dimes for a stylish goodbye.

So, the funeral planning did get to me. The funeral director/guest speaker was absolutely right and it was extremely ignorant of me to scoff at her.

You need to P-L-A-N.

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posted March 21, 2008 09:50 AM         

I would ask if you are behaving yourself but I don't ask for the impossible.

Your friend is a pretty good writer.

The only thing I plan on is dying. I see no need of an expensive coffin because I want to be cremated. I just weigh the two options, neither of which appeal to me, and I would rather be cremated and get it over fast than be eaten by maggots.

I think that death only frightens the young. The older you get the more you come to accept the reality and see it as just a mere transition which we will hardly notice upon dying. Well, at least that is a comforting thought because we won't know for sure until we cross that bridge. But it just seems right.

I liked what your friend wrote and it gave me a few chuckles. It reminded me of one of my favorite all time songs by the Kinks, Apeman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HmaAPaP-h0

posted March 21, 2008 10:23 AM         

I am well... Just a bit exausted these days since the 28 hour blitz shift kicked in. My mouth feels like Cave Red Bull ATM.

Well I have a personal code of conduct regarding my misbehavior and it follows the reverse-Utalitarian mode of thought; I try to cause the least amount of damage to the smallest group possible Lol!

Lol! Actually its not death I fear but the manner of it. I wanna go out with a bang! You know, experience that one last mode of exiliration before I go belly-up. If I had a choice in the matter, I would LOVE to go out the way Attila the Hun did. Ironic that a ruthless tyrant would pass away after consumating his marriage Lol! He was found slumped over outside his tent with a bleeding nose. Not exactly the best of circumstances to be found dead under but man! What a way to go!

Offcourse, I'll make a few more modifications to that senerio.

a) It would be a voluntary action (not a forced marriage.)

b) I'll make sure she gets a night she remembers (her pleasure is important too ya know. Can't back away from my principles; even when I am dying.)

What better way to be remembered as a lover? Lol!

As for the funeral, I like my bud's first idea, though I wanna be presented in the pose of Michelangelo's David .

posted March 21, 2008 11:33 AM         

quote:

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Lol! Actually its not death I fear but the manner of it. I wanna go out with a bang! You know, experience that one last mode of exiliration before I go belly-up. If I had a choice in the matter, I would LOVE to go out the way Attila the Hun did. Ironic that a ruthless tyrant would pass away after consumating his marriage Lol! He was found slumped over outside his tent with a bleeding nose. Not exactly the best of circumstances to be found dead under but man! What a way to go!...

As for the funeral, I like my bud's first idea, though I wanna be presented in the pose of Michelangelo's David

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I could have guessed that would be the way you would want to go, Xodian.

I didn't know Attila died that way. My God he must have latched onto a very passionate, wild Hunness ( did I just make up a new word? ) She even punched him in the nose. hee hee

Some men have gone that way. Usually it is very old rich guys who marry 20 year olds.

Women all want to die in our sleep because we rarely get any between working and raising kids. That's truthfully the way I hope to check out, peacefully, in my sleep. Seems a nice way to go for an earth sign.

You stay loose, Xodian and never change. Except to just get better.

posted March 22, 2008 02:24 PM         

Nah! I really don't want ladies thinking that their only option in life is die in their sleep without having the chance to experience the world and its wonders. That is why I have never thought about a great deal of raising kids or being a father myself (though there have been times where the idea was alluring.) I just want the one I am with to experiences of this world with me with as little barriers and limitations between us as possible. And that is something I'll surely see as a positive thing when I am on my death bed .