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Author Topic:   Passive Aggressive Co-Worker
future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 2748
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 17, 2008 09:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
This person is making me totally crazy! Anyone have some good stories/strategies on this? The most frustrating part is that she does "things" that seem innocent, but she knows she's trying to get a rise out of me. If I call her out on it, she wins bc that's what she wants, but if I ignore it she also wins bc she gets to keep doing whatever she wants to.

Oh yeah... she's buddies with the boss and she and I are the only two in the office. Yay!

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4433
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted May 17, 2008 01:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Oh god, I hate situations where you are stuck with awful people and feel powerless to stop them.

This really is one of the hardest situations in life. There are a lot of schools of thought on this.

It really depends how awful she is. If she's completely ruining your life then you might have to change jobs.

If she's somewhat reasonable you may be able to talk to her, tell her what shes doing is upsetting you. Would she respond to that or would she get defensive?

Another way is to just project kindness and love towards her all the time, do a favor for her, buy her a gift, see what happens.

I've found that ignoring people is probably the worst thing you can do, it's very taxing to one's own psyche to keep that kind of wall up.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5393
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 17, 2008 01:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
great advice!

I`m sorry you are involved in this, it sucks.

I wish you strength and patience!

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 202
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted May 17, 2008 01:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Tell me what she does. I'll show you how to make mincemeat out of her!!!
Love and peace

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 2748
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 17, 2008 09:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you all so much... just having support is very helpful at this point.

BR, you hit the nail on the head when you said it's taxing to put up that kind of wall. YES! It is.

Sadly, I love this job and things were going well for a while. She's always been (strangely) competitive with me from the first day-- weird bc we have the same job title, but handle different ends of the office work and she makes more $$ than I do. I don't get it at all.

Thanks for your replies though. (Hello Pix... still haven't figured out how to email you. Do you myspace? It might be easier for me to find you there to start.)

If all else fails, Bunnies, I could use a mincemeat how-to. One of her complaints is that I'm "too nice."

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4433
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted May 18, 2008 01:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Just a guess.....you're younger, thinner, and more attractive than her?

My envy dar is going off.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 202
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted May 18, 2008 03:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
"Too nice? As Blue Roamer would say....O RLY?
Then she's a bully?
Oh how lovely.
Whenever you are ready.....

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Xena
Moderator

Posts: 440
From: UK
Registered: Jun 2006

posted May 18, 2008 09:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xena     Edit/Delete Message
Unfortunately it doesn't always pay to be reasonable with those people - you need to get things out in the open, otherwise you just seethe.

These people are often desperate to be popular, and kiss up to those in charge. What they says goes - absolutely. There is no room for negotiation or consideration of other people's feelings. I'm actually living in a house with 8 other people at the moment and one girl in particular is like this. The issue concerns noise levels - these people are up at all hours of the night yabbering and playing loud music etc. and seem to think it's their divine right. A lot of the time they get away with it because no-one dares to say they're *not nice* or their behaviour is unacceptable, as they have formed a little sort of "popular" clique. I lost my rag at them last night - big-time - although I'm not sure whether complaining directly to offending persons more than about 3 times is a good idea or will make a difference, as they themselves have no intention of changing and their response often tends to be "f- you" and they may just laugh, because the fact is they don't care.

ONE way they could be made to care, however, is having the tables turned on them, AND complaining to higher-ups. Don't worry about complaining to your boss, just say that all her antics are preventing you from doing your job properly. If he says "she's nice", provide actual concrete examples (with dates and times) of exactly what she does and how it is preventing you doing your job, so her behaviour can be called into question. She's not an Aqua by any chance, is she?

I did a bit of table-turning early this morning (Sunday); raging from 2 months' lack of sleep, I stomped up and down the staircase so it sounded like WWII was going on, slammed doors, turned the washing machine and dryer on, and played prog-rock and dance music on my computer at a deafening volume - deliberately. The others proceeded to switch my electricity off, so I promptly switched it on again and switched theirs off.

This somewhat childish behaviour is out of character for me, but it was SOOO good to give them a taste of their own medicine. I have also reported them to the landlord and *happened to mention* that a nucleus of them also smoke pot. HA!!

Occasionally it could pay to be a little bit nasty...

Love,

Xena

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4433
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted May 18, 2008 12:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Wow Xena, and I thought my living situation was bad. I hope you find a way out of that soon, that sounds positively toxic to your health.

Are these people actually your roommates or do they just live in a separate unit in your building?

Peace to you.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 202
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted May 18, 2008 12:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Xena! An Aqua? Shame on you!
I BET she's a Libran.
I have worked with two people like that both Librans.
Don't be fooled by that sweet exterior.
Some of the females can be monsters!

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 2748
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 18, 2008 02:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
You guys are on the right track... she's a Gemini. I have a thing with Gemini women it seems (being a Sag female, I suppose this is somewhat natural.) I generally get along with everyone. I'm never the most popular kid on the block, but most people don't have an issue with me like this. When they do they're almost always Gem girls.

I don't have the option of going to the boss-- they're buddies along with Gem's Aqua sister. Boss is an Aries who really seems bound by their manipulations bc of the ego-strokes that go along with it.

I've scheduled two meetings with her to discuss Gem, but they've been conveniently cancelled.

It's a situation that won't do me any good to confront-- I really am kind of a lone ship in this situation, which is a sucky feeling. However, it's good for me to be stuck in this for now bc it's clear to me that I have some lessons to learn in dealing with these types of people, even if only on the inside.

A little personal backstory to this: growing up I had a hell of a time dealing with this kind of thing from my mother. As a child you end up internalizing these things which can be (and was) very damaging. I feel like this may have been put in front of me so I can learn to deal with it in a new way-- by not automatically internalizing it, and therefore saving my self-esteem from the attacks.

I know that this is one thing in my life that I need to overcome, and wouldn't you know, I've been plunked right down in the middle of it with no solution but to quit. Sadly I waited a long time for this job and really love it. But it's not going to work for me with these people. I'm looking for another job and in the meantime I'll be trying to learn any *karmic* lessons that are coming my way.

I'm trying to pump myself up for Monday-- I've come to dread them.

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4433
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted May 18, 2008 03:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Good luck future, it sounds like you've got things in perspective.

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Hexxie
Knowflake

Posts: 940
From: :::Libra Sun / 29* Gemini Rising / Aquarius Moon:::
Registered: Jul 2005

posted May 19, 2008 12:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hexxie     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Future U ~

I haven't been around here in a while, and I haven't posted in even longer! I remember you from the original 'post your pic here' thread that was on ffa. You had said a nice comment about my pic once upon a time...

Anyhoo your post was one that I could relate to. I have had a similar experience in a small office too.

I think that Ms Gem feels threatened by you. Probably the only reason is simply because you came into 'her space'. From her point of view, this is her job, and her space, and you are the new girl who is 'invading' her space. She is trying to assert her dominance by testing your boundaries. It's funny how humans can sometimes act like animals, instinctively and/or unconsciously! You said that you guys are opposite Suns so energetically that is another layer to what she is picking up on and feeling threatened by.

When she does 'things that seem innocent just to get a rise out of you' is when you should confront her in my opinion. If you are to angry, wait 'till you've cooled off, then say something to her in a non-heated, matter-of-fact way. Don't worry about if 'she wins' because retaining your sanity in a job that you stated you really like is more important than who 'wins'.

I also think it's not a good idea to go above her head and talk to the boss about her at this time. Confront her 1st and if that doesn't work then make a meeting with the boss. In a small office you need to be able to work well together regardless of how you personally feel about each other.

Just worry about keeping your own vibration high any way you can. Every night before you go to bed remove her energetic cording to you (we all get corded to our co-workers because we see them everyday and have to cooperate with them). I like to 'plug people into the Sun' because that is an energy source that I have found that they do not notice the difference (You ever have an old phone # from someone you used to be friends with, then you decide to throw it away and they call you w/in like a few days?? That's just 1 example of trying to remove someone's cording and them noticing the 'pull' away and trying to reconnect).

If you can afford it, I also recommend that you get some Fringed Violet flower essence. It helps heal any damage to your aura, helps with distress, and gives psychic protection. In this type of situation you can become exhausted and it really is like being assaulted all day long. It will help you not absorb any of her 'stuff'.

One more thing you can bring to work is Black Tourmaline. Just buy a couple and put them in your pocket or get one of those pouch necklaces.

Ultimately, you've recognized the lesson and now it's just up to you on how you greet it. The fact that you've recognized it means you are just about finished with it. Things come up over and over again, with a different cast of characters, until we can cease to re-act to it. Mind your own vibe, speak your piece with peace - meaning confront her when you are not pi$$ed and see if you can work things out. She is probably acting unconsciously and it isn't personal (I sure know that the illusion can make things seem damn personal but don't be fooled!)

Like attracts like. Try sending her love and changing the way you think of her. Either her vibe will come up to meet yours, or one of you will leave. One cannot stay for long when the vibes do not match.

Best of luck! I support you! Keep us posted on your progress

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 2748
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 19, 2008 12:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you so much for this. I do need some tips on how to keep my energy up because it is a giant drain.

I've tried to talk to her before and she blows up-- going off-topic and making totally false accusations-- just like my mother did. She even looks eerily like she did while I was growing up. My mom and I are good now, but we've thrown the past under the rug and moved on. She knows what she did wrong and I know she's trying to make up for it now, so I don't mind letting it go.

The truth is, I get so much anxiety every time I think of trying to talk to her because her tirades are so exhausting. But I will have to face it sooner or later and I've made up my mind to stay at this job at least until I've faced up to the issue.

I appreciate your advice and will certainly put it to use. I'm waiting and watching now for a good time to go through that door.

Everyone's support on this has been great for me. I really need it right now and I hope it will help carry me through this lesson.

Thank you and I will keep you updated.

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Azalaksh
Knowflake

Posts: 6661
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted May 19, 2008 12:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
Good luck, future

Hi Hexxie -- you've been missed!!

Love,
Z

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 202
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted May 19, 2008 03:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Future. There was a programme on television called Monkey Business and it ran for years.
It was all about a monkey sanctuary in Dorset and it focused a lot on several groups of chimps.
Well I found it hilarious because the machinations of a group of chimps vying for their place in the pecking order of that group was so illuminating.
You got the leader. Sometimes there deservedly because he was the Alpha male. Sometimes only there because he was the biggest and so he would try to hold onto the position by much posturing and showing off.
But oh how the younger ones watched and waited in the wings, knowing one day they would be able to "take him".
And he knew it too.
And then there was the one who was leader by the mere fact that there wasn't anyone else at that time who would "do"
And he knew it and the others knew it, so they would treat him with barely concealed contempt.
And then you get the "seconds". Your co worker.
Dashing about, toadying up to who ever they thought was in a position of power. They felt safe until a new chimp was introduced.
Then they would be the worst bullies.
Trying to make sure the new guy didn't usurp their position as second.
Terrified of losing their status they would slyly torment and tease the newcomer until the newcomer would retaliate and they would run screaming for the protection of the leader.
If the newcomer didn't retaliate or confront they would just continue bullying until the poor thing had to be taken out and attempt to be reintroduced to a new group.
You are my dear, just watching chimps in clothes fearfully trying to hold onto their position.
Don't you DARE give up a job you love because your co worker acts like a scared primate!
Just bloody ignore her. There is "ONE" in every job situation you ever will find yourself in.
Next time she tells you, that you are "Too nice" say sweetly
"You know something, you are absolutely right. It's been a problem all my life.
I so wish that I knew how to be an out and out cow.
Maybe if you can spare me a few minutes sometime you can show me how it's done"

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thirteen
Knowflake

Posts: 1134
From: Rochester Hills, MI USA
Registered: May 2004

posted May 19, 2008 09:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for thirteen     Edit/Delete Message
in my situation like this it did not end until i asked her "do you feel you have some kind of power over me?" and i meant it. I had realized that i was letting her do it to me because i must have been ok with it and when i woke up to realize that , no she really didn't have the right to dominate me, that was when our confrontation happened.
I have also read that bully's know they are bullying. Once you call them on it ( but please mean it dont just do it) they know that you know their game and they respect you for knowing. How f'd up eh ? But that is in the mind of the bullying type.

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Xena
Moderator

Posts: 440
From: UK
Registered: Jun 2006

posted May 19, 2008 10:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xena     Edit/Delete Message
Future, do whatever you feel is right (god, I know this sounds vague), but also tell yourself that these people will NOT push your spirit under. You are a Sadge, and resilient!

Seriously, though, how did those meetings get cancelled? You should absolutely insist on them.

Funny what you say about your mother, my mother and I have recently found ourselves having a more constructive relationship.

BR, these people are housemates of mine. No-one has spoken to me since Sunday morning...hee hee... It doesn't pay to p*ss an Aries off!

I got rid of some of my frustration by going to a friend's gig and drawing the *graphic novel* version of *High Jinks (or should that be Jinx) at Home* . Ha, ha!

Bunnies, wish I'd seen that programme...what I find hilarious is how the women in our house kiss up to the men all the time....kinda "mustn't upset the men" attitude, as in, not disagreeing during a discussion (or remaining silent), over-mothering, etc, etc. Amazing.

Love and hugs to you, Future,

Xena

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 2748
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 19, 2008 08:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
Today was better, but that doesn't mean anything beyond this day. She's all over the board.

I love the story about the monkeys. I just imagine her as one and it helps put things into perspective.

And I love the rest of the stories about your own experiences and how you've dealt with them. Thirteen, I would LOVE to ask her the same question. I don't know if I have the nerve to do it. Good for you! I will remember this the next time she starts up. Who knows-- maybe I'll find the pluck to pull it off.

Xena-- has it been uncomfortable for you? I can almost hear the silence. How are you coping with it?

I find that I don't have any problem disagreeing with or asserting myself with people I find to be reasonable. It's the not-so-reasonable ones that throw me off my game. I hate feeling that way (and hate admitting it here even more, but truth is important, so there it is!)

I'm generally a strong person, but standing up for myself in these situations has always been very difficult for me.

Thanks!

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Xena
Moderator

Posts: 440
From: UK
Registered: Jun 2006

posted May 21, 2008 10:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Xena     Edit/Delete Message
Well, touch wood (find some real wood - it's all veneer round here) we have had 3 silent nights on the trot - although there are still a lot of nights to get through, so I'm not counting my chickens yet. Not sure I have the energy to get revved up any more.

I did wonder whether anyone would talk to me again, but people have started - amazingly!!! I think what people need sometimes is a good old whipping into shape!!

Fire signs have soft centres and we can bruise easily, although we don't show it on the surface. Remember - you are YOU!! and the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON!!!

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4433
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted May 21, 2008 04:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Have you put sleeping pills in her coffee yet?

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Jazzebel
Knowflake

Posts: 345
From: Georgia
Registered: Aug 2003

posted May 21, 2008 11:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jazzebel     Edit/Delete Message
hey Future, do you really need to talk to her? can you not just completely ignore her? I know for myself, in situations like this, I just go completely cold and don't even talk to people like that except for Hello, Good Bye and strictly work-related stuff. Cold as a dead fish. It works for me.

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praecipua
Knowflake

Posts: 611
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007

posted May 22, 2008 06:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for praecipua     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
F_U:
I really am kind of a lone ship in this situation, which is a sucky feeling.

One of her complaints is that I'm "too nice."


i think Hexxie is right on the money. she feels threatened. she's threatened by you being "too nice".

quote:
I feel like this may have been put in front of me so I can learn to deal with it in a new way-- by not automatically internalizing it, and therefore saving my self-esteem from the attacks

My mom and I are good now, but we've thrown the past under the rug and moved on. She knows what she did wrong and I know she's trying to make up for it now, so I don't mind letting it go.


may be the lesson is to learn to let go even though others don't try to make up for it. don't understand your logic, unlike your mum. but hexxie gave good solutions. and there's not only one rationalisation of life. respect (and love?) is possible even to someone whith whom you dont share the same rationalization. you might even be surprised by her own way of rationalizing reality and get to love her for that. who knows?

?

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Hexxie
Knowflake

Posts: 940
From: :::Libra Sun / 29* Gemini Rising / Aquarius Moon:::
Registered: Jul 2005

posted May 22, 2008 12:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hexxie     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Future U!

I hope things have been...bearable... for you.

Don't forget that you (we) create your own reality. Do not resist the flow of what's happening to you, just observe. Just because your mind thinks something is bad doesn't mean that it is as it seems. The mind just calculates good and bad based on past data it has collected!
~~~

"Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts." -Denis Waitley

"When you affirm your own rightness in the universe, then you co-operate with others easily and automatically as part of your own nature. You, being yourself, help others be themselves. Because you recognize your own uniqueness you will not need to dominate others, nor cringe before them." -Jane Roberts

"I do not expect anything from others, so their actions cannot be in opposition to wishes of mine." -Swami Sri Yukteswar

"You make yourself and others suffer just as much when you take offense as when you give offense." -Ken Keyes, Jr

"A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror." -Ken Keyes, Jr

"Realize that you cannot help a soul unless that soul really wants help and is ready to be helped. I tell you to send that soul nothing but Love and more Love. Be still and wait, but be there when that soul turns for help." -Eileen Caddy

"Do not take life's experiences too seriously. Above all, do not let them hurt you, for in reality they are nothing but dream experiences... If circumstances are bad and you have to bear them, do not make them a part of yourself. Play your part in life, but never forget that it is only a role." -Paramahansa Yogananda

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts." -Shakespeare

Ok, so I guess I went a little overboard with quotes, but I love them. I hope that maybe one or two will resonate with you and lend you some energetic help!!

------------------
`Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
~Lewis Carroll

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praecipua
Knowflake

Posts: 611
From: england
Registered: Aug 2007

posted May 22, 2008 03:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for praecipua     Edit/Delete Message
perso, i like this one:

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts." -Shakespeare

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