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Author Topic:   Need a Laugh?
26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 30, 2008 02:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry

6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger

7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone

8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien

9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery

10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni

11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson

12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez

13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson

15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde

16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain

17) 'Our bombs are sm arter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.'
--A. Whitney Brown

18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased

20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 30, 2008 02:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased

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fieryscales
Moderator

Posts: 660
From: My own private world
Registered: Jan 2008

posted May 30, 2008 06:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for fieryscales     Edit/Delete Message
Brilliant

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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake

Posts: 8172
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004

posted May 30, 2008 07:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Heart--Shaped Cross     Edit/Delete Message
LOL

Some of these are pretty good.


quote:

3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey

haha

You sure its not called "SUCKERS"?


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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 30, 2008 11:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 30, 2008 11:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
It takes 46 muscles to frown
but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 30, 2008 11:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 30, 2008 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
I know I posted a thread on this Demetri Martin guy awhile back, but I cant find it. ..okay I didnt even try.
_______________________________

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”

"My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."

“I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’"

“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”

“They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”

“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”

“I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an @sshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an @sshole out here?’ They look like trees.”

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”


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venusdeindia
Knowflake

Posts: 1308
From: mumbai,india
Registered: Nov 2006

posted May 31, 2008 12:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for venusdeindia     Edit/Delete Message

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 31, 2008 12:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
more from him:

'Cotton balls' is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname.
'Cinnamon buns', on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'


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SunChild
Moderator

Posts: 4109
From: Australia
Registered: Jan 2004

posted May 31, 2008 02:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunChild     Edit/Delete Message
LOL

I especially like the last lot.

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 31, 2008 01:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 3947
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted May 31, 2008 04:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message

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NosiS
Moderator

Posts: 1205
From: )
Registered: Apr 2004

posted May 31, 2008 09:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NosiS     Edit/Delete Message
Awesome thread!

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 31, 2008 10:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

“One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man…

“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”

“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”

"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”

“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”

“An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’”

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”

“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”

My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me “Boss.” “Hey boss, can I help you, boss?” When they call me boss, I go, “I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest.”

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…...person?”

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted May 31, 2008 10:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
Jack Handey:

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.’

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—’mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they’re thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

I’m telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

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NosiS
Moderator

Posts: 1205
From: )
Registered: Apr 2004

posted May 31, 2008 10:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for NosiS     Edit/Delete Message
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words—’mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind."

ROFL!!!

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 3947
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted June 01, 2008 01:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
“An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’” - DM


The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, ‘Hey, I’m Vine Man.’ - JH

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wheelsofcheese
Knowflake

Posts: 609
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2008

posted June 03, 2008 07:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for wheelsofcheese     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”

PMSL

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5429
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 04, 2008 01:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
OMIGOsh!!!!!

brilliant stuff!

He's awesome

I remember laughing this loud the last time you posted stuff by him.

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted June 04, 2008 03:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted June 04, 2008 03:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
wheels..."PMSL"

PMS-laughing?

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted June 13, 2008 08:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
http://omg.yahoo.com/what-were-they-thinking/photos/1995?nc

lmao

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5429
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted June 13, 2008 11:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
P-issing myself laughing perhaps?

The last link gave me a bunch of what were they thinking pictures... and I have to say.. Kat Von D's appeal was her pin up status... curvy and sweet and sexy. Losing weight to appeal to her publicist not her fans?

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26taurus
Knowflake

Posts: 14338
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004

posted June 13, 2008 10:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for 26taurus     Edit/Delete Message
ah. Thanks. That makes more sense. I dont know most of internet abreviations lingo, except the more commonly used ones; dont chat online and dont post on many boards so I'm not hip to it.

Yeah, the Heather Locklear one struck me as funny this morning. I dont know who that Kat person is.

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