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Author Topic:   Who feels ugly?
future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 17, 2008 10:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ahhhh... now here's a question:

Who struggles with the uglies and can't get over it? This is an embarrassing problem and the people around me think I look just fine.

I don't want anyone digging up my pics and commenting on them-- it's really not about anyone else's opinion, but the internal struggle I have when I compare myself to the "beautiful people."

Is this a Libra moon issue?! Lol. I feel cheated! I can change my hair, my makeup, my clothes, but I can never be as attractive as I want to be. I think a lot of people feel this way from time to time. When it hits I feel such intense self-loathing and helplessness. That's what I really want to talk about.

I bring it up because I know how hard it is for me and maybe other people struggle with this too?

I don't look horrible or anything (this all sounds funny to me now that I'm making it public). But I really beat myself up over this. I never feel "beautiful." It's not about needing to do something nice for myself like a makeover or anything. Even on my wedding day-- the day you should feel your most beautiful, I still felt inadequate.

Anyone??

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

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posted June 17, 2008 10:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ancient Buddhist technique, works amazingly well:

Whenever you see a beautiful woman, and feel insecure, imagine her aging and rotting, and then finally being a disgusting corpse. Imagine yourself aging and rotting and becoming a disgusting corpse.

What value has beauty now?

This is traditionally a cure for lust but I believe it could apply here as well.

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 17, 2008 11:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah-- I get all that. I know it's superficial. It's not an insecurity thing so much. I don't know what it is. Most of my head is pretty logical and knows that this isn't really a big deal...

... but then there's that evil dark side that equates beauty with self-worth (not in others, just myself) and it's very painful.

I don't want to give the impression that this is the only thing happening in my head. It's just a recurring theme in my life that I'd like to move past.

Thanks for your meditation though-- I do find it helpful to focus on the transient quality of beauty when the uglies hit.

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 17, 2008 11:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
For the record, I look pretty normal, actually. I don't feel envious of people with money or wisdom or talent (well, sometimes, but not in any way that affects my life) but the beauty thing cuts a lot deeper than it should.

I fear that I'll be a warty troll in my next life because I worry so much about beauty in this life.

Curious, though, what exactly is the technique for lust? I could maybe use that one too.


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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 17, 2008 11:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And one more thing for the record--

imagining myself as a decayed and rotten corpse does not help me feel more beautiful!

Heehee... I know that's not the point at all, but taking this to an extreme of absurdity seemed like a fun thing to do.

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AceNeerav
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posted June 17, 2008 11:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AceNeerav     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i remember seeing ur picture when we spoke on yahoo messenger. i think u look attractive.

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BlueRoamer
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posted June 18, 2008 12:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You're not supposed to feel more beautiful...the purpose of the meditation is to realize that all beauty is transient, and that the value of beauty exists only in your head if you allow it to.

Being attached to ones own beauty leads to unhappiness, as we can not maintain beauty, it will inevitably fade. This is not to say you should not flaunt it if you have it, but you should not be so attached to it that it makes you suffer immensely. The point of the meditation is to realize that you have been conditioned to hold beauty as a high virtue, and to realize this is a habit, but is not really "you." Your essence is so much more powerful than the physical.

We are all rotting, doomed to age and ugliness, what good is it to cling to beauty?

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GeminiLover75
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posted June 18, 2008 12:21 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I get what you're talking about. I don't suffer from this *extremely*, but it happens sometimes. To be honest I think I feel more beautiful when I feel good on the inside. So it's not really about the looks... it's about how you feel about *yourself*, and that's what radiates. When you're feeling good and you're vibrating at a higher level, you naturally appear more beautiful because the energy is radiating from you. Inner peace and self-love comes first, and the rest naturally follows. (It sounds so cliche, but it is actually true).

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AcousticGod
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posted June 18, 2008 01:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, I don't have any words of wisdom for this. I have a killer pun, but no words of wisdom as I don't really relate.

I know I don't look stellar, but it would be too draining to concentrate on something like that for too long, and I realize that it may be different as a guy. There are plenty of ugly, but obviously talented and charasmatic guys in the world.

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BlueRoamer
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posted June 18, 2008 02:55 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Most of my hair has fallen out, so what?

Weep not for narcissus.

I am filled with joy just to be alive.

We have all manifested the precise appearance necessary to undergo the proper karmic transformation.

Accept your appearance because it is a crux of your spiritual growth.

(ask me tomorrow and i'll cry, WHY oh WHY is god making my hair fall out, I used to be so beautiful *sob*)

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blue moon
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posted June 18, 2008 04:55 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue moon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi, another Libran Moon here. But I neither feel ugly, nor care about the truth that I am really quite plain in looks.

We get bombarded with Hollywood magazine images of perfection, and nonsense stories about losing baby weight in two weeks. It's all false. In a different life I would be pressed into getting my nose straightened and getting braces. Maybe a bit of surgery to reverse the effect of childbirth. I'm not short of a bit of spare money to cover the costs but I haven't ever made the effort. I'm just not motivated. I don't care enough.

I think the condition of the Sun might give some pointers. At least it does on my chart where it is in a Grand Trine with Mars and Uranus. I don't lack confidence in general. Also, according to my husband my father treats me like another son. I kind of see what he means. It's probably not a coincidence that I am good at map-reading and get annoyed when women are judged on their appearance and not on what they are capable of doing.

Anyway, handsome is as handsome does.

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bunnies
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posted June 18, 2008 06:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
There is actually a condition called body dysmorphia in which the sufferer percieves themselves to be ugly or unattractive.
In it's worst case the person avoids all contact or attempts to hide their face.

Oh future...I could write a book...no a set of books about the pursuit of beauty.
It is a cruel mistress.

I was a very plain child and then in a matter of months when I was 15 something happened (i grew 9" and my oversize mouth actually began to fit my face!) and I became what was considered very good looking.
How nice you might say. Well yes if my perception of myself had changed along with it but throughout the next 25 years I still viewed myself as that gormless goofy midget!
And because of my insecurity I was very jealous of my looks and literally bristled if there was any competition.
I was not relaxed with it and here's the rub.
Although people perceived me as beautiful I was not attractive because I tried too hard....all the time...can you understand that?
And then as I grew older I relaxed and I actually began to enjoy myself. I didn't have to look fantastic every waking minute.
And whaddya know?
I became attractive to people...very...because I stopped posing and performing and positioning and just stopped overthinking it.
I hope this doesn't come across as big headed because I'm trying to explain that looks for everyone will always be a source of insecurity.
And I know you will have heard this a thousand times but IT IS a state of mind.
I know and now as I am older, I understand.
It is a projection that people see NOT the actuality.
So if you feel ugly sadly that's the projection.
And reading your other post I think it has affected you on more levels than maybe you realise.
Are you "feeling nothing" because of your perception of your looks and your insecurity because you don't feel somehow worthy,or do you feel the "uglies" because you are underlying unhappy with your life.

You have no idea how I understand where you are coming from and you have to believe me when I say....it will change for the better xx

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robyn.c
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posted June 18, 2008 09:00 AM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i think most people feel ugly. usually the most attractive people feel ugly. certainly loads of women wear cosmetics and uncomfortable shoes, clothes and stuff to make themselves more attractive. its all vanity. the flash car, the push up bra, the rouge, the jewellery. the most beautiful thing anyone can wear is a smile, and you know its true!!

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 18, 2008 09:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, like I said, I'm actually pretty normal looking. No one has ever run away screaming!

I really do get the "beauty is on the inside" and that the media makes us expect too much of ourselves.

But still-- does anyone feel even the tiniest bit of self-loathing for not being able to measure up? Especially the women? I know I'm not making this up or it wouldn't be such a big deal in the press.

Has anyone checked out Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty?" I think it's an excellent idea-- I love that there is more emphasis these days on self-acceptance and that it's being focused so much on the younger generations.

I usually look pretty natural-- I'm not very high maintenance at all-- little makeup and a little hair styling for work/ special occasions. So I don't desperately try to look beautiful. It doesn't really suit me to be too overdone anyway.

For me it's part of being female. I'm not saying this is everyone's experience or that women should be judged by their looks. But the truth is, they often are. I wish I could say that it's totally superficial and then throw it under the rug. But just like shorter-statured guys (a characteristic that I love, btw) sometimes feel inadequate as men, I think average/plain Jane girls sometimes feel inadequate as women.

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MoonWitch
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posted June 18, 2008 09:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MoonWitch     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I absolutely know where you are coming from.

There is a logical side of me that tells me it doesn't matter and a spiritual side that tells me it doesn't matter.

Then there is the emotional side that tells me "Hey - you're over 35 and past your prime, babe. Give up already." or "Ugh look at that pooch of a belly. You can't wear a bathing suit so you may as well just hide out indoors."

Most days it is a struggle between the logical/spiritual and the emotional sides of me.

And it's not completely crazy to be a bit envious of prettier people. Studies show that more attractive people (especially women) generally do better in their careers and are more successful. So, being pretty doesn't make things perfect but it can help you socially. There are times I've found myself thinking (rationally or not) "Wow - I aced that interview. I probably didn't get it because I'm not thin/pretty/young enough"

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 18, 2008 09:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yes MoonWitch! This is exactly what I mean!

I know better, just like you said. But that doesn't really change things in the outside world.

It's hard to explain without sounding like you just don't get it, but you've explained it very well.

Thank you!

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 18, 2008 09:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I also replied to everyone individually but it got lost. Grrr!

I tried to copy it before it disappeared but I was a fraction of a second too late.

I'm at work so I don't have time to try again but I will repost after work.

Thanks and much love to all of you!

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writesomething
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posted June 18, 2008 10:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for writesomething     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
feeling ugly is too much energy.

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

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posted June 18, 2008 10:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's no lie. It's WAYYYYY too much energy!

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Yin
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posted June 18, 2008 11:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I feel ugly all the time.
Now that I've gained about 50 extra pounds I am also fat.
Ugly fat woman with glasses.
So I throw myself into work and try not to think about it.

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Yin
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posted June 18, 2008 11:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Yin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
And BR, I have seen your picture - your face is soooo beautiful, I doubt that you can ever look bad.

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Aphrodite
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posted June 18, 2008 12:31 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
When I'm on PMS, often times I do not feel attractive.

Ugly is a strong word. I tell myself that there is always room for improvement.

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thirteen
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posted June 18, 2008 12:31 PM           Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
All of the pics i have ever seen here at LL are of attractive people. Ok that being said i am 48 and i have some thoughts on this issue. When i was in my late 20's i started a new job. My cube mate was a very attractive female. Tiny petitie and darned near gorgeous. I wanted to hate her but she was nice. I remember making a conscience decision then, it went like this: there are tons of beautiful women in the world and if i use my energy to hate them or feel inferior..well i just don't have that much energy so i might as well just accept them and not hold it against them. It worked.
Also: as you get older you do get more comfortable with looks and you don't worry so much. Then you realize that a lot of people don't put a lot of stock in looks anyway and that was cool to find out. I actually like getting older because i don't feel as much pressure to try to uphold good looks. Im aging and thats ok.

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Battle of Evermore
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posted June 18, 2008 12:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Battle of Evermore     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hmmm... interesting thread. I usually don't worry about it that much. But think, even the most beautiful of women have insecurities about their looks. I do think of ways that I could improve myself. I know I'm not the most 10/10 beautiful person in the world. As a Virgo, most of the time I strive for perfection, and where I fall short, other people can kiss my behind if they don't like it. But they'd better not be rude enough to tell me they don't like it, or they can kiss their own behinds goodbye.
The thing is, that if I fixed all of my imperfections, first off, I wouldn't be me anymore, and secondly, I'd find something else about myself to be unhappy about.

Oh by the way, thirteen has a good point...
a lot of people are shallow, but a lot of people don't care if you look like a beauty queen and actually like your flaws... they are what makes you human. I've had people randomly tell me that they like my crooked teeth because it gives me character. And my big ears, because it apparently makes me look like an elf.

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ghanima81
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posted June 18, 2008 01:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ghanima81     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
First off, I've been staring at this thread wondering exactly what to say.

First off, to your initial question. Yes. I feel unattractive and imperfect every single day. I look at myself and pick apart every single flaw that I see. Nobody that knows me, REALLY knows me, realizes that I do this. I wish I were more in shape. I wish I had better skin. I wish I had whiter teeth. I wish my very boring hair would sparkly and shine. I wish I did not inherit my mom's nose, that seems to be growing every day. I wish my breasts were bigger, my ears smaller, my knees less knobby and I didn't have freckles. I know that the things that I can change, I'm totally capable of doing.

But then, like BOE said, if those things changed, I would not be me anymore.

Sometimes I will get so frustrated looking at myself, when I'm trying to get dressed up or putting on make up, that I will literally take a washcloth and scrub myself raw. I will throw things at the mirror and start crying. (this usually happens around "that time of the month") It hurts, and it sucks, and it is a total waste of energy, and then I feel guilty for being so superficial when there are so many bigger problems in the world, and then I am stuck in a guilt spiral and will not come out of my room for a day.

It's rediculous! It really stems from being tormented as a child. My parents were the only ones who were divorced in my class, and I was teased all the time, and kids even called me "Ugly Jaymee". No lie.

I have always struggled with this. I don't even know if it's insecurity so much as a real social awkwardness.

But of course, it's insane. It's totally irrational, and I can't believe I just said all of that!

I have done photo shoots with artist friends of mine, appeared nude in several theatrical productions, and receive compliments often on my outside appearance. One would think this would not be an issue. But it is.

Every single day.

I guess I have just come to accept that it is a part of who I am. Maybe it keeps me humble? (Leo moon 5th house, I need it!) Maybe it keeps me grounded (triple Aqua, I need it! ), whatever it is, I think we all have it to some degree. Especially women.

I had a friend once who said "you know, it's insane that women are the best medicine to other women who are in pain, but we can't get past our outsides to get to the insides all the way, there is always something she has that you want, and vice versa."

So true. Human nature? Keeping Up with the Joneses? Influence of the media?

Whatever it is, it is sad that these things can affect us and keep us seperated.

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