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Author Topic:   Lindaland- I miss you, I love you...
Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 1153
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted August 21, 2008 03:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
Its like going home, to your favorite coffee shop- walking in, and everyone knows you and gives you hugs..

I have never left- LindaLand is still my homepage- but my life has been so full of madness I have been absent for far too long.

I wish I knew what to say, to really communicate how challenging this past year has been. I am sure I have been away so long that few regulars will even remember who I am.
I think Saturn is playing tricks with me again- he is lurking in Virgo's corner, and with my 10th house in Virgo, my Sun, my Mercury- I am left shocked and awed at the wreck that is my professional life. I am hurt and confused by how every word I speak is judged, found lacking, and critisized.

I feel a complete failure. At every turn, I am found lacking. I have lost faith in my ability to perform my job. I am not allowed to have friends. I feel trapped. Once upon a time, I thought this was my sanctuary, my haven- and now my job, my only meaning in life- brings me no joy.

I don't mean to be melodramatic- but, blame my Neptune in the 1st, I don't know what I am- I feel so lost in a fog that I can't make a decision.

How do you dig out? how do you find meaning? How do YOU start over?

Lend me your wisdom, please. I don't know where, or even how to look anymore...

MK

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PeaceAngel
Knowflake

Posts: 1535
From: Australia
Registered: May 2008

posted August 21, 2008 04:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PeaceAngel     Edit/Delete Message
Motherkonfessor

hi. i'm new here so this is our first meeting. i understand your value of this site and the people here. i'm kind of stuck here somehow. i love it and the people here are my valued friends.

i'm really sorry for your hardships and that you are feeling so hurt and confused and that you can't find your way out of where you are. losing faith in yourself - even if in one area of your life - is enormously painful. self-doubt is something i am very familiar with and have suffered with greatly. so i understand the feelings and even if my words can't help you or soothe you right now - just know that you are being sent vast amounts of love.

the way to dig out - is to find yourself and love yourself. who you are now and not who you used to be and keep trying to go back to. those judgements and conditions that others place upon you - you have to discard them and say that those are about them. you have to tell yourself that you deserve good things. i don't know anything about you - so what your beliefs are in terms of the universe. i believe the universe answers our prayers - no matter what you call it - god, or whatever. i really believe if you ask you'll be answered. depression took me to the awareness of a higher source (again whatever you want to call it) and that's my focus - so if i'm good enough to be loved by god or the universe, then who is anyone else to judge me or think otherwise. and when you believe in yourself, no-one and nothing can undermine you because you know who you are and what you can do. i believe its much better to make mistakes along the way than not try at all.

you start over - by making one step at a time. you take just one step forward - choose anything - and it will take you. you can ask the universe to take you to where you need to be and let it happen. i always believe - take one step forward - in any direction - and it gives you the momentum to take the next one. and if it turns out that you're not happy in that direction - okay make a turn towards what feels happier/right. you have choices. the thing i know is that when you feel this way - you forget that you have choices. and never worry about what others think of you. they don't really know you. and sometimes people will only choose to believe what they want to - regardless of the truth or your intentions. find something that's great about you - and tell yourself. then find another. write them down. tell them to yourself every day. every moment if you have to.

i don't know if you'll take this as senseless babble or if there's something of value in here for you. but either way, lots and lots of love to you.

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fieryscales
Moderator

Posts: 862
From: My own private world
Registered: Jan 2008

posted August 21, 2008 07:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for fieryscales     Edit/Delete Message
Welcome back MK

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Unmoved
Moderator

Posts: 1770
From: Born in S.Africa
Registered: Jun 2007

posted August 21, 2008 07:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Unmoved     Edit/Delete Message
Hi MK

We don't talk, or we haven't yet but I like you, so it's great to have you back.

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charmainec
Moderator

Posts: 503
From: S.A
Registered: Dec 2007

posted August 21, 2008 07:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for charmainec     Edit/Delete Message
Good to have you back

------------------
What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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lalalinda
Moderator

Posts: 3663
From: nevada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted August 21, 2008 09:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalalinda     Edit/Delete Message
Hang in there MK, it will get better

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wheelsofcheese
Knowflake

Posts: 898
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2008

posted August 21, 2008 10:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for wheelsofcheese     Edit/Delete Message
Blessings to you Motherkonfessor

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 4312
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted August 21, 2008 12:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
How could anyone forget YOU???

All I can is what I do... which is lame, but works for me.

I watch sad movies until I cry enough that I feel cleansed and then I watch a Disney movie with my daughter to renew my child-like hope.

That's it.
And chocolate, prayer, and time.

Something always turns up... a new door, a new direction.

When you reach a dead end and it seems you are locked in a room with no exits, the only thing that works is clearing your mind and heart of clutter so you can start to "See" again... because there are always Exits... even if you have to walk through a wall or climb up the clutter to a hole in the ceiling. (Check that bookcase too... there is sometimes a secret passage there...)

And what I mean by that
is open an old favorite and look with new eyes.


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TINK
Knowflake

Posts: 4078
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted August 21, 2008 02:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TINK     Edit/Delete Message
MK You are one of the finest gems ever to grace this site.

I'm as far from an astrologer as is possible, but I know the desolation and turmoil ole' man Saturn can bring. Everything that you thought was true, everything you thought you were is lost. It hurts.

Once your Saturn ordered spring cleaning is finished, once you're through sorting out the mess, purging the old and shedding your skin, (and you will, of course, 'cause you're a smart chick) the new beginning hiding inside this ending will make itself known.

A personal note ...

I'm in the process of remodeling an old house and landscaping the yard. It's a disorginized, filthy mess. In fact, it's really not fair to call it a house anymore. Construction zone would be more accurate. I'm also going through a little Saturn ordered review. What I thought were essential personal attachments to certain things, people and ideas are being rather unpleasantly ripped to shreds. Sometimes I look around the house/construction zone and indulge in a little maniacal laughter, because what I see around me is a perfect manifestation of what is happening inside me in an emotional and spiritual sense. I think, if the house could, it would hate me for what I'm doing to it. I imagine it would have preferred to skip the pain of being pulled apart and continued on in its old, outmoded form. Likewise, I've cursed God many times this past year. But I'm smarter than the house. At the end of the day, I know the Universe is preparing me for something better.

So ... what MM said. That's what I try to do too. A little chocolate, a lot of prayer, however much time it takes and, maybe most importantly, the willingness, no matter how hard, to "look with new eyes". You won't find better advice than that.

blessings to you, MK

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 369
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted August 21, 2008 03:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Dear TINK
I refurbish (Remodel) houses for a living.
I ALWAYS explain to the house beforehand what's happening.
When I first get the keys I go in by myself and have a little chat.

I explain that there may be banging and things being taken out and walls knocked through but it musn't be alarmed.
The end result will be that it will look stunning so it has to trust me!

I once felt a house physically wince (true) when a chimney was taken down internally.
Even I wobbled a bit when I saw the resultant mess but 2 days later we were both perky and smiling!

I ALWAYS have success when I do this. It might sound barmy but I think it shows respect to the building or land and those vibrations reflect in the finished result.
I only once neglected to do this and the house fought me every step of the way.
I couldn't get shut of it quick enough and didn't make a profit.

My builders are used to me now.
They take not a blind bit of notice when I stand in the middle of a room going
"Look at YOU house! You are SOOOOOO handsome!!

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 7047
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted August 21, 2008 06:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
Hi MK, I'm glad to see you back here, angst and all Here's a big {{{ hug }}} and big

How do you cope when Neptune is obscuring the path ahead of you and blowing away into nothingness the path behind you?? You keep walking. You keep slogging. At the forks in the road, shut off your brain and choose with your heart.

Chocolate and other comfort foods are herewith assigned to your diet. Be good to MK!! Spoil MK. After slogging on a few more days/weeks/months, all of a sudden the fog will disappear and the path ahead will brighten and you'll be able to see a few miles into the distance!!

Your job, MK -- You loved your job and now you hate it. Your job is telling you, "MK, we're growing in different directions -- it's been fun but now we need to split up." You don't need to decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life, or what you want to be when you grow up -- just pick a direction that seems comfortable and interesting. Your job is a comfortable "known" quantity -- whereas the future is a totally "unknown" quantity. You have the courage to face the unknown, sweetie -- regaling us with your many independent adventures has been poignant (and often hysterically funny ). Have you considered writing?? You have such a flair for it.....

Loves & Hugs
Mme Z

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 12984
From: CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted August 22, 2008 11:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I'm sorry that things aren't feeling quite right. With regard to your job, I'm not as certain as the others about just throwing it away. I think you should go with how you feel where it's concerned. If it truly feels like your job/home doesn't fit anymore, than I can understand leaving it, but if it's just uncomfortable at the moment and you think that there are still possibilities there, then I'd recommend sticking it out. Saturn's lessons aren't necessarily the obvious ones.

quote:
I am hurt and confused by how every word I speak is judged, found lacking, and critisized.

Is Saturn affecting your Mercury? Is Saturn taming your tongue and therefore also the mind attached to it? Is it revealing the weaknesses in your communication style? Communication is a two way street, though, so maybe it's not all you. Maybe you're just not connecting with someone who you'd always have difficulty connecting with anyway (regardless of where Saturn is).

quote:
I am not allowed to have friends.

Fraternization rule? It's interesting how almost every lesson could go multiple ways. Is this Saturn molding you into the Saturnian business manager [who doesn't fraternize], or is this Saturn asking you to figure out how to defend your relationships as an asset to your managerial style?

quote:
Once upon a time, I thought this was my sanctuary, my haven- and now my job, my only meaning in life- brings me no joy.

"My only meaning in life..." spoken like a true 10th house Sun. I read recently about Capricorns that we have to learn that we have value outside of our professions. I'm dealing with a bit of a career crisis myself.

quote:
How do YOU start over?

Me? Usually I envision what I want to be, and hold on to that imagination until I show some semblance of it.

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pixelpixie
Knowflake

Posts: 5455
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted August 23, 2008 12:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
hugs to you

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silverstone
Moderator

Posts: 3061
From:
Registered: Mar 2006

posted August 23, 2008 03:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for silverstone     Edit/Delete Message
Welcome back~

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 4312
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted August 23, 2008 05:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Tink

You and MK can borrow some of my tape

I have a lot.

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CancerianMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 1185
From: Sydney, Australia. Cancer Sun.....Gemini Moon.....Aqua Rising
Registered: Aug 2003

posted August 23, 2008 06:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CancerianMoon     Edit/Delete Message
MK


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Motherkonfessor
Knowflake

Posts: 1153
From:
Registered: Oct 2003

posted August 24, 2008 12:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
Hello lovelies!!!!!

I have been feeling so much better over the past few days....I think its because just by taking a moment to post here, all of you sent a little happy energy to me. Thanks!!

Its nice to hear from everyone- I would put out a shout out to each of these posts, but it would take me hours- hours I should be spending catching up on lots of admin stuff for work.

Eh, screw work for a minute...

Today was just weird. For the first time in months, I felt weightless. Big Daddy Saturn is moving away from sitting directly on my shoulders, so maybe that's it. Today I suspended cynicism and angst, and just went for a walk.

Not to sound all "after school special" but it was like I was looking through different eyes. I didn't do anything monumental, I didn't realize any great epiphanies- I just let myself be.

That's all great and all, until you are walking around blissed out and you run smack into a bison. Luckily, he wasn't too upset.

Luvs to all- I do have to get some stuff done- tomorrow is my Monday!!

MK

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Randall
Webmaster

Posts: 26152
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted August 24, 2008 09:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Randall     Edit/Delete Message
Gotta love it when this big boy moves along.

Welcome home!

------------------
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz

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TINK
Knowflake

Posts: 4078
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted August 28, 2008 09:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TINK     Edit/Delete Message
bunnies, I like your style!

This is an old house that has been in my family for a long time. I spent a lot of time here as a girl and I have a deep sentimental attachment to it. (Maybe too much. All those damn attachments again) When I first walked in last year, after a 15 year absence, I was horrified at its neglected state. I almost walked back out. I promised the house everything would be ok, it just needed a little love. And a whole lot of money.
But somewhere along the line, as my project list grew and unforseen problems came to light, the love fest becaime a battle of endurance. It's been an "its either you or me" situation for too long.

Thank you for the reminder. I sorely needed it.

MK - I'm so happy you're having a respite. You're in my thoughts. There's nothing like a good purge between friends, is there?

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