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Author Topic:   Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong!
wheelsofcheese
Knowflake

Posts: 1803
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 27, 2009 11:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for wheelsofcheese     Edit/Delete Message
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

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blue moon
Moderator

Posts: 5465
From: U.K
Registered: Dec 2007

posted January 27, 2009 12:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue moon     Edit/Delete Message
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3.Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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LEXX
Moderator

Posts: 2651
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat.........& LEXIGRAMMING... is my Passion!
Registered: Jan 2008

posted January 27, 2009 12:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LEXX     Edit/Delete Message
wheelsofcheese & blue moon

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Node
Knowflake

Posts: 1231
From: Crowded House
Registered: Nov 2005

posted January 27, 2009 09:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Node     Edit/Delete Message
This is a scream. Thank you!

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 14303
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted January 27, 2009 10:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I enjoyed it this morning, too.

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PeaceAngel
Knowflake

Posts: 8733
From: Australia
Registered: May 2008

posted January 27, 2009 10:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PeaceAngel     Edit/Delete Message
Brilliant. Love it.

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MyVirgoMask
Knowflake

Posts: 2127
From: Florida for now
Registered: Sep 2008

posted January 28, 2009 12:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MyVirgoMask     Edit/Delete Message
OMG...that was brilliant

Emailing it to everyone now... lol

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koiflower
Knowflake

Posts: 2080
From: Australia
Registered: Jun 2008

posted January 28, 2009 07:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for koiflower     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah - that hormonal rush is really hard to deal with. It's like being injected with a caffeinated shot of adrenalinated rocket fuel, while someone wrings out your uterus.

How can you explain it to someone who has never experienced it?

Especially, with the concept that we have to keep smiling while serving customers!!

Great letter!!

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 4868
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted January 28, 2009 09:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills"

"pertinent"

ohhhhhh my LOLOLOL

the difficult things to say when drunk is great too

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MysticMelody
Moderator

Posts: 4868
From:
Registered: Dec 2005

posted January 28, 2009 09:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
also...

"Well, did it, James?" !?!?!?!

OMG, ROTFL

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 7931
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted January 28, 2009 10:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
Love it, Missy Wheels and blue!!
Add to the list of IMPOSSIBLE things to say when drunk:

10: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

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