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Author Topic:   Hitting Rockbottom..
cheshirekat
Knowflake

Posts: 109
From: wonderland
Registered: Jan 2009

posted February 26, 2009 01:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cheshirekat     Edit/Delete Message
I wasn't sure if I wanted to post this or not because I hate being burden but I need someone to talk to.

Things I've been stressing me out lately, especially school, if I can afford it and I've been crying alot, I guess I am depressed again. Im alone, I can't see my friends often because their on the other side of town and I've had to change schools do to the amount of bullying my Junior year and I blew up on my bully and I lost bus transportation. I have a truck but I can't drive it very far without gas money and school is very important and I can't miss a day of it. I lost the closest person in the world to me, the Capricorn because we are going into two different directions and Im feeling hopeless, I really want the pain to go away. My heart feels heavy and my eyes are dry from crying.

I can't come in to terms that I am a young lesbian teen because I've been taught that it is unnatraul and a sin, Im afraid to come out because Im afraid to loose what little support I do have and that also prolongs the lonliness and sadness because I can't be true to myself.

Finding a job is hard because all the jobs are frozen right now but I keep trying because I need the money for school and Im too stubborn to just give in and have my older sister help me because she is having hard times and I don't want to add on to that.

I feel trapped, ill, lost crazy,nothiness monterous, sad,useless and lonely. I want to volunteer and help out other people but I know thats not possible if I can't even help myself out of this small rut because I know my problems are very small compared to what I've seen.

I just need a hug and a bit of hope, I don't want to end it all..I just want to be able breath again without the squeeze on my heart.

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PeaceAngel
Knowflake

Posts: 9849
From: Australia
Registered: May 2008

posted February 26, 2009 01:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PeaceAngel     Edit/Delete Message
Sweetie, I think you would benefit with a chat with our wonderful koiflower. I'll email her.

There's a lot that you're struggling with at the moment. And it's all piling up. I take it you come from some kind of religious/moral background that's telling you what you feel is unnatural. My take on it is this - if we have a loving God and we are created by divine sources - then how can it be unnatural when it came from our maker? People like to compartmentalise because it makes them feel safe and secure. Anyone outside of the box stirs their fear. But you have to be honest with yourself, if only for yourself.

I'm sending you lots of love. Know that here you have many people who want to help you and support you.

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MyVirgoMask
Knowflake

Posts: 2673
From: Florida for now
Registered: Sep 2008

posted February 26, 2009 01:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MyVirgoMask     Edit/Delete Message
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a hard time!
What's the deal...I'm wondering, because it's like everyone seems to be going through some emotional difficulty lately

I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all. You seem like a wonderfully sweet person, very considerate and nice and conscientious. No doubt the sin and shame stuff is hard to deal with, but no matter what, I am sure you will have support, and your circle of support will expand. I certainly don't think it's sinful or shameful, I think the sin and shame is in trying to be someone we are not.
I think you'll come out when you're ready... if you feel ready now, then do it, and if not, then know there will be a time.

Maybe there's no such thing as a perfect time, but any time you choose will be the *right* time you are meant to, so go easy on yourself and trust that you will do the right thing for *you*.

As for the money situation, maybe you can come to an agreement to pay your sister back...if she's offering the help, and you need it but feel bad about taking it (which I don't think you should be since the money is going toward something you actually need), then maybe you can arrange something. There's no need to keep yourself stuck, hon
The universe offers, and it's not a bad idea to say 'yes' to help when we need it, because that's also the attitude of gratitude to accept. But it is your decision, of course.

Hang in there, love

EDIT: Yes, good idea, PA! Koi is wonderful!!!

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 1165
From: Chapel Hill, NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted February 26, 2009 01:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
dear cheshirekat,

Awww.. I'm sorry things are so rough on you right now..

How about we focus on one issue at a time? How come it's a problem affording school? Is it because of the gas money? Do you have a parent who can drive you to school? Or someone you can carpool with?

Do you have a friend or someone you trust, at either one of the schools, someone to hang out with sometimes? Perhaps there are clubs you can join: a sports team, drama, band, the newspaper, or even the debate team (I was a debate team geek). It would help you meet people at your new school, and make you feel more at home there. Especially if you can get involved in a cause or team you care about. Case in point: I used to be on the Environment Committee in high school, and when we campaigned to save the local wetlands, it brought us together over a shared cause. See if you can find a cause you want to support there, even a one-time deal like a bake sale..

It is important for you not to lose faith, honey.. I don't know if you're familiar with the LOA/Secret, but if you're happy, you can draw happier circumstances to you.. Don't see yourself as being so different from everyone else - we are all individuals who are fully entitled to our own likes, dislikes, goals & dreams.. no one has a right to judge that. Don't ever let anyone make you feel badly about yourself! Be proud of who you are, and the confidence in you will shine from within. Keep your chin up.. we're here for you, and trust me, things will get better.


Sunshine

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 14694
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted February 26, 2009 02:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
What's the deal...I'm wondering, because it's like everyone seems to be going through some emotional difficulty lately

I agree 100%. I don't know what it is, but things are getting stressful for a lot of people. Over the weekend, I had to deal with some drama unprecedented in my life. Nothing dire happened to me, but it was quite stressful. There's a good chance I'm going to send my roommate's life into a tailspin when I announce I'm moving out after next month, too.

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blue moon
Moderator

Posts: 5937
From: U.K
Registered: Dec 2007

posted February 26, 2009 02:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue moon     Edit/Delete Message
One hug, coming up....

You're not useless.

Try the voluntary work. I do it and I have a great time. There are plenty of places and positions going where the organisers are just grateful of an extra pair of hands.

Don't presume either that your co-workers will all be happy confident people with a functioning life plan. I know more than one person who does voluntary work to help with their depression, to get them out of the house and doing something.

Finding it hard to get a job I would suggest is more likely the result of the economic situation than anything inherent in you, it's not because you are useless. So maybe it might help to take a little of the pressure off yourself and congrulate you on doing your very best in difficult circumstances.

Stubborn? I prefer the word persistent.

As for not being acceptable to other people, in my humble opinion, there is only so far any of us should go in trying to adapt to other people's expectations. Working on a character flaw someone points out is one thing, but trying to go against your sense of self will only hurt you in the end.

As a trivial example, my mother moans about me being aggressive. She's right, there is a time and place and rudeness is not acceptable. However, I am not the simpering type and there is no point pretending. Besides, my husband likes my assertive personality, and the cat thinks I am great. There's never been a harsh word between me and the cat.

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blue moon
Moderator

Posts: 5937
From: U.K
Registered: Dec 2007

posted February 26, 2009 02:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue moon     Edit/Delete Message
Who remembers this one?

Showing my age, I know, he wrote this in the last big recession we had here...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiCRZLr9oRw&feature=related


Don't give up
cause you have friends
Don't give up
Youre not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know its never been easy
Don't give up
cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong

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koiflower
Knowflake

Posts: 2652
From: Australia
Registered: Jun 2008

posted February 26, 2009 06:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for koiflower     Edit/Delete Message
Did I hear my name??

cheshirekat, what a time you're going through!!! I wasn't going to go on-line tonight, but I'm glad I did. I'll just say a quick little message as I'm pretty exhausted after a messy week of work!!

The first and foremost message that I want to give you is this..........

The feeling you have for other women is beautiful and a blessing. Doesn't it just make your heart fill with excitement and love when you think of that someone special?

If you do have a religous background, then reflect on the fact that some denominations believe that spiritual entities, such as angels, and other heavenly heirachal beings are not gender-specific. In other words, that have no sexuality as we know it. But they do have the Divine Love that connects all Creation. Love is the Power, Light, Life, and many other godly virtues. There is a duty to love under Divine Inspiration. (In my opinion, if religion dictates all that we must do to live an exemplary life, then the Bible would have shown Jesus as being married with children.).

Placing a religous concept aside, loving another woman is not unnatural, nor is it a sin. It is a beautiful, spiritual, feeling to reach out with all of your heart and soul and encompass another spiritual loving person with such a holy love.

I encourage you to follow your desires. A person's sexuality is their identity. You are extremley lucky to live in a democractic society where you can love another woman in freedom. In fact, I recommend that you must fit in at least one relationship with a woman in your lifetime.

You are young and sensitive to your upbringing. That is a sign of respect to the influential elders around you. But remember, that was only their ideals that they sprinkled on you. What type of ideals would you sprinkle on your child?

Your ideals come straight from your sexuality, which is your identity - or in other words, it's You!! You cannot stop a runner from running, a singer from singing, a lover from loving and bird from flying.

Some people do not like running. Some people do not like singing. Some people do not have lovers and some people don't care that a bird can fly. But that does not stop them from fulfilling their desires.

Falling in love with another woman is surreal, exciting, and intoxicating! That's the romantic, wonderful side. However, relationships seem to be the same everywhere, whether it's a same-sex or heterosexual. They can be fun, scary, boring, exciting, beautiful, crazy, time-fillers, serious, demanding.

It means spending a part of your life with another person and learning and accepting (or not accepting) that person. So go out there and mingle with some like-minded people. All the same rules apply when meeting new potential partners. Keep yourself safe. Have fun. Fall in love or run as fast as you can!!!

You need to be true to yourself. You owe it to yourself. No-one is going to give you a medal for dating, kissing and marrying a man. Once the wedding is over, people will go back to their homes and not care that you are sharing a bed with someone you don't want to touch.

While you are dealing with your other issues of jobs and money, do a little investigation into things of a lesbian nature. (Did I write that word? Sorry, I use the word "gay". I'm a lot more comfortable with the G word).

*** Read lesbian fiction.
*** Surf the net for dating sites. Start up some chatting (keeping the safety rules in mind).
*** Watch U-tube clips of "The L Word" scenes.
*** Hire "The L Word" from a dvd rental store.
*** Visit a bar. Go for one coffee, have a look and leave. Go back another time and do the same thing, until you feel comfortable with the surroundings and you recognise a friendly familiar face.
*** Tell a friend. Not your best friend if that will spin you out! But someone you know would handle this news really well.
*** Be sneaky if it means not upsetting your family. There's no law that says to tell them everything you're doing and you are just respecting their ideals, while you live your ideals.

Remember sexuality is fluid. People don't discover they're gay until they're in their thirties, forties or older! Some people feel gay most of their lives then fall in love with the opposite sex! Some women have one partner for 20 years while others have a series of affairs. Someone could break your heart. Someone could be your dream come true.

You say you can't come to terms with being a young lesbian teen. Actually, being a teenager is hard enough anyway! You don't need to feel you have to come to terms with it. Just explore it. That's all you have to do. You may kiss a few frogs before you find a princess. Who cares, it will all be worth it, I promise!!!

All great adventurers never knew what they would find until they started out. Start exploring!!

We will also want to know how your dates turn out!!! We are here for you!

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 3198
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted February 26, 2009 09:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
I, too, think there's something in the air as of late. I struggle with depression, but lately it's hit me pretty hard... without any seemingly real cause.

Cheshirekat... I'm sorry you're going through what you are going through. You pull my heartstrings. Usually when I'm in the midst of a "life congestion" I find it most helpful to sit back and wait just a bit for tensions to lessen somewhat. And from there it usually becomes more apparent what I need to do next.

Don't be afraid to "do nothing" if you feel you can't move. Even just being right where you are is doing something.

Take care, dear.

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lalalinda
Moderator

Posts: 4005
From: nevada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted February 26, 2009 10:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalalinda     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.--Dr. Suess

sending you a hug

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4735
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted February 26, 2009 10:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Theres' definitely something going around....it's hitting me and a lot of people in my life as well.

Theres nothing wrong with being a lesbian, in fact I will tell you as a gay person, that being gay makes you unique, special. In my mind it makes you one of Christs "meek" and brings you closer to go if anything. We are persecuted and marginalized by society, and I believe for our suffering we have a deeper experience. I hope things get better for u.

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cheshirekat
Knowflake

Posts: 109
From: wonderland
Registered: Jan 2009

posted February 26, 2009 01:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cheshirekat     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you everyone for your support and advice it means alot to me and Im really glad I got this off my chest because it's been eating me up for so long. It's good to know I can come here and open up about these things instead of bottling them up, Im really happy I found LL and such wonderful and caring people. I hope I can return all the love and support you guys have given me in this thread, double the scoop of love and support to all of you who said you were under this same kind of influence too.

I just know theres going to be a brighter day for all of us through these cloudy days.

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BlueRoamer
Knowflake

Posts: 4735
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003

posted February 26, 2009 07:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueRoamer     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks for your optimism cheshire, it's needed right now.

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