posted April 16, 2009 11:52 AM            

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, the customer leaves, and sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. He asks. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

posted April 17, 2009 09:31 AM            

We were ready to watch a movie with my seven-year-old daughter, and

she was getting impatient with all the opening credits. “Mom, what is

this movie about? Mom? Mom? What is it? Mom??” I said - “Well, the

best way to find out is to …” and I paused, waiting for her to finish

with “… watch it”. But instead, she said, without missing a beat, “…

look it up on the Internet”. At first, I was alarmed. Is this where

the society is going? Skimming the movie summary instead of watching

the movie, browsing the Amazon reviews instead of reading the book,

reading newsclips through Brijit instead of reading the New Yorker and

the Economist…But then I realized that not everything was lost. She

watched the movie (it was The Underdog) with great pleasure, and then

watched it again the next day, and, as far as I know, was planning to

watch it next weekend as well. So knowing what the movie was about did

not spoil the pleasure for her. In fact, it made it more fun, because

it removed the anxiety of not knowing how it would end. Having the

pre-existing framework of the movie content allowed her to focus on

the action. Which means that after reading Amazon reviews, when she

starts reading them, she probably will read the books. There is hope

posted May 27, 2009 07:42 AM            

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

"This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day."


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

posted June 14, 2009 02:20 PM              

Even in your own language, it is difficult to catch accurately the words of a song if they are not written down in front of you, and in France, which imports most of its music from the US or UK, there is even a word for the appropriation of lyrics.
It is "yaourt", or "to yoghurt".
You start singing confidently... and then trail off into inarticulate "yoghurting" when your lexicon runs dry.
As far as I understand it, so long as you look slightly pained and shut your eyes while you yoghurt, you seem to get away with it.
Some years ago, an Irish friend of mine was on a French exchange in Paris and was hanging out with some of the local teenagers.
Desperate to impress her, they began to reel off their repertoire of English songs.
They said their favourite was a hit by Queen that they had picked up on the radio - I believe the original version was called I Want to Break Free - but unfortunately, the boys knew only the yoghurt version.
Although retaining the original passion, it had lost a little of the sense. It went: I Want a Steak Frites, I Want a Steak Frites.

Mispronunciations can have embarrassing consequences.
A French friend of mine, preparing a few snacks to hand round at an English drinks party, implored her guests to help themselves to nipples.
My father once returned from a trip to France complaining bitterly that the French had just laughed at him when he had tried to ask for directions to the railway station.
A few probing questions revealed that he had not asked for la gare at all - he had asked for la guerre (the war) - and the locals were simply hysterical at the idea of this white-haired, would-be combatant showing up for duty 65 years too late.
But it can happen to the best of us.
Madame de Gaulle was said to have been lunching with the American ambassador at the time of her husband's retirement when she was asked what she was most looking forward to in the years ahead.
She thought for a moment before announcing boldly: "A penis". A startled hush fell over the table until the former president leant over and said: "My dear, I think it's pronounced 'happiness'."
Speak in French, wrote Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass, when you cannot remember the English for a thing.
But there are many faux amis (false friends) to be wary of in English and French.

posted August 06, 2009 09:06 PM            

Mars in Aries:
Pure, raw, unself-censored force. Conan the Barbarian, aggressive. Close-range, hand-to-hand combat.
Mars in the First House:
He will take a stand physically guarding what he wants to eat first.

Mars in Taurus:
He will never approach the table poorly prepared. He is richly pocketed and carries every conceivable dining implement for any contingency.
Mars in the Second House:
He will fight for his morsel and/or self-esteem.

Mars in Gemini:
A mouth warrior. He will talk about what he's going eat and how he's going to eat it, but he's so busy talking about it that he *forgets* to eat.
Mars in the Third House:
It's just the idea of eating for eating's sake.

Mars in Cancer:
The knife and fork of this Mars are like the sword Excalibur, lying beneath the surface, emerging only in a moment of extreme temptation.
Mars in the Fourth House:
He will eat when cornered, for home, family, heritage and territory. Eating is in his genes.

Mars in Leo:
He loves a parade, festivities, mariachi bands, wearing his heart (cholesterol count) on his sleeve for all to see. Colourful splatters of food on his tie. Every battle takes on epic proportions (of weight). He will select his food first, even if he's not first in line, and take two helpings to boot, too, because, well, he deserves it.... :-) [SS]
Mars in the Fifth House:
He will fight for the right to be there first because he has to take home a doggie bag for the children. If his children are there with him, then they will be able to take as much of whatever they want as they please and, if they then turn around and pitch some of it at the other guests, he will smile indulgently. [BT]

Mars in Virgo:
The Zen gourmand. A pure martial artist who picks through the veggies and never wastes a move. Sir Galahad the only knight pure enough to reach the Holy Grail of fat-free delicacies.
Mars in the Sixth House:
He takes a stand in front of the cream puffs for his integrity, not letting you touch it either.

Mars in Libra:
Solomon in judgement. He raises his sword to smite the poor unfortunate about to take more than his share, knowing that justice will prevail.
Mars in the Seventh House:
His fight is for fairness: Keep in line everybody ... there's more than enough to go around ...

Mars in Scorpio:
The terminator. Dark, watchful and dangerous. He strikes suddenly, ruthlesly and for keeps ... this table is *Mine,* he says, as he drives his fork into the wood grain and grins menacingly at the others waiting in line. [BT]
Mars in the Eighth House:
He will fight for ultimate survival --- food is his sanity, his soul, his sexuality. A little heavy on the raw oysters in the halfshell and ginseng syrup perhaps, but then that's what life is all about, eh? [BT]

Mars in Sagittarius:
The crusader. He travelled all the way over to this banquet from long distances just to pursue his quest for the truth: Is the paté as good as they say? He accumulates exotic morsels on his journey. Faith is his shield; his weapon of choice is long-range: knife and fork poised like an archer to hone in on that last piece of lox on a matzoth.
Mars in the Ninth House:
He fights for his belief that fish-oil is good for the skin. More lox please.

Mars in Capricorn:
The seasoned veteran. He is a practical strategist. Like a Roman warrior he leaves behind not only conquest, but nothing left on the table (after he's reconstructed the banquet-hall, the building it is in and the road and bridges leading to the festivities). He imposes structure on anarchy in the food-line.
Mars in the Tenth House:
He will fight for his ambitions to host a better banquet next year.

Mars in Aquarius:
The warrior from the future --- high tech, electrified ... or the guerrilla-rebel setting off unexpected bombs (too much garlic and beans?). The Che Guevara in the food line. She will bring along a bevy of her friends and together they will raid the table and carry off the loot. [SS]
Mars in the Eleventh House:
He fights for human rights, equality, friendship and connection --- handing you the last piece of stuffed eggplant if you'll donate to his cause.

posted September 03, 2009 01:29 PM            

You young people go ahead and laugh you too will be there before you know it.

Subject: A few good Senior Moments

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

posted September 05, 2009 11:26 AM            

redneck limo

posted September 05, 2009 11:29 AM            

#3?

posted September 05, 2009 11:34 AM            

Mansion

Ely Epifany concentrates on his best shot

posted October 29, 2009 01:19 AM            

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

____________

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

____________
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

_____________________
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

________________________
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

_____________________________
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

_________________
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

posted June 16, 2010 12:40 PM            

"This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble!"

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER"

posted July 23, 2010 12:35 AM            

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign---- What you be after you be eight.

Artery----- The study of painting.

Bacteria ---- Back door to cafeteria.

Barium ---- What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section----- A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan ---- Searching for kitty.

Cauterize ---- Made eye contact with her.

Colic ------ A sheep dog.

Coma ---- A punctuation mark.

D&C ----- Where Washington is.

Dilate ------- To live long.

Duct Tape------ Suture on a roll.

Enema ---- Not a friend.

Fester --- Quicker than someone else.

Fibula ------ A small lie.

G.I. Series----- World series of military baseball.

Hangnail ---- What you hang your coat on.

Impotent ------- Distinguished, well known.

Labor ------ Pain Getting hurt at work.

Medical staff------- A doctor's cane.

Morbid ---- A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates ------ Cheaper than day rates.

Outpatient ---- Aperson who has fainted.

Pap ------ Smear A fatherhood test.

Pelvis ------- Second cousin to Elvis.

Post operative ------ A letter carrier.

Recovery room ------- - Place to do upholstery.

Rectum ------ Dam near killed him.

Secretion----- Hiding something
Seizure--- Roman Emperor.

Tablet-- A small table.

Terminal illness ---- Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor ----- More than one.

Urine ---- Opposite of your out.

posted May 15, 2011 07:37 AM            

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"