From: new york
Registered: Dec 2005
posted March 07, 2006 09:35 PM
I am lost. I just broke off all the contacts with this Aries guy that i was writing about in my previous post. my mind said to me do it, my heart fells it's wrong. I sill care and love him. H is born MArch 23 1973 time of birth i think is 11 am, I am march 3rd 1974, 6:00-6:30am. I don't know if the place of birth is nessasary.(I was crying three days, my eyes hurt me. I lost one guy to suiside 6 years ago. Thought I will neve love again. Here I am, with broken heart again. I can't figure him out. Does it matter that he was raised by his mom alone, he doesn't remember his dad. Can this affect him in such way that he might be gay or bisexual? (E has lots of gay friends, he is very creative, graphic designer.)Plus he is seriously into cycling
Although I was with him a while ago, and I have seen his "little friend" was all excited, etc. OR he might be attracted to older women because of that? (He had an older oriental girlfriend years ago)
"I am lost and confused"! that what he said to me a while ago. I actually was so fed up with all his b-ll sh-t, so this week i e-mailed him and said everything I think of him, and I have no will to be his puppy no more, because he takes me for granted. I said don't talk to me anymore don't call. He didn't. Afrer three weeks my Aries guy called, and we talked. He said that he doesn't want to loose me and that he likes me a lot and I am always in his heart, however he is not ready to settle down yet(I mean marriage)maybe like in 2-3 years! and he says that he doesn't want a casual relationship. I don't know what's exacty means casual?
And he said that the more he sees me, the more he wants me and he gets use to me, so that's why he kept a distance from me. He doesn't want to hurt me. I really didn't exptected such a turn of things. I said: "So what am I suppose to do?", wait for you? I said so now we are going only talk on the phone? I am going to be 32yrs old and my crazy jewish family will not understand how can I a nice jewish girl sit and wait around? He says he understands, ect
I still care for him so much, God knows. I guess I am up for a challenge.
He doesn't want to hurt me by having casual relationship (guess it means casual sex) I am a bit confused though. I mean he said that there is a lot of things right now in his life that he can't think about settling down. what kind of things a 33 yrs guy has? A financial stability?! hobby(7 days a week cycling?!) Well I asked him to define me what is casual relationship for him, he answered that it's not only about sex. And also he said that I wouldn't able to tolerate this kind of relationship, simply becasuse I get emotionaly involved.(Pisces) and also he said that he is not ready to be emotionaly involved righ now.
Now, maybe he got hurt before and now he is so afraid to get emotionaly involved?
So, now what we are going to talk on the phone all the time. I kind of mentioned to him that it's ok, i can be your friend no strings attashed ,no feelings. But I do , i do have feelings.
Do you think I have scared him with my marriage talks, and how old i am getting etc. He said that I will not be able to handle FWB deal. He will actually won't hurt me this way, and he will not respect me or himself for that matter, and I will not have respect for him if he'll do it to me. so, even casual relationship that he mentioned(including sex, going out, hang out)this all will make him want me more and get use to me, and he afraids of that. Ha? so, now what only phone talks? Thats crazy, I am going crazy! But I do want to be intimate with him, kiss me, love him. WHY IS IT WHEN TWO PEOPLE LIKE EACH OTHER A LOT BUT THEY CAN'T BE TOGETHER? WHY LIFE IS SO NOT FARE?
After all the questions I had for him this was his final e-mail to me:
I'm going to be very blunt, frank, strait forward --- you need to get a job! so that you have less time to get emotional... how's that going? the job search?
just like I said to you earlier, i m not ready.., i don't want to... I'm not interested in "that"..., my mind is not there right now... sometimes a cigarette is just a cigarette, if you have heard this one before!
leave it alone...
let it go and don't spoil it again....
time will show if it's meant to be. All the other emails you have sent, about waiting for the right time and person, destination, true love and etc... stop questioning the faith too much, you are not in the position to do so, no one is... God is the only one, leave it up to him, and make best out of it. But most off all, if you don't want to drive people crazy, get busy! Get busy helping others instead off concentrating on yourself. Instead of perfecting yourself thru yourself, you will se that the world will help you to prefect yourself from the outside... You're a human and you meant to be part of the outer world just as much as the inner. Try to reach out to others .. and not only thru gifts or trying to "dictate" them your believes and ideas, but also by simply trying to understand them and giving them room in your life and mind the way the would like it to be part of it... otherwise you will force people to run away and keep a distance... this is my truly, friendly advice.... life can't just evolve around you only, be part of it and don't isolate by believes that have been written by some other self-centered people... People suck!, but what makes you a better person is not that you try to isolate them from your life or let them know who much they suck, but simply giving them a chance to be part of your world and let them learn at their pace, even if is at the cost of lifetime... You have a good sole, but let others to find it out...
hope you understand...
After that he called to wish me a Happy Birthday(MArch 3rd), and today is March7th called me just to chat! I was kind of cold to him, he didn't understand actually my moodiness.
One interesteting thing he said to me today is that he wouldn't mind moving back in with his mom. (Since he see her once a month.) I asked why ? He said because he doesn't have a special someone! Oh my God, I am right here? But no, he wants someone special in his life but doesn't do anything about that!
Looser! He is in denial for sure!
What is he trying to do ? I am hurt here and he is keeping me on the slow burner? Should I tell him to call me when he is totaly desided what to do and knows for sure?
Soory for such a long post.