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Author Topic:   I am a BIG stupid idiot
Motherkonfessor
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Posts: 1097
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Registered: Oct 2003

posted January 04, 2007 02:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
set the scene, New Year's Eve...

you know, I have heard that whomever you are with and whatever you do on this night (yeah, I know, arbitrary number on a calendar that means nothing) sets the stage for the year...

(thats why i clean my place and sweep on new years, to get rid of negative energy.. yet i think resolutions are lame)

i was overtired, overworked, feeling pissy and mopey...

listening to all the wrong, emotionally gut wrenching songs, getting drunk out of some sort of holiday obligation to myself...allowing myself to be angry and hurt at all the catastrophic screw-ups with Mr. Wrong...

and Mr. Wrong is at my door.

I see in his eyes, all the things we haven't said, won't say, can't face.

oh, the nostalgia, oh, the overwrought tragedy.

Cue here- "stupid girl" by Garbage.

He called me beautiful, told me that everytime he was with me, it meant something.. i meant something.

yup, i am a big stupid idiot. I slept with him. Bad mojo for the New Year.

Why, why... can't I get away from this person- Mr. Wrong- Mr. I-can't possibly-commit-because-i hate-my-life-and want-to-die...

goddess, let me go- I don't need his karma, too.

ACKKK.

Thanks for listening.

MK

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eatbooks
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Posts: 619
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Registered: Dec 2006

posted January 04, 2007 02:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for eatbooks     Edit/Delete Message
I can relate to what youre feeling,
I didnt know about the new years thing setting the stage of the year...fccck if I had known that I wouldnt have talked to someone I shouldnt talk to....

Im guessing this is the same guy you were with for years(past posts?)

------------------
your pain is my pain, is that love?

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Lauren
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Posts: 1158
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Registered: Aug 2005

posted January 04, 2007 02:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lauren     Edit/Delete Message
-

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Motherkonfessor
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Posts: 1097
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Registered: Oct 2003

posted January 04, 2007 03:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
ah yes- years and years- almost 10. and i am not so old, either.

all the horrid, wretched things 2 people can do to each other- have been done.

and yet, i asked him to come over the next day- and he did.

its not love.
not anymore. love died this past summer.
i just wish... i wish he could find hope in himself.

... sorry to hear about the bugs... that sucks!!

MK

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eatbooks
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posted January 04, 2007 03:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for eatbooks     Edit/Delete Message
that sucks Lauren...I couldnt sleep with bugs, id be freaking out....


live and learn...
10 years? thats longer than most marriages....

------------------
your pain is my pain, is that love?

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OzMeg222
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Posts: 952
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Registered: Jul 2006

posted January 04, 2007 07:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for OzMeg222     Edit/Delete Message
I've had a few strange new years in the past but I don't think they really mean much in the scheme of things. Try not to dwell on it and don't repeat past mistakes!

But if I'm gonna begin the new year the way I started it I'm in for an interesting year!

Was at home with the kids and asleep by 11pm lol. The local fireworks woke me up momentarily though. I got up new years day, then had another nap and for some bizarre reason cleaned out every single cupboard in my house and scrubbed the rest. I was so pleased with myself thought that was a great start to the year!

My pisces-boy was away with his family for new years but I'm getting my new years kiss tomorrow night I'm liking this year already!

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sue g
Knowflake

Posts: 8591
From: former land of the leprechaun
Registered: Sep 2004

posted January 04, 2007 08:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
MK

Dont be too hard on yerself girl.....that could happen to any of us....

I understand this totally. YOu were together a long time...maybe you just needed to go through this experience to make QUITE sure...

Edit to say I think sometimes its a case of going back for one more go......if you see what I mean?

Happy New Year to you...

p.s. you aint an iditot, just human like the rest of us!

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miss_muffet
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Posts: 826
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posted January 04, 2007 06:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for miss_muffet     Edit/Delete Message
Maybe... just maybe... subconsciously, you needed him as much as he needed you. Even just for one night...

Holidays like Christmas and New Year have a knack of stiring up feelings of needing to be touched... wanted and needed.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

MM

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 6058
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted January 04, 2007 08:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
MK ~

Please forgive yourself, sweep again, and walk on, looking forward into the future. You were vulnerable that night and Mr Wrong is familiar -- wrong, but familiar. MM is so right about the holidays stirring up feelings of needing to be touched, needing to be needed by a special loved one.....

You are NOT an idiot -- your strength just wavered temporarily. New Years Day was the end for you two, I can feel it. I bet this encounter has given you renewed resolve to banish Mr Wrong from your thoughts, from your heart, from your life from this moment on. He is, after all, *Mr Wrong* -- and sooner or later we all learn to let go of people and things that are wrong for us. tSaturn is sextiling your nMoon -- cafeastrology saith this can give you the ability to manage relationships with realism, practicality and maturity

{{hugs}} Zala

**edit PS:

quote:
i just wish... i wish he could find hope in himself.
That's a generous and loving way to be, MK -- but is sending him your positive energy (wishing him hope) like this something you really want to be doing?? Mr Wrong needs to find hope in himself -- it's something you can't get from other people. Maybe he will, maybe he won't find that hope, but this is one task he needs to do all on his onesies.....

Lauren ~

Insectopia!!

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MysticMelody
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Posts: 3066
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posted January 05, 2007 12:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
Now go be idiotic with a new cute guy... preferably younger and in leather pants... I guess it doesn't matter who is wearing the pants...
Wellllllll... you don't have to be COMPLETELY idiotic, but at least a little??? You've decided about a hundred times that this guy is bad bad bad news. Time to move on! I say go get your flirt on, and wait for further guidance from the Universe.

New hairstyle.
New outfit.
Go dancing.
Girlfriend's orders!!!!!!!!

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pixelpixie
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Posts: 5158
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted January 05, 2007 02:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
So... um.... this begs the question....

Did you at least have many orgasms?

I mean, you really set the scene there, I would've caved too, no matter what that meant after.....

I can't believe I'm the only shallow one here.

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MysticMelody
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posted January 05, 2007 02:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
LOL You aren't shallow Pix! Just pregnant and HORNY!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Oh, whew, I can't believe I stayed up this late, but you just made it worth it!!!! hehehehehe

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sue g
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Posts: 8591
From: former land of the leprechaun
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posted January 05, 2007 05:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
I probably would have caved too Pix

We are not shallow, we are just very passionate and HORNY

Oh what the feck, we only live once, well that aint true but you know what I mean?

Yeah how many orgasms?

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Motherkonfessor
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Posts: 1097
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Registered: Oct 2003

posted January 05, 2007 10:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
Alllright ladies.... pull up a chair.

I am heavily fortified with a half bottle of Piesporter wine (don't try this at home- I am sure this sweet, sweet wine is going to give me a raging headache tomorrow. i love this stuff) AND my first ever LUSH bath..

..have y'all heard of LUSH? go to the website now.
Seriously, now.
I am so blissed out the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could come knocking and I would great them with a packet of condoms and a grin...

ANYWAYS....

First, thanks for all the kind reassurances that I am not, in fact, a BIG stupid idiot. I am just a girl with a 10 year history and a raging libido. In fact, I had sworn myself to a vow of celibacy for a year, starting last September.

That's shot to sh!t, I guess.

eatbooks- yup, this is the homeboy I have ranted about in previous posts.

'Zala- thanks, dear. Yes, I can forgive myself- but I know damn well the reason the universe hasn't presented a better, healthier option is because I still have dude around. That's why I feel stupid. I was doing SO WELL.

Ok, now the fun stuff... pix and sue g....

Ever listen to Portishead? If not, everyone should.... its tragic, dark, slightly disturbing and raunchy in a dirty yet irresistible way.

its the soundtrack to this relationship.

many, many orgasms. Oh yeah. At least, I think 3 that evening and once the next morning is a pretty good ratio for 8 hours.

like coming home.

(to a bordello, perhaps...)

We always have great sex. if it wasn't for that- i imagine i would have moved on long ago.
When we lived together, it was usually 2 or 3 times a day, with lots of physical affection as well. Sounds almost pathological, doesn't it? Quite fun, however..

Tell me- those of you with loving, long term relationships- can you maintain this level of physical intimacy as well as emotional and mental? I thought the sex part went away- it never did. 10 years from now I would still probably get naked with him if we were alone for 30 minutes.

We are (were?) best friends, have great sex, like the same stuff, same religious beliefs, share same views on politics, family, kids, fashion, music, pop culture.. yada yada yada...

if its not love, what the H@LL is it???

That's why I can never see this clearly.


thanks everyone, for being here....


MK

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Motherkonfessor
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posted January 05, 2007 10:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Motherkonfessor     Edit/Delete Message
MM...

my weakness has always been younger guys in leather pants...

maybe now I should look for an older guy who will buy me leather!!

MK

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teaologist
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Posts: 627
From: New York
Registered: Sep 2006

posted January 06, 2007 01:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teaologist     Edit/Delete Message
Hehe hell *yeh*, MK.

'Doubled up inside,
Take awhile to shed my grief,
Always doubled up inside,
Taunted, cruel...
the blackness of darkness forever'

and

'can anybody see the light,
Where the morn meets the dew,
And the tide rises,
Did you realise no one can see inside your view
Did you realise, for why this sight belongs to you'

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MysticMelody
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Posts: 3066
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posted January 06, 2007 06:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
Nah... just keep holding out for the one in your dreams. Don't settle for leather pants or money to buy leather. It's just dead cow, after-all... hehe (I know that isn't what you mean) But, fate has it's reasons, ya know? Keep the faith
Just ask what you are meant to learn and keep asking and keep paying attention. Everything will begin to fall into place if you are sincere.

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~jane_says~
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Posts: 145
From: SD
Registered: Jul 2005

posted January 09, 2007 03:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ~jane_says~     Edit/Delete Message
Love Portishead...the soundtrack to your relationship? Wow how erotic...Reminds me of my two year fling with this Pisces, which was detrimental in so many ways--all due to my stupid libido. I'd have to say 10 years, that's some intensity that I have yet to know. My Virgo keeps me on my feet which really surprises me. I hope we make the 10 mile marker...My new years sucked as well, being pregnant while my bf and my in-laws partied the night away. Sober last year, sober this year. I hope none of this effects the direction of my new year...oh hell no...anywho..your new year's night reminds me of that Sheryl Crow song, My favorite mistake. So irresistable but yet so wrong. Hope it gets better. Many blessings to you.

------------------
"If you believe, you can achieve." Tupac

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