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Author Topic:   Love & Marriage
Meduza
Knowflake

Posts: 159
From:
Registered: Feb 2008

posted July 14, 2008 03:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
Hi,

I would like to hear your opinion regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I donít believe that itís supposed to disappear permanently.

I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?

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koiflower
Knowflake

Posts: 1794
From: Australia
Registered: Jun 2008

posted July 15, 2008 02:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for koiflower     Edit/Delete Message

Each coupledom has its own merits and demerits. Each woman has her own reason for leaving. And wait for it..... people marry for different reasons!! I would give anything to look deep inside the minds of people for their reasons for tying the knot.

You've asked a great question!!! My generic answer would be "Yes, they have fallen out of love - if they were ever in it in the first place"

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side. Sometimes the grass IS greener! Sometimes the partner's true colours just aren't as bright as you remembered, and in fact, their soul looks a putrid bleak gray and you only started to notice last year!

Sometimes money is the issue.
Sometimes sex is boring.
Sometimes there is still past baggage weighing the person down.
Sometimes people just leave for a 'break', then realise they had it good all along, and return 'home'.

Love is a two way thing requiring attraction, respect and service to each other. The scales may tip where one forgets these little acts of kindness.

People can evolve and grow apart. Health and spiritual connection can change a person's 'frequency' and people just don't respond to that different vibration.

So many reasons for leaving!

It's not a mistake if your wings spread and you start to fly!!!!!

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 654
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted July 15, 2008 03:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
Ah Meduza. I have written this somewhere else before but having been married three times, I can honestly say that it took me three marriages to realise that my happiest times were/am when I'm not.

I just always felt (or realised,strangely only after they finished) like half a person.
My energy had always been eroded away and the day after the three of them ended I woke with a song in my heart!
I felt like I had been liberated.

And they weren't particularly bad men. I finished all three (although the last one did give me a reason) but when he did my heart soared.
I thought "Now I am free again"
Having said this am I cynical?
Not at all.
No one enjoys weddings more for the hope and promise they bring.

It would be wonderful to have a partner who reciprocated your energy and with whom together you were stronger.
In my case however I found my the opposite.
I wanted someone to enhance my already happy life and me to enhance theirs.
Sadly no.
But hope springs eternal!!!!

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 654
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted July 15, 2008 03:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
P.S. I am an Aquarian.
That might have a lot to do with it!!!

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Jugular
Knowflake

Posts: 200
From: New York, NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted July 15, 2008 06:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Jugular     Edit/Delete Message
My thought, having seen this in a few couple I've known, and now having experienced it firsthand in my own marriage, is that very often one partner remains spiritually stagnant and the other one grows, which results in the evolving partner feeling like there's no one to talk to about important issues -- and no JOY left in this union. The marriage can become very unfulfilling (painfully so), causing the evolving person to "fall out of love" with the stagnant person. Sometimes the evolving person can't even bear to have sex anymore with the other person, because the initial attraction was based on what you thought they were and now that you've come back down to earth, you realize there's not much there that resonates with you. I don't think it's a mistake to leave that kind of situation. I think it's an imperative. The problem lots of us face is the presence of children and the handwringing about what a divorce will do to their fragile psyches.

The only thing my husband could do to rekindle the love I had is, well -- completely change as a person, stop freaking out when one of his material possessions gets scratched or otherwise damaged, stop waking up depressed every day, etc. And I don't think he's doing a 180 any time soon.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 654
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted July 15, 2008 09:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
I'd say that was it in a nutshell Jug!!

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Got Gemini?
Knowflake

Posts: 1152
From: Mercury
Registered: Jul 2007

posted July 15, 2008 09:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Got Gemini?     Edit/Delete Message
I'll be back for this one. I could write a book on this lol. I've been married for almost 6 years and the end is in sight.

------------------
Virgo Asc & Mars
Gemini Sun
Libra Moon (conjunct Pluto 0ļ in 2nd house)
Gemini Mercury
Cancer Venus

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Meduza
Knowflake

Posts: 159
From:
Registered: Feb 2008

posted July 15, 2008 10:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
Jugular,

Thanks for your feedback...

Bunnies & Flower, will comment later : )

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seveneieghtorange
Knowflake

Posts: 427
From: atlanta, georgia
Registered: Jan 2005

posted July 21, 2008 08:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for seveneieghtorange     Edit/Delete Message
I dont think that falling out love with someone, when married is a cop-out. Everyone has their own free will, if they have fallen out of love with someone that they have married, be honest and up front about it and do what needs to be done in best interest of all parties. I know this might sound easier said than done and most people will probably call me idealistic, but I really think this is the best way to bow down to something sacred like marriage. Making sure that 'this' is what you really want, you know deep in your heart that all your energy in the marriage has been spent and you cannot go any further.

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robyn.c
Knowflake

Posts: 214
From: england
Registered: Dec 2007

posted July 22, 2008 05:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for robyn.c     Edit/Delete Message
its these sort of opinions (and they are not wrong) that make me not believe in marriage. when people used to say they didnt believe in marriage i never understood. not that marriage is outdated but one of you will always be comprimised.

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LetsDance
Knowflake

Posts: 288
From: Where there's dancing...
Registered: Mar 2006

posted July 22, 2008 01:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LetsDance     Edit/Delete Message
I'm Aquarian, however, I've never been married so I don't have first-hand experience with the subject. However, from what I'm seeing, it doesn't so much look like people have "fallen out of love" with their spouse, but maybe they themselves feel their spouse has either fallen out of love with them or they feel their spouse doesn't love them anymore they way they did in beginning and that is what the former is looking for. One is not feeling loved or understood by their spouse and that hurts and is discouraging.

I don't know what vows anyone took at the alter, but the traditional ones appear to be very self-sacrificing. That your love is unconditional and not contingent on the other person reciprocating such, (even though they are vowing the same thing and you have a right to expect them to honor their word). You are vowing to love them and stay with them no matter what for the rest of your life.

This seems easier said than done, I see. I guess that's why people should really understand the level of commitment that they are making to the other and decide, before they tie the knot, that they are are going to stick by their word, regardless as to whether the other person will or not. Marriage is a covenant. It is serious and not idealistic. Relationships take work and we should work for each other and not against.

I'm not pointing the finger at anyone here, so please don't take my comments personally.

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Meduza
Knowflake

Posts: 159
From:
Registered: Feb 2008

posted July 22, 2008 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
LetsDance, I agree with the second half of your post.

Not so sure about the reasons you list as to why one can fall out of love. There are many reasons how or why that might happen.

Will elaborate later when I find more time.

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LetsDance
Knowflake

Posts: 288
From: Where there's dancing...
Registered: Mar 2006

posted July 22, 2008 03:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LetsDance     Edit/Delete Message
Hey Medusa, the second part is kind of a segue to first. Koriflower states several reasons why people end their marriage. To me, it all looks like the love is based on emotion, and not so much on a heart decision. Since I've never been married, I've been asked, however, I guess I just knew I wasn't ready to make that kind of heart commitment to someone. At those times, I would be too dependent on their honoring their vows in order for me to honor mine, instead of my just honoring my vows regardless.

I'll try to explain the first part of my post. Here I'm saying that the person who has fallen out of love with their spouse may feel that their spouse is unable or doesn't want to appreciate the growth of the other. In the beginning, much attention was given to the other person and this translated as love. Both were willing and seeking to get to know and understand each other in order to build a loving, lasting relationship. Perhaps as time went on, this attention has been diverted to other things, not necessarily lost, because love is energy and energy can not be lost, just transferred, therefore, one may feel they are no longer the object of the others affection/attention.

I'm reaching here, sorry. Like I said, I've never been married so I couldn't possibly know how devastating or discouraging this could be or even if I am on the right track. I just think that if I vow something to someone, I need to mean it because of how I feel about myself...I'm the one I am responsible of controlling**


**(By "controlling", I'm not implying that we control the other person here, just lack of a better word at the moment).

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Meduza
Knowflake

Posts: 159
From:
Registered: Feb 2008

posted July 22, 2008 03:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
Hi LetsDance,

I understood and fully apprecaitaed your post. All I was saying is the scenario you mention, in my opinion, is one of many possible ones. I wasn't dismissing it altogether : )

Have more to add later : )

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Lara
Knowflake

Posts: 3762
From: London
Registered: Mar 2006

posted July 22, 2008 04:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lara     Edit/Delete Message
I think that (having been married and divorced twice) that many of us go into marriage without true love for OURSELVES.

We look for it in another and then one day realize that it isn't there... and the reason its not there is a lack of love for the self

Personally, the reason my marriages failed is due to marital suffocation which I don't do well!

I prefer to just be, let my love just be and just be... together

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 654
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted July 22, 2008 04:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
I love that term Lara..."Marital Suffocation"

"You see Your Honour, I am suffering with a bad case of marital suffocation"

Or it sounds like one of those t.v ads.
"Have you been a victim of marital suffocation?
If so call Marital Airways Direct on 0800 310 310 and we will help you breath again!

I have had three episodes of marital suffocation.
It's just the exact term for it!
"Why did you split up?
"Oh you know,the usual.....marital suffocation!
Practically needed an inhaler the whole time!

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LetsDance
Knowflake

Posts: 288
From: Where there's dancing...
Registered: Mar 2006

posted July 22, 2008 06:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LetsDance     Edit/Delete Message
Medusa, to my way of thinking, my post does not target one particular scenario that could end a marriage, but the heart of the reason for many, if not all, scenarios.

But again, this is just my opinion.

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LetsDance
Knowflake

Posts: 288
From: Where there's dancing...
Registered: Mar 2006

posted July 22, 2008 06:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LetsDance     Edit/Delete Message
Lara, you make a good point. In the Bible the husband is commanded to love his wife as he loves his own self, and no man hates his own flesh. So to have a healthy sense of self-love provides a solid foundation from which to build.

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wheelsofcheese
Knowflake

Posts: 1597
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2008

posted July 23, 2008 05:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for wheelsofcheese     Edit/Delete Message
Bunnies, you kill me, so funny.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 654
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted July 23, 2008 03:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
wheels Haven't you just had a bout of marital suffocation?
How are you feeling hun?
Is life looking any rosier at the moment or are you still in that
Keep moving keep moving, don't stop to think phase?

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blue moon
Moderator

Posts: 5034
From: U.K
Registered: Dec 2007

posted July 26, 2008 06:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue moon     Edit/Delete Message
'fallen out of love' could be a wrapped up way of saying 'got bored' or it could be the more-like-brother-and-sister scenario.

I've never been in the situation where I've woken up and realised I don't have true feeling for my partner any more so I can't help out much. But I should imagine straight after that would come the feeling of worrying about the kids, and let's face it, thoughts about practicalities like

Just like everybody else.

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 654
From: U.K
Registered: Mar 2007

posted July 27, 2008 11:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message
I can remember the three times I fell out of love.
They would say or do something (not necessarily terribly bad) and I would feel the pilot light go out in my heart.
Just like that.
It would never end right at that moment but I would think "I don't feel anything for you anymore"
And then it would just be a short time after that it would end.
But I would know from that very moment it was all over.
As dead as dead could be.

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