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Author Topic:   Did I go too far for love?
Snookie
Knowflake

Posts: 45
From:
Registered: May 2008

posted July 16, 2008 09:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Snookie     Edit/Delete Message
,

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 6943
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted July 16, 2008 10:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
Snookie ~

Do you think that a person who *really* loves you would force you to have sex with him, and also allow others to force you too?? They took advantage of you, because you were drunk. Is this the mark of gentlemen??

Some questions:

Why do you love Bob?? You've not described ANY of his lovable qualities in this post.

Why do you think he might have told you not to tell anyone what he and those other boys did??

What do the words 'self-respect' mean to you??

Is your self-worth based on doing whatever boys want you to do and not screaming when they hurt you??

Can you get STD's from oral or anal unprotected sex??

What happens if you get pregnant??

I understand that you feel grateful to Bob for helping you to interact a little easier with others. But you don't owe him your body and especially not your heart. Please think about what 'love' means to you and decide if Bob fits your definition.

And please understand that if you are under 18, in many countries this would be called STATUTORY RAPE - sexual assault of a minor -- a felony offense.

quote:
So as long as I love him , I can forget about this and be happy about it right? Because I love him. & when I look back on it I will think it was a sacrifice for someone I love.
This comment made me genuinely nauseous, as in Sick To My Stomach. You know what happened wasn't right. Please listen to that little voice inside you -- the one that has been VIOLATED -- not the voice that's trying to rationalize away a crime done to your body and to your spirit.

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writesomething
Moderator

Posts: 1716
From: meet me in montauk
Registered: May 2006

posted July 16, 2008 10:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for writesomething     Edit/Delete Message
I dont know if this story is true or not. If it is, Im sorry. But my general instinct is calling BS. Too many details, and any person who has really gone thru that would NOT be talking about it on a message board so matter of factly.

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CoralBird
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From:
Registered: Jun 2007

posted July 16, 2008 10:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralBird     Edit/Delete Message
This was very difficult to read.

quote:
even though I sort of degraded myself - it was for him.

quote:
So as long as I love him , I can forget about this and be happy about it right? Because I love him. & when I look back on it I will think it was a sacrifice for someone I love.

This isnít love Snookie. Love does not ask that you to degrade yourself for anyone. Love is not something you want to forget and it is not something that you sacrifice your being for. It does not ask that you give up your self-respect. Maybe there is a part of you that gets provoked by unconventional s#x, but even this can be fulfilled by a loving partner. He is not a loving partner. He even knew it was wrong when he whispered in your ear to not tell anyone.

Please give serious thought as to whether you really think you love this man, because he is not worthy of it.

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Snookie
Knowflake

Posts: 45
From:
Registered: May 2008

posted July 16, 2008 10:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Snookie     Edit/Delete Message
"I dont know if this story is true or not. If it is, Im sorry. But my general instinct is calling BS. Too many details, and any person who has really gone thru that would NOT be talking about it on a message board so matter of factly."

Well, it was my first time what can I say? I feel details are needed since the whole point of this post is to ask if I really did go too far, and if I am wrong in this situation , or if Bob is wrong. But thankyou.

And I do believe I love him , i always think about him , i just want him to be happy . isnt that all that matters? i want him to be happy. i'd die for him . so whatever , i dont care about myself, i care about him. if hes happy i am. i love him.

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LetsDance
Knowflake

Posts: 69
From:
Registered: Mar 2006

posted July 16, 2008 10:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LetsDance     Edit/Delete Message
Snookie, BIG HUGS to you (((0)))

Maybe this may be hard for you to face, but you were raped, whether you are over 18 or not. OMG, my heart goes out to you. I think that if you sat down and gave this whole incident serious thought it could tear you apart. I wish I could offer you some words of comfort, because even though you think you consented to this, YOU DID NOT. You are unjustly blaming yourself for what happened because you trusted this man and now you think you are just as much at fault as he is.

YOU ARE NOT. Dear Snookie, I pray for heart and spirit to heal very quickly and that you have the courage to walk away from this and not plunge into self-hate. You are worth so, so much more. PLEASE understand that. This act was violent against your trust and those men will pay for what they did to you.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I say that with much love, dear.

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Azalaksh
Moderator

Posts: 6943
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004

posted July 16, 2008 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azalaksh     Edit/Delete Message
quote:
Well, it was my first time what can I say? I feel details are needed since the whole point of this post is to ask if I really did go too far, and if I am wrong in this situation , or if Bob is wrong. But thankyou.

And I do believe I love him , i always think about him , i just want him to be happy . isnt that all that matters? i want him to be happy. i'd die for him . so whatever , i dont care about myself, i care about him. if hes happy i am. i love him.


Just so this is clear:

BOB DID A WRONG BAD THING TO YOU. AND *YOU* ARE WRONG FOR BELIEVING THAT WHAT HE/THEY DID IS OK.

Why is making him happy all that matters?? What you want, and what you need, and why you are here on this planet in this lifetime are just as important as Bob, if not MORE important.

Why do you want to be a doormat, a THING to be used up and tossed away?? Have you thought about the reputation you will gain if you continue to be a slave to Bob's desires?? How attractive do you think subservience and repressing *your* feelings and needs is?? You say you don't care about yourself, you care about him. If you can't/don't love yourself, then you CANNOT really love another human being.

Why do you want to die for a man who RAPED you??

Do you feel that only when other people (men) are "happy" does your life have value and meaning??

How did it happen that you lost all your pride, and your sense of self-preservation and self-worth, Snookie??

It seems to me that you don't want anyone's help here -- you just want validation, you want to be told that Bob is really a good boy deep down and deserves your "love." A boy who took advantage of you when you were drunk is NOT A GOOD PERSON, SNOOKIE. His behavior, and the behavior of the others, was DESPICABLE.

Here is the phone number and website for the National Rape Crisis/Sexual Assault Hotline:

1-800-656-HOPE (no charge, toll-free)
http://www.rainn.org/?gclid=COjT_cKBxpQCFQkmIgodpyXBkw

Please talk to a professional about what happened to you, so you can decide the best course to follow, and begin to heal from this experience.

Zala

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koiflower
Knowflake

Posts: 61
From: Australia
Registered: Jun 2008

posted July 20, 2008 07:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for koiflower     Edit/Delete Message
details have been edited out, but I get the general picture.

Snookie, please understand the advice given here by the others. They are mature and have life experience. These people are evolved souls and their advice is priceless.

Snookie, your self-esteem is low based on the quotes the others have left. I think you need to spend time with strong mature women who are positively actively involved in life. Learn from their self-esteem how to improve yours.

Please follow up on the rape counselling idea.

Once again, your self-esteem needs to improve, otherwise you are selling yourself off cheap and in a co-dependent way.

fill your heart, mind and soul with love for YOURSELF!!!!!! It is your duty and responsibilty to do so.

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CoralBird
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From:
Registered: Jun 2007

posted July 20, 2008 12:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CoralBird     Edit/Delete Message
Snookie,

I donít know if you are still reading this thread. I hope you are.

A close friend of mine was sexually abused in their mid teens. That person also denied it at the time and carried it well into their 40ís. It affected their intimate relationships and their emotional well-being for a good part of their life because they did not want to deal with it.

No one is judging you here. You asked for honesty, and if we didnít give it to you then we would be doing you harm.

I do hope that what everyone has said here evokes the anger in you to take the necessary actions to heal yourself.

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