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Author Topic:   how do i seperate myself completely from this person?
kaira
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posted March 27, 2009 08:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message

i need to leave him forever, but i can't seem to, i always go back, and it's doing my f***ing head in. he's no good for me, but i still love him. i can't let go of him and the 4 years years i've invested with him. i can't give in and move on, because i've been to hell and back with this relationship, and i feel that if there's no good coming out of it, then it was all for nothing. i went into serious depression and totally lost myself as i became obsessed and possessive and jealous and paranoid, and all these other things over him. i used to cry every damn night over little things, and i even lashed out at my friends and family, and just lost myself as a person. i can't even remember who i was before i met him. it's all a blur. a faded memory.

i'm in serious need of help, because i have this irritating feeling that i went through so much sh*t whilst being with him, all in the name of love, but now that i'm slowly recovering and becoming myself again, it's still not working out. we have good times together, and there's strong love between us, but he's no good for me, and i'm no good for him. i become on the verge of murdering him by the way he sometimes acts wth me, ignoring me and not considering my feelings and taking me for granted. also, early in our relationship he had a fling with someone else, and since then, as hard as i may try, i still can't get out that image that he might go with someone else again, even though he's changed and i see it, i can't let go of that. i'm constantly interrogating him, and asking him if he's with anyone else, even though he states he's completely mine.

i need to leave him, but i can't, i feel so weak. and the fact that he can just not have any contact with me for days, whilst i'm waiting beck and call for him to be with me, is annoying. i need CONTROL again, i don't want to be his b*tch anymore, i need him to miss me and want me, but he's so aloof, i feel like punching his face and giving him a good wake up call. he doesn't even realise how strong my love is for him, and how i've sacrificed so much of myself for him, how i devoted myself entirely, that even my studies took a toll and i failed two years in a row. all my mistake i know, but how dare he not even recognise my feelings for him. they're so strong sometimes i feel like i'm going to explode taking the world with me.

please, i really need advice on how to get away from him. it's not as easy as people suggest, there's always a pull i feel towards him, to just forgive him, give it another shot. i can't anymore, i can't trust him, i can't take his neglect, his aloofness, his mood swings, his mistreatment of me. i want to be in a place, a state of mind, where i don't even give a f*ck if he dates someone else after me, because as i hold onto these feelings, i'm killing myself slowly. i used to be such a optimistic, funny, bright person, but now i'm all reserved and quiet, and it takes much more time to trust people and gain friends. i have a hard time standing up for myself, or i may even overreact to certain things that didn't mean to cause any offense. it's all 'cause of this relationship, and i want it to be over now.

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LadyNeptune
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posted March 27, 2009 08:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LadyNeptune     Edit/Delete Message
Print this out and tape it to your fridge, carry it with you, read it whenever you get the urge to go back.

Time and distance really DO help.

Maybe see a therapist too.

Are you on the outside or inside?

Your synastry is very tense.

You should post this in the astrology section where you'll get a lot more responses.

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*lovely*
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posted March 27, 2009 11:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for *lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
is he the libra? you've got the mars moon conjunction, very intense emotionally...then virgo moon opp the sun doesn't get the cold emotion of the moon, at all.

you would have to make a decision and stick with it. first though you might ask whats the matter with you, what made you this way? ask yourself really hard questions to get to the route and no need to save face with urself or try blame it on him.

what was your upbringing like...ur programming?

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gentlebull
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From: wilmington, nc, usa
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posted March 28, 2009 06:39 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for gentlebull     Edit/Delete Message
hi kiara
i only have a quick moment to write but your story is impt to me because i happen to have been in a similar situation for 10 yrs and now wonder if it's how i interact in all relationships
of course i'd like to say things like leave he wont change or try one more time but i think the issue is more like "why do some people refuse to settle and others not" sounds like you are very understanding and willing to tolerate your feelings being hurt because you think this will lead him to do the same meaning if you are super loving to him and understanding then he will do the same one thing i have done is to make a list of all the - and + and then read the book "too good to leave too bad to stay" it will make you so aware of the fact that you aren't being loved the way you want it will be hard to go back more later
but be gentle with youself and know you aren't alone with this type of issue it hurts very badly and can make you feel shamed for not being different hang in there you are doing the right thing by reaching out

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kaira
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posted March 28, 2009 01:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message
i'm the blue, so i'm in the inside.

i wouldn't like to see a therapist, i have a hard time expressing how i feel vocally. and it's hard for me to let in a stranger listen to my grief, i just can't do it.

i have a late degree Leo moon (28 degrees).

i can't think what made me this way, just that i was able to truly be myself with him, and i loved (still do) and idolised him a lot. we talked about anything and everything, and then there was this intense passion between us that i couldn't resist. my upbringing? well my father pased away when i was 4, and i've been brought up by my mother. she is very overbearing but protective, and since she's been abused in the past, before i was born, i think some of her traits of being paranoid and possesive have been passed on to me.

gentlebull, i think i'm very tolerant too, in love. i'm very forgiving, even if it hurts me alot. i kinda take the "forgive, but never forget" thing too far, since i forgive him for even the things that cause me so much pain. forgiveness is usually there for him the next day, and i hate it.

thank you for the advice, i'll try to look for that book. and i do feel ashamed for being the way i am, i want to be stronger. there are moments when i feel like i am, but i slowly go back to him, and i can't amymore. i just can't.

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*lovely*
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posted March 28, 2009 05:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for *lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
ok thanks for sharing
you have mars on the sun opposed to his sun, right?

mars sun can make one very explosive especially with hte
mercury near by. your mom, is she a leo type, it would make sense if she were given your moon is there in leo.

since your dad died, do you ever talk to your mom about him, and what is said on it? or does she try to ignore that pain... ?

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kaira
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posted March 28, 2009 06:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message
my mom is a Gemini, Cancer moon, Taurus venus, Aries mars. she does have Leo Ascendant.

i have talked about my dad once with my mom, she said he'd scare her and my older brother and sisters, who were young at the time, with threats, and that he'd drink a lot and gamble, and he would hit my mother. a year after she had me, she ran away from him, got a job and started a life alone with her children.

she's very tough, and she's very suspicious of things, and needs to be in control. i think this has surely been passed onto me, and it makes me quite clingy and overbearing.

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emma_duncan
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posted March 28, 2009 06:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
its your moon in leo and sun in libra combination....(i have sun in leo and moon in libra, maybe therefore, i felt that i understand what is going on with you)

you are exteremly loyal and relationship oriented. you love with mind and soul meaning loving comes naturally to you but you also make conscious choices based on your principles to love. leo-libra combination is very giving but very demanding....it simmers like a little child when world in not fair....that anger is even more if the unfairness is from a person who is hard not to be loved....they constantly think "does this person is even capable of realizing what i have done...(cause they really have done so much)..is this person aware that if i am not in his life anymore how much this moron will miss me?" also libra on DC inensifies this total devoation paradigm...give give give until u can give no more...

another problem is hemisphere imbalance...note sun signs and chart location wise you are almost 100% western hemisphare person....you will always put your partner in front of you...if he is there there is color in flowers ifhe is not there...there are no flowers...but he is totally eastern hemishere sun sign and location wise,,,,,only hope is his moon in libra.....in his 9th house and his DC in cancer......he is very self absorbed...he is not emotionally that dependent on other people.. read amy keehns book on these issue...


he on the other hand is a person who is probably confused about who he is and what he wants....capricon asc, with neptune, saturn and uranus so close to it....his vision is very clouded i guess....and u load your same planets at this trouble spot.....which does not make things easy

also your sun, mars oppose this sore spot

the things become further sticky by your chart ruler (mars) conjucting his DC ruler moon.....conjucting your sun.....cant live with cant live without situation

he being pisces sun does not help either....most elusive and eastern (non-relationship oriented) water sign...ELUSIVE

lot of 9th house loading...is one of you from a differnt culture, religion? that might add problems too....

if i understand...the main issue seems to be that you dont feel appreciated enough....you crave inside for a tight hug, a warm smile from him...look deeply inside his eyes and feel his presnece...proabbly without this your whole mind body and soul aches....we all need to be loved like the way we think we shld be...otherwise we feel unfullfilled

i cant see the exact aspects....

but by you having scarificed so much in your opinion....there is lot of resentment building up....now you feel tired and want him to do his part.....i would suggest communication with him...and telling him what you need...obviously there is history, disappointment, and bad patterns setting in....but the solution is he doing his part to clear the air....if he is not willing to pull up his socks...then love aint enough it will keep hurting you....

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emma_duncan
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posted March 28, 2009 07:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
one more thing.....yu have three major personal planets...sun mars and mercury in your 6th house....house of daily chores, work, service, health....this adds to your giving personality
understand these forces in you...you are probably v young...(your neptune and uranus placements shows that)....take a time for yourslef....lot of time with western nemisphere people...problems are magnified cause they dont learn to enjoy on their own. do you think this is the issue.....if yes....then do somethings at least once in a week that are just for you....what are few things that you want to do before you turn 30? find a very good hobby, learn something new? intersting? go for shopping alone....go for a movie alone....experience your slef alone on your own....you would enjoy this differemnt experience....

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kaira
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posted March 30, 2009 12:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message
thanks so much, emma. you really helped me alot through this, i've been reading what you said, and it's made me much more stronger to just get away from him.

you were right about us giving, giving, giving, and them not really understanding how much we gave, until we leave them. i'm never giving him anything again, not even a "hi". we could never be friends like he suggested, i just don't want him in my life anymore.

and you're right we're different ethnicity, i'm Spanish and he's Indian/Arab. he's Muslim, i'm Christian. but regardless of that, him as a person i can't bare. he has been the best friend i've ever had, but the way he treats me sometimes just overrules that and our love and everything.

i do feel resentment, and i've given him chances to do his part. he hasn't. so now i'm gone.

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emma_duncan
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posted March 30, 2009 04:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
i hope you feel better....
and you are strong...just learn to invest time in your happiness...like find out things u enjoy for your sake....like i figured out i like swimming...or going shopping alone....

find such things...and let things take their natural course...if he is for you things will work out...

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kaira
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posted March 31, 2009 05:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message
i'd just like to know if he feels any attraction towards me, and will miss me?

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emma_duncan
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posted March 31, 2009 05:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
i will give you a detailed answer to this later...( i mean give you my opinion of your situ)...i am in a hurry right now...

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kaira
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posted April 01, 2009 04:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message
thank you, emma.

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emma_duncan
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posted April 02, 2009 01:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
the thing is you two have very powerful connections but their are real challenges as well....as u said culture and religious differences (by the way if he is arab, he cant be indian or pakistani and vice versa...arabs cant be indian).... as well as differences in psychological makeup

when i read yr post too things stuck me....
a) your experience sounds v similar to someone i know
b) you probably are too young

so as i said i have started a new post on astrology 2 forum...on western and eastern hemisphere, you may like to read it...to me it seems...u have have typical western and eastern (natal chart wise...) clash going on...he is independent and self absorbed...you are giving and relationship oriented....so many difficluties may just be due to the two of you having a v different love/relating style....you may think loving is calling someone if u r getting late....he may think...loving means you dont have to worry abt calling the loved one when one is getting late cause they will trust and understand

if u two need this relationship to work,these differences need to be understood and some care on both parties part need to be shown in mending behaviors..


you said if i leave him will he miss me....so u dont want to leave...u just want to punish him.....this kind of leaving wont work...cause this is not leaving....

loving someone is also a process of understanding other person...i feel v edgy when ppl talk abt love at 1st sight,,,,,probably cause i never experienced it....so....in my opinion all relationships need work....if we r willing to give it what it takes....all relations (minus abusive ones) are worth saving.....

so i dont know what are the deeper level issues between the two of you...are the two of you together, is he not returning your feelings and it is a case of unrequitted love...? i dont know the real issues...but its you who should decide whether you want him to remain in yr life or not.....but do it for right reasons and with understanding and without anger...cause if u leave him with anger...then actually u r punishing yrself....

also....i am sorry but he might not see you as a long term partner because of religious differeces...south east asian men are very traditional..their marriage decisons are made by keeping parents opinion and other family members consent in view (ironically they dont need this consent when they make gfs)

anyway...you are young...life has much to offer....i wont say leave him or try harder....i will just say take one bite at a time....relax and give more time to your own self...

lemme know of you want to ask something else

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kaira
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posted April 02, 2009 11:33 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for kaira     Edit/Delete Message
thank you so much, emma. you've been such a great help through all of this. i really appreciate it.

and you were spot on about how our love styles are different. i'm very much like how you mentioned, that if he is running late, i expect him to text or call. wheras he just figures i should trust him. as hard as i try, ever since he's had that fling with another girl at the start of our relationship, even though we weren't as close or in love with each other as we were now, i still could never forget it. it really crushed my trust in him.

i really do miss him, and yes i am young, i'm 19, he just turned 22. he's the first person i've loved, and the same for him, and being together for four years really has taken an impact on me. i just can't figure out why he would act so cold, after all the time we've spent.

i did say some bad things to him, as i was really mad of the way he was treating me, but i guess, as you've said, he just has a different way of loving, and if he isn't always there for me at every given moment, i shouldn't really freak out...
i did say i was sorry for what i said to him, but he seems adamant on not talking to me, and i don't think he ever will. it just sucks, because if he had said something to me, i would've forgiven him by now, but it seems like this way his way of just not being with me anymore.

and i guess i do want him to feel how i feel, all those times i've missed him and wondered where he was. but it's like he doesn't even care, and that makes me really mad. is it really too much to ask to just be wanted and missed by someone you loved so much, for so many years?

i'm just trying to avoid contact with him, and let him come to me to talk if he wants to. but he's so stubborn, and self-absorbed as you said, that i don't even know if he's even thinking of me, whereas i'm just losing it.

i'm just confused as to what i want at the moment. part of me just wants to move on, and if he misses me and wants me back, then tough. i'm already gone.

then part of me just wants hi to miss me so we can talk things over and give it another shot. but i don't know if i could take any more heartache.

i love him alot, and it really seemed like we had such a soul mate connection, even if it was our first relationship and we haven't really gone out and been with other people. we both knew how we worked so well, but instead of learning to accept it, we kind of did the opposite, and let it annoy us.

sorry i'm kinda ranting, but thanks again, emma. you've really eased this up for me.

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emma_duncan
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posted April 02, 2009 03:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
take a deep breath, you are a strong girl, let things take their natural course....pray whatever is best for you works out....get your mind clear take some time off....and then do whatver u think is right...

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emma_duncan
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posted April 02, 2009 04:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emma_duncan     Edit/Delete Message
another thing i was noting id, his venus is in acquarius...most detached venus sign..tough placement....these people crave for freedom...and your venus is scorpio....all consuming, want to possess and get under the skin of the other one....vvv classic clash again....which is conjuct yr pluto...wo hooooooooooooo...add fuel to fire...and wo hooo again...his pluto is close by too....

and note yr north node is sitting on his venus....v signifcant connection....find in couples chart who feel too close...( i dont wnat to use the term soul mate...cz i dont beleive in soul mate)...in my opinion this means...he has a major lesson to teach u in becoming independent


what you need to think is that can you - if this works out in future - be ever satisfied at deep level with his love style...or will he always leave something deep inside unfullfilled and untouched...or do u think the two of you have generosity towards each other that he will see what u need at psychological level...and will be able to be sympathetic towards it and appreciate it as part of u...
cause i dont believ that chart shows the two work well or not well tigether...it just shows deeper needs and where work needs to be done...thus the q is are both of u willingto do this work (in addition to cultural and religious differences) or do both of u think...ahhh we r young, we can look for someone else with less challenges....

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