posted June 12, 2021 07:05 AM
Excerpt borrowed from “Narcissists Among Us” by Retired FBI Special Agent Joe Navarro
This list will go a long way to help you spot or identify a Narcissist. It has been prepared to expedite and refine the process because most of us don’t have a qualified professional we can access 24/7 to help us. The list is simple to use and is based on my experiences profiling these individuals in the FBI. Read each entry carefully and ask yourself, whether the person you are assessing has any of these features, traits, or behaviors. Be honest, think about what you have heard them say or do, or what others have expressed to you (from the past or present) about them. Obviously the best evidence is that which you yourself have observed.
Tally up how many features match this person’s known personality and behavior − the list has one hundred thirty-one items. If you find that this individual has at least 35 of these features, this is an individual who will occasionally take an emotional toll on others and may be difficult to live with. If the score is 35 - 60 this indicates the individual has all the features of and behaves as a Narcissist and will cause turmoil in the lives of anyone close to him or her. If the score is above 60, this person has a preponderance of the major features of a Narcissist and is very likely to be obnoxious, overbearing, and so toxic that they will hurt you emotionally, psychologically, physically, or financially.
Read these carefully checking only the ones that apply. I use the pronoun “he” for the sake of brevity, but you can also use “she” instead. Remember, each statement doesn’t have to apply, so don’t guess or include more than meet the criteria exactly:
1. Projects self-importance beyond position, experience, or what he has duly earned or deserves.
2. Has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.
3. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Often talks about these things.
4. Believes he should only associate with other “special,” “successful,” or “high status” people.
5. Requires excessive admiration from those with whom he associates.
6. Has a sense of entitlement - expecting to be treated special or given priority at all times.
7. Is interpersonally exploitative of others and takes advantage of others for personal gain.
8. Lacks empathy and is unable to recognize the needs or suffering of others.
9. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him.
10. Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude.
11. Has a tendency to see his problems as unique or more acute than anyone else’s problems.
12. Has an exaggerated sense of privilege that allows him to bend rules and break laws.
13. Is excessively self-centered to the point he will alienate others because he is so “I” oriented.
14. Is hypersensitive to how he is seen or perceived by others.
15. You find yourself regularly irritated or upset by this person and others complain of the same
16. Looking good, being pampered, and spending an inordinate amount of time grooming himself is part of his routine.
17. He tends to over-value himself and his capabilities in almost all things.
18. He has devalued others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.
19. He has demonstrated little sympathy or empathy for others; nevertheless, he expects others to show him empathy.
20. Has ignored the needs of others, including: biological, physical, emotional, and financial needs.
21. Envies the success of others. Not happy for them when they succeed.
22. He is considered to be or acts like a bully.
23. He talks at you rather than to you or with you.
24. Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to insure that he is noticed (e.g., arriving late wearing eye-catching clothing, using dramatic language, or making theatrical entrances).
25. When he communicates with you, it feels as if he is sending messages but is not receiving messages. Communication is only one-way.
26. Assumes others value him as much as he does himself and is shocked to learn that they don’t.
27. Has insisted in always having the best of anything (house, car, electronics, jewelry, clothes) even when he can’t afford it.
28. Deep emotions appear to be difficult for him to comprehend. Seems emotionally detached when deep felt emotions are most needed.
29. Has a need to control others and demands total loyalty at all times.
30. Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated, or exploited for personal gain.
31. Violates boundaries of rules, privacy, secrecy, or social decorum.
32. Is only aware of his problems and repeatedly ignores the problems or struggles others may have.
33. Seems to lack altruistic qualities - everything is done for a selfish purpose and rarely does anything for the good of others.
34. Even without any kind of demonstrated achievement he acts self-important or accomplished.
35. He has a need to habitually inflate his accomplishments, deeds, or quests.
36. When others speak of accomplishments he must boast of his own accomplishments or orients the conversation so that his accomplishments are also recognized.
37. He feels entitled to unlimited success, fame, fortune, and sex with no legal, moral, or ethical inhibitions.
38. At work he habitually competes with peers for attention or praise and devalues them to garner favor.
39. When criticized he seems insecure and tends to lash out.
40. Has acted imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think, have planned, or fear.
41. Has acted or believes himself to be omnipotent - unwilling to realize his own frailties.
42. Is superficially charming.
43. Has presented himself as something he is not (impostor) such as a doctor, astronaut, or Navy SEAL
44. Is very interesting to be around at first, but after a while he saps you of energy.
45. He has made you feel that his cup must always be filled as yours runs empty.
46. Has devalued you or your work and made you feel worthless without any consideration for your feelings.
47. He has shown interest and curiosity in how others achieved success but is unwilling to dedicate or sacrifice himself to that effort.
48. Grandiose fantasies of achievement (high political office), are rarely fulfilled legitimately or at all.
49. Is persistently preoccupied with achieving success or social acclaim.
50. Has repeatedly bought expensive or more valuable things for himself but refuses to do the same for members of his family.
51. Constantly underestimates the ability and capacity of others to perform.
52. Sees self as superior in intellect, capacity, or looks compared to others.
53. Enjoys putting others down so that he feels better about himself.
54. He has publicly belittled those that don’t measure up to expectations including his own children.
55. Is disinterested in knowing more about you and lacks normal curiosity in others.
56. At times he displays a certain coldness or aloofness that makes you worry about who he really is and or whether or not you really know him.
57. He perceives benign actions such as seat adjusting, turning, checking of phone, or looking at watch as disinterest and becomes unnecessarily offended or irritated.
58. Treats those who are deemed to be below him with contempt and arrogance.
59. He only appreciates those that can do something for him.
60. His interpersonal relationships seem always impaired or in difficulty due to his ego and grandiosity.
61. He sees himself as special or unique and talks about himself that way.
62. His personality wears on you, or you find annoying.
63. Is boastful of accomplishments when not appropriate.
64. The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.
65. He comes across as self-righteous and above scrutiny.
66. Has achieved much success but at the price of others which he rarely if ever properly credits.
67. Has commented that this person or that group is “inferior” or is “worthless.”
68. Favors the use of cocaine (specifically) to potentiate his grandiosity, ability, or self worth.
69. Claims to be an exceptional lover or seducer of women.
70. Hates to be embarrassed or to fail publicly.
71. Doesn’t ever seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong and you never hear an apology from him.
72. Believes he has the answer and solution to most problems no matter how complex.
73. Believes himself to always be right and everyone else is wrong.
74. Sees those that disagree with him as “enemies.”
75. Has resorted to cheating, conning, scheming, embezzling, or “white collar crimes” to achieve success.
76. He is often rigid, unbending, and insensitive.
77. He tries to control others in what they do or think.
78. Tends to be possessive of loved ones or family members and interferes with their freedom or the ability of others to visit with them.
79. Demonstrations of empathy are short-term, superficial, and or self-serving.
80. One senses he wants to destroy or spoil those he envies or are in competition with him.
81. Has intentionally refused to look at something important to you or someone else or has failed to acknowledge the pain or suffering of you or others.
82. Retaliation, vilification, counter-attack, rage, or callousness is often his reaction to criticism.
83. Can’t be bothered to work because he claims this would interfere with his “thinking,” “planning,” “networking,” “studying,” or “preparing.”
84. Joined a club, golf membership, or organization just to be seen in the right places with the “right kind of people,” but can ill afford to do so.
85. Hates to have flaws or imperfections revealed privately or in public.
86. Does not like to be questioned or contradicted especially in public.
87. Sees personal problems in others as sign of inferiority, weakness, or poor impulse control.
88. Consistently brags or boasts about expensive purchases (jewelry, toys, properties, cars, etc).
89. At work he repeatedly overstates his value and contributions to management.
90. Very easily sees weaknesses in others and is quick to exploit those weaknesses.
91. Is in a parasitic or exploitive relationship taking advantage of someone (refuses to work while spouse works).
92. Has at least once said that from an early age he felt “destined for greatness.”
93. Seems to be highly dependent of tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments to be had.
94. Not a very good listener or only listens when there is a compliment.
95. Makes demands of others to change a room or a location to suit his needs at the expense or inconvenience of others.
96. Is cunning and manipulative, seeking to have the greatest advantage at all times.
97. Doesn’t seem to reciprocate in kind with attention, gratitude, or kindness to others.
98. Uses insults to establish dominance or control.
99. Has made bogus claims about his education (claimed to be a Ph.D.) or military service, or military awards (medal winner).
100. Maintains appearance of extravagant lifestyle even though is financially frail or has filed for bankruptcy.
101. Repeatedly fails to see view from the perspective of others – lacks empathetic understanding of others and their needs or desires.
102. Likes to be around notable people to bask in their glory and enjoys dropping their names.
103. Thinks that not everyone is worthy to be around him.
104. His emotional life is shallow and detests when others come to him with their trivial emotional problems.
105. Even though he can be shy and solitary, nevertheless, he is arrogant toward others and believes in his own superiority or his unique interpretation of the world.
106. He has lied about his past, about accomplishments, or to conceal legal or ethical transgressions including failure to act or notify.
107. Becomes indignant when others fail to show absolute loyalty.
108. Has intentionally kept you or others waiting or stretched meetings or conversations out causing others to be inconvenienced.
109. He is never appreciative or satisfied with his compensation or perks at work even though they are generous.
110. Doesn’t hesitate to burden others with the trivial even when others are occupied or attending to more important things.
111. Frantically tries to maintain shape or youthful appearance by overdoing workout, physical exploits, cosmetics, or surgery.
112. Seems to be proving himself and his virility by having repeated extramarital affairs.
113. Most of his enjoyment seems to be from the tributes he receives from others.
114. Has taken pleasure in duping others, including parents, friends, and associates.
115. Rather than feel happy for the success of others he is jealous or petty, and begrudges their success.
116. Has quit a relationship or a friendship once it did not benefit him socially.
117. Has actively looked for a trophy wife or partner to help with his career or political yearnings.
118. Tactically plans day or events so as to garner attention and praise.
119. He is unable to identify the needs, wants, desires, and feelings of those closest to him.
120. Is impatient with others.
121. Incessantly talks about himself or his aspirations.
122. He tends to discuss personal issues or concerns in inappropriate or expansive detail oblivious to time restraints or sensitivities of others.
123. Often says things that are hurtful to others and yet shows no remorse.
124. One of these words usually applies to him: snobbish, disdainful, arrogant, or patronizing.
125. Has criticized those who follow rules or who patiently wait in line.
126. Appears to be especially lacking in sadness and mournful longing.
127. Has stated that he is “unstoppable.”
128. He is only concerned with getting caught or being shamed in public, not in being ethical.
129. Even after many years you feel like you really don’t know this person.
130. Has lied to family and close friends to get them to lie on his behalf.
131. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him.
Now that you have looked at all the characteristics of a Narcissist and you have checked off the ones that apply, add them up and score them as indicated previously. If in doubt, go through and check again.
If you work for, live with, or associate with a Narcissist, here is what you can expect:
1. Their behavior will not improve over time. Narcissism is quite rigid to change.
2. They will reject your efforts to get them any psychological counseling although you can try to suggest it to them.
3. That taking a vacation, having a child, constantly attending to him, or being subservient will not make things better.
4. To have a life that is unfulfilled where you will be repeatedly devalued.
5. To always be on guard, feel tired, not appreciated, or vulnerable.
6. To have your psychological, as well as emotional well-being placed in jeopardy.
7. To feel as though you have a stifling yoke around your neck.
8. To never feel completely happy or safe.
So, if you recognize someone with the features described above and you suspect that he or she is a Narcissist, be aware that they will resist counseling because as they see it there is nothing wrong with them. The best thing you can do, where practical, is to distance yourself from that individual and not associate with them. Set boundaries and hope they will be respected but don’t be surprised if they are not. These are harmful individuals who will grind you down and in the end you will suffer emotionally, physically, psychologically, or financially.
Always remember, there is no rule that says you must agree to be a victim so as to not offend others. Be safe.