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Author Topic:   Do We Marry Our Parents?
PlayfulPonderingFishMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 267
From:
Registered: Sep 2003

posted March 25, 2004 10:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlayfulPonderingFishMoon     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Knowflakes,


I'm just wondering if anybody wants to please post in on this question with me.


Does anyone out there think that we are usually drawn to companions/mates, whether we marry them or not, who will help us to 'finish the unresolved business' which we have with the parent of that same sex?


For instance, I think that I have a 'Daddy complex' in the sense that I definitely tend to be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, or challenging to gain attention and priority from in some way.


Like, I came second with my Dad, so now I choose a man whom I will also place second with too...

and by somehow finally 'winning' that attention and approval from this new man in my life now, I will in some way be able to resolve the fact that I never got it from that first man in my life, my Dad.


I think that men do this a lot too, where they choose a woman whom they will have power struggles and approval issues with because they had power and approval 'stuff' with their own Mom's as a child.


I think this is a popular concept in pop psychology, where they try and trace the dysfunctions we have in our romantic relationships to that first 'love' relationship we ever had with the opposite sex in our lives, that being the relationship of the father/daughter and the mother/son.


Is that all just a 'bunch of hooey,' lol, or do you think that there might be more to all of that than what some people give it credit for?


I'd really, really love to hear any and all replies to this question if you have the time to answer it with me.


Thank you so very much!



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NikiSpeedy
Knowflake

Posts: 345
From: NC
Registered: Jul 2003

posted March 26, 2004 01:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for NikiSpeedy     Edit/Delete Message
Gosh -- this just opened up a BIG can o worms for me - lol.

I spent years trying to avoid JUST that! Then i finally married a man who was spineless, yet domineering underneath the placid exterior -- I can just say that this relationship didn't work out either.

I guess i still got a few years left to find out if it will EVER work out in that area for me, but the good thing now tho, is that i don't much care about it, so it's on the back burner, heat off -- lol. I actually feel relieved from not having the self imposed pressure of having a "mate." Tho, "they" do say, when u not looking, then it will come.

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CancerianMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 1082
From: Sydney, Australia. Cancer Sun.....Gemini Moon.....Aqua Rising
Registered: Aug 2003

posted March 26, 2004 05:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CancerianMoon     Edit/Delete Message
hmmm...good questions..i have two dads..one who made me and cared for me for 5 years...(and met again at age 23)..and a step dad..who always wished i was like my two younger sisters of whom he treats as his own..what a disappointment i am for him..
as for relationships..sheesh..i have..sorry had.. a loser radar..lol..however..i feel things are all meant to happen...and i have been blessed with many things..including 6 beautiful children...ok...im rambling off subject..i guess in some sense it can be true when u miss something in childhood..u looking to resolve it...but the wonderful thing about knowing this is (which i do now)as an adult and now parent...along with some soul searching..ive realized..that parents are human as we are..and make mistakes..we chose them for a purpose...if we look and say thanks for the lesson(whatever it is)...we can then move on...

------------------

"Man struggles to find life outside himself, unaware that the life he is seeking is within him." - Kahlil Gibran

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TINK
Knowflake

Posts: 3831
From: New England
Registered: Mar 2003

posted March 26, 2004 09:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TINK     Edit/Delete Message
Big can o worms for me too. I made it a point to marry the polar opposite of my father. I did and I am very happy.

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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted March 26, 2004 11:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
Freud called these sorts of things the Oedipus complex in men, Elektra in women.

For me, my dad died when I was pretty young, 6, so my memories of him are slim. I recall him as generally happy and loving, and adoring me.

Now, I have a birth-dad (adopted child), whom I met, along with my birth-mom, about ten years ago or so. I have issues with that man, I suppose. But I don't think I'm attracted to men like him.

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lioneye68
Knowflake

Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003

posted March 26, 2004 11:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lioneye68     Edit/Delete Message
I think there is definately a tendancy to look for qualities that remind us of our opposite sex parent, and I believe we do this even if the relationship with that parent wasn't very good. It's just that they are our main frame of referrence in terms of what it means to be a man, or a woman, and when we see qualities that remind us of them, it feels like home. Whethor home was a good place or not is irrelevant. Home is home. That's why women who saw their moms being beat by their dads almost always marry abusive men. That's why men who's mother's waited on them hand and foot will marry a woman who caters to them in that same way (then procedes to referee the relationship between his wife and his mom as they compete for his approval...*gag*...)

My current beau, and quite possibly the man who will become my husband DOES remind me of my dad in several ways. He even has some of the same idiosynchrities as my dad, like saying "ooOOH?" when I tell them something, really emphasising the 'oo' sound with tight round lips...they sound so simular it's spooky! Both have gargantuous appetites, both watch the news religiously, both are tight with money all year but buy expensive gifts at Christmas, both sneeze extremely loud and give you a heart attack, both have prominant chins...HECK, they even smell the same! I could go on, but I'm starting to weird myself out

oh yeah...both are earth signs, with heavy Mercury/3rd house energy.

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PlayfulPonderingFishMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 267
From:
Registered: Sep 2003

posted March 26, 2004 12:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlayfulPonderingFishMoon     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks so much for all these responses!


I know just what some of you mean about seeing this pattern and sometimes not having success in avoiding it, but still making a serious attempt to reverse it's entrance into your life anyway though.


I notice that the people I am interested in, even if only on a male friendship level, just have a 'wild, unattainable, not homebound streak' in them a lot, and that is just so much like my father in a way, who was a philanderer all throughout his marriage to my mother.


I like wild, adventurous qualities in a friend or a mate, but in terms of a mate at least, I do also want them to make loyalty and emotional availability to me and our future family the top priority for them in their lives too though.


trillian,

Thanks for those specific terms for these circumstances as well.

I had heard one of those terms before, but now I will make it a point to read further up on both of them though.


And finally lioneye...

WOW!

You took the very words right out of my own mouth where this is concerned.

I really couldn't agree with you more!

I was just thinking about it earlier too, and the analogy I used for it is like that of an older child who always reaches for that same 'baby blanket' all the time even though it may not feel that good on their skin anymore, because that's THEIR blanket and it's the only one they've always reached for out of their ingrained habits for as long as they can remember.


I was thinking about how the dynamic you have with your parent of the opposite sex might possibly just get so stuck in your system that it IS hard to get past it sometimes and reach out for a new dynamic with a spouse etc... later on, even if that dynamic with your parent was / is unhealthy for you.


I am just going to keep trying to get myself more and more healthy so that I can definitely attract a really compatible man for me when the time comes and I really want a serious relationship in my life.


Thanks again for all these responses!


If anybody else here has anything to add, please feel free to do so, lol!




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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted March 26, 2004 01:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
Well, Freud's examples were extreme.

Oedipus killed his father, and married his mother.

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lioneye68
Knowflake

Posts: 6062
From: Canada
Registered: Apr 2003

posted March 26, 2004 01:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lioneye68     Edit/Delete Message
Gross. Talk about disfunctional!

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trillian
Knowflake

Posts: 4050
From: The Boundless
Registered: Mar 2003

posted March 26, 2004 01:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trillian     Edit/Delete Message
lioneye

Yeah.
'
Freud didn't invent Oediups, the story comes from Sophocles.
http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~loxias/myth.htm

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proxieme
unregistered
posted March 26, 2004 01:44 PM           Edit/Delete Message
Well, he didn't *know* that.
They sent him away as a child b/c of a prophesy that he'd do just that.
Then when he got older and was on his travels, he quarrelled with a man on the road, killing him (his Dad).
He then got to a nation w/o a king and married the widowed Queen (his Mom).
When he found out, he cut out his own eyes.

Fun stuff, huh?

*edit* Aw, trillian beat me to it.

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