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Author Topic:   New Career
proxieme
unregistered
posted April 02, 2004 04:37 PM           Edit/Delete Message
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma, Father, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Da
(Variable, depending on gender of applicant)

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends with frequent 24 hour shifts on call with frequent sleepless nights. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments and/or recitals and/or shows in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. Willingness to use spit as a cleaning solvent a plus.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility, as well as willingness to deal extensively with human waste (volume decreasing after the first few years).

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. Long-term, may include eventual promotion to title "Grandparent", duties revolving primarily around worrying and spoiling young children.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

BENEFITS:
No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered. This job does, however, supply limitless opportunities for personal growth as well as free hugs for life if you play your cards right (although not in public when offspring are between the ages of 10 and 18).

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lalalinda
Moderator

Posts: 3291
From: nevada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted April 02, 2004 10:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lalalinda     Edit/Delete Message
Don't forget your heart bursting with
love, pride and joy.

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Rainbow~
Knowflake

Posts: 5927
From: The Little River Indian Reservation
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 04, 2004 04:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Rainbow~     Edit/Delete Message

................ .............



Mother of three
Grandmother of two

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Rainbow~
Knowflake

Posts: 5927
From: The Little River Indian Reservation
Registered: Jan 2002

posted April 04, 2004 04:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Rainbow~     Edit/Delete Message
Proxieme.....

It is truly a lifetime job....

.......so enjoy....

Love,
Rainbow

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CancerianMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 1082
From: Sydney, Australia. Cancer Sun.....Gemini Moon.....Aqua Rising
Registered: Aug 2003

posted April 04, 2004 06:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CancerianMoon     Edit/Delete Message
the hardest job also has the biggest rewards...

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Harpyr
Knowflake

Posts: 2255
From: land of the midnight sun
Registered: Dec 2002

posted April 04, 2004 06:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Harpyr     Edit/Delete Message
dang.. after reading that description I feel a mixture of being a superwoman or being in deep over my head.

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CancerianMoon
Knowflake

Posts: 1082
From: Sydney, Australia. Cancer Sun.....Gemini Moon.....Aqua Rising
Registered: Aug 2003

posted April 04, 2004 07:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CancerianMoon     Edit/Delete Message
hahaha harpyr...i felt both too...lol

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